Confessions of a Tyrant

I am no relationship expert. In fact, I used to go around breaking hearts just for the fun of it. To a lot of us that have been scarred, it's easy to get cold. 

Truthfully, in our recklessness, we get some sort of sick "happiness" out of watching someone else suffer the way that we did. After all, no one wants to be alone. 

That means that it's true that even in madness and chaos, someone will try to bring you where they are so that they aren't alone in their hurt. 

It's never personal. The person in the relationship doing the hurting is not doing it to make you feel low, but to make them feel high. There is nothing that you are doing to cause it. The sickness of the unhealthy relationship isn't found in your own soul, but in the one that feels betrayed. Like all sickness though, it will spread. 

I've been in abusive relationships. I've also been the abuser in relationships. I've seen both sides. It's not where anyone wants to be, but it's where we often times find ourselves. 

Relationships are delicate. It takes one break to damage the rest of them. It takes one break to feel insecure, self-conscious, and doubtful that you will ever truly be able to give your heart to anyone again the way you gave it away the first time. 

The first person we love will always be the person that we gave everything to without fear, without looking for it to fail, and without hesitation. When we fall from cloud 9, we continue down the path of searching for a love like the first, without wanting to take the risk again. 

Without risk, love isn't possible.

In all certainty, if you don't love yourself first, than you have no love to give anyone else. If you find that you are lost in the madness, don't take people there with you. Focus on you. 

What is it YOU need to be happy? If you can't answer the simple question, than you are not ready to be in a relationship. If you don't know what makes you happy, you will look at your partner to fulfill you and it will never be enough.

We all have our baggage. Are we trying to give it to someone else  or work through it with someone else? 

Everyone has a story. But everyone has the same opportunity-to grow from their past, to learn from their mistakes, and to be a victor instead of a victim. 

In the eyes of a victim, everyone is out to hurt them. Every action, every word, every effort from their lover is done in vain. A victim is looking for a hole to be filled by the efforts of another instead of seeking a way to fulfill themselves. Happiness is unfathomable. There is never a recollection of what someone has done, but rather the mind set of "what have you done for me lately?" Their emotions are immediate and they react without thinking. 

In the eyes of a Victor, they know their self-worth. They are secure in their position. They look at the positive in every circumstance, take responsibility for their actions without blame, and think before they say and act. Happiness is found daily because it's in the small things. They don't seek approval because they know who they are. They are grateful for the gifts they are given and wake up looking at the opportunities that await them. 

Recognize that YOU are a VICTOR. 

While, I've been hurt and have hurt others, I know that there is no escape from yourself. 

Be who you want to be because it is yourself who you will spend the most time with. 

Listening to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri


"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Confessions of a Backslider

 "For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet, God freely and graciously declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." Romans 3:23-24

I've been on a journey the last few months...Undedicated to the things I once was on fire for. But I asked for it.

There are no regrets that I have, and honestly, while I've found myself looking through the lens of shame, I've realized it is not a lens that God wants us to see life through. 

I say that I "asked for it" because as a new Christian, I've only known the goodness of God. I've only known the mercy that He gives and the blessings that He provides from an obedient heart. However, as we start to walk deeper into a relationship with him... things that were once simple and clear can easily become muddled and overcomplicated.

 I used to say "I don't understand how ANYONE can be depressed when they know God. I don't understand why ANYONE would turn away from him." I believe God wants us to have understanding...

When my relationship with Christ is no longer about Him and I... it turns into a relationship that relies on me being with Him for other people.

 It is no longer a relationship that is going to be healthy or solid. In fact, it is no longer a relationship that has any passion or drive, but begins to burn on the fire that other people feed with their words, their actions, and their view of my  words and actions.

Eventually, the flame is fed the wrong words, poisoning what was once thriving. Because the flame is being fed by people and not the Holy Spirit, inside it starts to be put out.

It's not all at once though. The first lie comes slyly... first asking us to Walk away from the Body.

The enemy attacks in a very "subtle" way saying, "It's okay if you miss church this week. They want so much out of you. They expect a perfect person. You can't give them that right now. It's okay, go back again when you get your life together."

Since that flame inside of you is reliant on other people, this makes sense. Church is no longer about me wanting to go or about me enjoying praising with other people, but about other people judging you...waiting for you to mess up...

There's a jealousy. A sickness in the Church... when someone seemingly walks closer to Jesus than someone else. We become targets instead of saints. Instead of being encouraged we get torn down. When the relationship is already dwindling, this is the last motivation that the enemy needs to keep you out of the doors that were once a refuge.

The second lie comes in stronger than the first. 

"You don't need to read your word. It just makes you feel bad. God can't be close to someone who sins so much. Remember the bricks that get built up. Remember that He turns his back on sin. So how can he look at you? Don't read your Word. Don't you want to be happy? He can't talk to you right now. He's ashamed of you."

The judgement you felt from other people is now shifted from just other people to the very God you found your sanity in. Not only did you turn from the body, but now you are turning away from the Head.  There is no more dangerous place to find oneself...

Once the Head is completely detached, you are no longer living. There is nothing left of you. You have been isolated. People reach out, but through the lens of defeat, everyone looks like the enemy. 

When the third lie hits, it hits the hardest. 

"See, you don't go to church, you don't read your bible. You don't even listen to worship music anymore. YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON THAT YOU USED TO BE." 

Nothing. Nothing in the world. Nothing on Heaven or on Earth will make you feel any smaller than believing the lie that you are the same person that you used to be.

All the progress. All the mistakes it took to get where you are. All the victories. All the Wins and Here we sit.... LOST.

LOST.

LOST.

Seemingly, just like before.

 You know what.... God never stops pursuing you. He never stops crying out. He never stops reaching.


"Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach. 2 This made the Pharisees and teachers of religious law complain that he was associating with such sinful people—even eating with them!

3 So Jesus told them this story: 4 “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? 5 And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. 6 When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" Luke 15

There is nothing that will ever separate you from the love of Christ. No sin. No mistake. No person. 

Even if we have turned away from God, He will never turn his back on us. 

Let your relationship be for HIM and watch as He changes your heart back to HIM. Don't do it for other people, do it for you & realize that He uses everything for GOOD. 

There is no such thing as "backsliding" because we are never moving backward. Time does NOT move backward...

God is providing to you an understanding that not everyone will receive if they live their whole life thinking they are perfect.

You are the sheep that He will Find & you are the Sheep that He rejoices over!

Inspired.

Mornings are my favorite.

I love waking up to see the sun rise & I love even more what it means...

It means it's a day that has new possibilities.

New opportunities.

New Moments.

There is never a day that is the same.

Every morning that the sun comes up, you have a chance to make the best of it.

Don't waste a breath thinking about what you could've, should've, would've done.

Live in the now. Expect great things.

Tomorrow is gone, today is all that matters.