Wednesday, February 13, 2013

What is Love?!

On the 12th of February, Little Paxton Turned 2.

His birthday party was a few days earlier on a Sunday. It was truly spectacular... So many friends and family surrounded him and just showed so much love to him. It made my heart melt to see the Love of God filling the room of a little boy that I was blessed and honored to carry for 9 months. It was truly an honor to be a part of his birthday...but before I got there... I have got to be honest. I was struggling.

I wasn't struggling because of anything that anyone did... it was just me throwing a pity party... but it was a great learning experience...because even though I was having a hard time... God was continuing to use the hard lessons to change my identity, so I could change my behavior..  to seek him more than anything.

Here's what happened: Austin and I went to church. Great Lesson about PRIDE.. Absolutely something I needed to hear... I was convicted in the fact that I can't do everything...or anything on my own. I NEED GOD. && this became more and more apparent through out the day.

Austin and I then met my mom for lunch and we had a great time gathering and talking and hanging out and I was feeling really good. It was a much needed time of laughter spent with my family....

After we left lunch, our mission was to find PAX a gift.. So we headed on our way to Toys R US with more than enough time to get PAX a couple toys and then to get to his Birthday Party ON TIME--YES ON TIME!!!  (I am always late, something I have been working on...anyway)

We walked through a couple of aisles and I was beginning to get discouraged. I had no idea where to start. I walked to the girl toys and was like HECK NO, so I turned around and found the boy toys...except they were all like action figures for boys that were around 8 years old. I felt lost. No idea where to even begin.

We continued walking for a while and then finally stumbled upon where the 2 year old toys were. Which all of them looked soooooooo lame! I mean common...ELMO (no offense) is ANNOYING! AHH. && Maybe this is where my Pride kicked in, but PAXTON Is way to smart for half the 2 year old stuff that was in there.....


So after about  an hour of being in Toys R Us.... which is way longer than I expected to be in there. I picked up some fuzzy little animal and looked at it and then turned to Austin with an "I GIVE UP" kind of look on my face and tears in my eyes and I feel heartbroken. I explain to Austin that... Paxton came from me...and I LOVE HIM more than any person on this earth....and I don't KNOW him. I don't KNOW what he wants for his birthday. I should KNOW this. HE's a part of me... and I am confused and lost!

Feeling really dumb and Austin telling me it's alright, I started to walk toward the front of the store and was thinking about just texting Jamie and telling her I couldn't make it because I was totally ashamed of not being able to find the "Perfect" Gift... (Yes, pity party=me) I realize I was being way to hard on myself and Austin was extremely patient and Gentle with me and he ended up steering me toward a section that had a few little sports things and some Africa things.. I was trying to find something appropriate that Ben and Jamie were trying to instill in little PAxton, So I wanted my gifts to go along with their teachings.

With all that being said and the bowling ball and pins, and an african safari tent in our hands, and after an hour and a half...we left the store.

AFter getting in the car and feeling ridiculous for how long that took....God spoke to me...a great lesson... He said "You can LOVE ME with ALL YOUR HEART, But if you don't KNOW ME, than you won't know WHAT I WANT for you."

"He revealed his CHARACTER to MOSES and his DEEDS to the people of ISRAEL." Psalm 103:7

Hit Hard. If I hadn't have been sitting, I would have been knocked off my feet. What a true and valuable lesson to learn. I LOVE GOD MORE THAN ANYTHING, but If I don't know his characteristics and if I don't spend time in the word DAILY than I will be just as lost as I was in the store...Searching for something to make him happy without actually just asking him and listening for him.

Sometimes the best lessons are learned in some of the hardest seasons of our life.... && I encourage you that even if you LOVE GOD, get to KNOW GOD, so the time he gives you isn't wasted in searching for something to do, but rather in accomplishing what he has for you.

"Remain in Me and I will REMAIN in YOU. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. When you produce fruit, you are my true disciples. This Brings GREAT GLORY to my FATHER. I have LOVED you even as the FATHER has loved ME. REMAIN IN MY LOVE." John 15:4,8-9