Wednesday, September 7, 2011

a little more

Creaky wooden floorboards harbored the exaggerated stomp of heavy, awakening feet. As the creaking proceeded with intensity, so did my concerning insecurity. Adverting my eyes to the floor where Chase would soon be standing, I prepared myself for it to become the all-too-familiar battle ground. 
A feebly, translucent face covered in rough lines of agitation, complimented by an indefinite but relatively small number of scars from a confined experience, appeared in the doorway. Remembering when that once healthy, glowing face would look at me with eyes of adornment had briskly turned into an unforgiving past time. Previously where he had conveyed enthusiastic excitement his eyes now gleamed rampant. 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Love Connection

Here is a quick Preview to my New Book:  

Laughter in the street below fluttered into the heightened loft windows and faded into a distant murmur as it reached my ears. As the sun lowered in the sky, it was clear that the downtown party had just begun. The clinging of beer bottles, the yelling of pre-drunk maniacs, the sound of jewelry jingling, and the hammering of heels on the pavement echoed in all directions. 
Next to me, a lighter flickered and a flame began to rise beneath a glass pipe that held my escape. Melting down my minds barriers, smoking what I believed made me sane, I continued to look into the hourglass of delusions where the sands of time defied gravity. Inhaling deep breaths of Schizophrenic paranoia--exhaling all righteous judgement--the flame burned out solidifying me in my timeless present. 


“Want another hit?” Chase asked with strung-out eagerness. 

Shaking my head back and forth, I implicated doubtfully that I had enough. 

Both of us knew, however, that enough was never enough.

We wandered into the bedroom where our dilated pupils meshed in agreement. Surrendering my body to his, we descended into the silky sheets, being that it was the only place that we could define our relationship.
Never having to wonder if the love was real when the conscious mind was submerged, it kept me defending the relationship that had always been on edge--teeter-tottering on the cliff of disastrous heartbreak. It was if we had flown away to our own never-land. 
The violent strike of reality had a potent sting when the initial gratification was through with. Rolling over--high to the point of exhaustion--Chase’s eyes secured to the back of his head and he passed out, leaving me to wage war against my arousing thoughts. 
Reflecting over the past five months, I realized that I was patient with Chase who had brought me into this surreal place, always thinking things were going to change in my favor, but he was always in a mood that would snap hard one way or another. I never knew what to expect. It was the excitement of the unknown that kept me from walking away. 
The fights were physical. If things didn’t go his way he would yell at me, choke me, burn me with cigarettes or even pour out onto me the alcoholic beverage he was drinking. How did I think I was happy in the midst of all this? 
Holding strongly to the few times he would make me smile made it all worth it. Who did I have if I didn’t have him? 
Unveiling the truth what I rejected to see in my inebriation was that it hadn’t ever been my Never-land. I was living in his and it’s hard to live in a world that doesn’t belong to you. The only way to be happy would be to please the one who owned it. Not caring about my own well-being, this had been the life I held onto. The only life I felt I had ever known.
Staring at the magniloquent ceiling, I gathered my tingling body up and made my way back into the room where we had started our promiscuous escapade. Grabbing for the pipe that still held my desire, lighting up, I began to nimbly twirl the glass between my fingers and lightly breathed away the somatic sensation of discomfort that was starting to catch up with my defeated mind. 
Although I was alone, whispers filled the shadows. The sun peeked through the blinds that had been lowered and shut to prevent the concerns of the world from spilling in. As the light reached it’s hand into the gaps of every individual slat of plastic, it grabbed me by surprise. 
A groaning from the other side of the thinned brick loft wall kept me aware of Chase’s presence. I contemplated the fact that it had been--for me--another night of no sleep. Had it been three days? Or even a week, perhaps?
Trying to decide what the outcome would be of his drug-induced slumber, I mulled over if he would remember the closeness that we had shared only hours before, or if he would be furious that I had not stayed in the bed curled up beside him and then drown me in accusations of being unfaithful.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Love the Little things.

Little eyes,
spectating my face
as I look back into those
that tell a story of His grace
Little cheeks,
blemished from youth
kissing them blindly, 
I see His truth.
Little hands,
 barely able to squeeze mine,
hold my heart with such strength 
loving the One that’s so divine.
Little boy,
that lays silently on my chest
I’ll hold you now...
until He puts my arms to rest.

Lord, Speak through me.

Take these words right off my lips
Catch them with your fingertips
Don’t let them slip away through your hand
Need to be careful where they land
Hold them close to your heart
Let there be a purpose for my lips to part
Speaking with a soul of love and passion
Never allowing the waves to go crashin’...
Hearts and minds pick up a different reading,
Hoping they detect the same greeting...
Whispering softly the truth needing to be heard
Engage your ears to the will of his word.
If nothing else can be done...
Then that’s when you know the wars been won.

Always someone there.

In the darkest days of our hearts
the sun still rises in the sky
even when we feel like giving up
God reminds us to try.
When the world comes crashing upon us
Pushing us to the ground
Heaven reaches down to lift us up
If we can be lost, we can be found.
If there’s a mountain to climb
& we are scared of the fall...
realize whose there to catch us
he’s much bigger than us all.
Time is always passing by
No matter which path we take
Don’t slip away from truth...
We are the choices that we make.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Enemy... God prevails.

You know what the enemy is telling me today.
He is telling me that it's not fair that I had to give my baby away... that there are so many other unfit parents who have babies who should have given them away so I could raise my own... so the ones less fortunate would have a home and that THOSE babies are the ones that are suppose to be adopted.. not my baby.... 

& I say to him...
Those parents are selfish. They don't want what's best for their child. They don't want their children to be happy in a new home. They will abuse their children and keep having more and never give them to a wonderful home like yours. My child deserves the best and that's what I see for him. So enemy... take your worries and your unfairness with you.. because my baby has an amazing life ahead of him.. and those other poor souls... well.. I wish the best for them and I wish their parents wouldn't be selfish.. but they have freewill. I pray that one day those children find God.. because he will take care of them. 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Jesus is Calling

 I am the risen one who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some man made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not resist change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security within Me alone.

It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, each single one presents a unique set of circumstances. DONT TRY TO FORCE-FIT TODAY INTO YESTERDAYS MOLD. Instead, ask me to open your eyes, so you can find all that I have prepared for you in this precious day of life.

Monday, February 7, 2011

..Leap of Faith...

Two Mothers with one purpose.
Our hearts reach out to the one in you.
Two mothers with an unspoken bond.
Both wanting to see you through.

One Mother carried you for nine months,
feeling you kick and grow,
One Mother planted the seed,
that now one Mother begins to sow.

One Mother gave you hands,
that the other gets to hold.
One Mother gave you a heart,
that the other gets to mould.

One Mother gave you a mouth,
the other one gives it a smile,
One Mother gave you feet,
the other treads with you every mile.

Two Mothers will always love you...
always hold you within their heart,
For it was your very life,
That allowed ours both to start.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Patience.. Oh how we learn to embrace it.

It's so easy to slip up and make a mistake, making a relationship with God so hard sometimes. It's hard to learn to walk with him when it's a relationship that makes you feel like you keep having to apologize for something. Nobody is perfect. The glory of God can be intimidating... But the love IS worth it. When you embrace him, nothing ever compares to it again.. Making all the apologies worth the relationship... in the end we are rewarded. Time to learn some patience....


It always seems to me like the bad stuff happens so quickly. We make a bad choice and are immediately punished for it.. but when we make good choices.. there's no quick reward. (not usually anyways). Since the bad choices are often confronted right away it seems like we deal with them more often, whereas good choices just leave us content and SLOWLY build us up to the people we'd like to be. It's hard to be patient and wait for the good things we do to catch up with us when it feels like the bad can be overwhelming. PATIENCE... God... Please grant me some.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Trimesters change moods... like the seasons change the leaves on trees.

1. Scared, wanting it to be unreal.
What a mess I've made. How did this happen?

2. Confused... smiling through tears.
You could stay... You have done such wonders for me.
But.. that's not fair.
Right and Wrong have the same meaning.

3. JOYOUS. A purpose arises.
You saved my soul!!!
I'm giving back to you.
Don't forget me...