Thursday, January 9, 2014

In My Weakness.

"If I must boast, I must boast of the things that SHOW MY WEAKNESS." 2 Corinthians 11:30 

The last couple weeks have undoubtedly been extremely difficult for Austin and I. As we have been looking for a glimpse of hope, we have found ourselves at the bottom of the financial valley. 

God has continually held my hand through this as I am a FIX IT type of woman. I want to have a job so bad, so I have busied myself with painting and started the Ante Meridiem Boutique. The more I have prayed for God to allow me to work in this season as we wait for my sweet husband to begin the post office, the more he has said "wait. Be patient. Be submissive. Allow your husband to lead you." 

Argh! What?! God and I have had some trying weeks as I have wrestled with Him to give me a part time job... But with a gentle hand he has guided me to the realization that I was missing the point. 

The point wasn't for me to focus on the fact that For the past week, bill collectors have been blowing up my phone, and I have continually avoided them. Ashamed to answer after putting the last six dollars in my gas tank. Continually I have told myself "God will provide." (And he continually does through various places to help us scrape by) 

The point hasn't been to focus on my external problems... As a matter of fact, it took the financial burden to look at my heart and see the defects that I still cling to. Pride. Anger. Stress. Depression. 

Where is all this coming from? Money can't truly be what's causing my emotions to be this way! 

But the truth... The truth is that it's hard to wake up each day and feel like I've had a purpose. It's not like I have a job I work at and provide with. The truth is that it's hard to love my husband the way he deserves to be loved when he isn't providing. It's not like it's his fault I am bitter. The truth is it's hard to see God through the mess when bill collectors are blowing up your phone and your barely making it already. The truth is... I can have all the head knowledge in the world about what it is to follow Christ without truly knowing what it is to cherish Him in my heart and be obedient to HIS CALL. 

So, yes, GOD SAYS I HAVE MISSED THE POINT IN ALL THIS. If He had wanted Austin to have a job right away, then He would have made the post office speed up. He has that power. He can do all things. So why didn't HE? Because the point of this, was to learn true submission and what my true treasure is. The point was to show that There is value in following God and SELLING OUT to have that treasure. 

"The kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and SELLS ALL THAT HE HAS and buys that field." Matthew 13:44

Honestly, I have to boast in this weakness. Although I have found myself crying more days than not, I wouldn't change it for the world. God will use this mess and turn it into a miracle. God will use this financial burden to strengthen my marriage and not look at my husband like He's somehow failing at providing, but rather that He's trying his best to lead me even in the hard times. God will use this financial downfall as a way to show that money DOES have a chain on me... That my heart turns nasty when I feel insecure... Because my security has come from what I can do... Not what He can do. 

I just pray that you too, if finding yourself in a financial crisis, can learn to see the internal transformation even when everything around you stays the same, or gets worse. 

Look at what IS to be cherished.. And delighted in...  Because until ALL IS STRIPPED AWAY, we won't know the true value of Christ. 

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you." Psalm 73:25

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