Monday, August 31, 2015

Confessions of a Meth Addict

I hesitated to put "meth" in the title, as if calling the drug something else would make it easier to stomach. There in lies the problem.

The drug is not offended when I call it by name. In fact, even when I say it, it still feels like it never happened.

 It feels as though that part of my life melted away...

But the damage... The damage to my body is still so very obvious....and  the damage I see it causing in others is so very obvious.

As a former user, I am not oblivious to the fact that I know some people that still use. They call for help, like I used to... in such a subtle way that very few... unless experienced themselves... would ever recognize. Or unless bold, would ever confront.

Those of us who have been addicted know what it's like to live tormented. We know what it's like to feel desperate. We know what it's like to feel alone. We know what it's like to feel like "the world owes us something."

So when someone challenges us, or attempts to take away the only thing that veils us from that which we are so desperately trying to avoid, we get angry. We get defensive. This is our "fun."

Even though we want to tell them the truth, even when we want to say, "YES, I AM AN ADDICT. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME." We don't first want to believe it ourselves... even if it is true.

The unknown in saying that is so scary.

What will I do if I give this up? Will I be able to pick up the pieces of my life that I've already wasted away? Will I be able to make it through the detox? Would I truly be able to change? Am I even deserving of anything but this? What will I do for fun? What will happen to all my friends?

A lot of us don't want to admit it. We know that someone knows the truth but we STILL try to hide it. We find it comforting when they go away... but then wallow "wishing someone cared enough" to help us.

It breaks my heart.

After almost five years of being clean, I am just now starting to see the full amount of damage I've done to myself... but it's not undoable.

Everything that has been broken, can again be renewed. It's scary. It's not an easy threshold to cross: From addict, to Freedom.

It's not always seen that way.... But why is it that when every addict finally goes to bed, or comes down, and it's just them ....alone.... depression sets in? We were never meant to live constantly running away from ourselves.

Sometimes, we just liked to call ourselves  "recreational drug users," but at WHAT POINT are we honest enough with ourselves to know that we don't want to live life without it?

There are a few of us that can maintain a front...for a while. We can do well in school, we can eat like normal, we can even go to our jobs and act like nothing happened...

But why submit yourselves to imperil. ANY drug is like a wolf.

A wolf may appear thirsty, so we go to give it some water. However, you will not receive appreciation. For indeed the WOLF is HUNGRY and will not politely drink, instead will ravingly devour. The fool thinks they have control when they are really consumed. The fool is the one who believes himself invincible.

As humans, we are not interested in torment until it reaches an undeniable depth that only then peaks our curiosity. When we see someone fall so hard or commit suicide, it is only then that we want to extend a hand.

We rarely see things in the beginning because of our own ignorance. Just like the addict wants to escape and be found; the helper wants them to be found but without being their escape.

All those times I thought I was living, but now I know what it's like to truly be alive.

If you or someone you know, needs anything. PLEASE reach out to me; either by phone or Facebook.... I'm desiring to pray for you or your friends.


Monday, August 24, 2015

A Reason not to read your bible

There is a thirst I have that cannot be quenched. An immeasurable hunger that cannot be filled. 

But who that thirsts gives away their water, and who that hungers gives away their food? 

My mouth has spoken that which I now witness with my eyes. I am just as guilty. 

I've seen it too much. Those of us who have heard a message or a good word and say,"this would have been perfect for so-and-so." As if them hearing it would correct some kind of behavior we don't agree with. 

Why do we read our bible for someone else before reading it for ourselves? We often read our bibles to change someone else instead of challenging our own faith. 

Why do we post scripture to condemn? Even the enemy used scripture to make others feel low. But Jesus came that we may have life and life more abundantly. 

There are words the world speaks to each other to hurt one another. Those words can only go so deep.

But we people can be so brutal. We have a power that few of us truly understand the magnitude of. For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

When we post scripture to prove our own agenda and disprove someone else's, we not only ATTACK someone mentally, we attack them spiritually. 

The Word is meant to carve out the deep human nature roots that we have embedded in ourselves, it was never meant to be used as a weapon against each other. 

With social media, it is easy to post a Scripture with someone else in mind. 

However, I ask are we posting it to attack the way someone else is acting or to attack how someone had hurt us? Or are we posting to benefit the people around us and show the grace and forgiveness that Jesus showed us when he gave himself for us on the cross? 

Jesus loves us and cares for us deeply. He desires for us to look inward and seek His will for our lives. 

Jesus is not our "Teacher," he is our Savior that directs our future, forgives our past, and guides our present. 

The Words we speak are an overflow of OUR heart. They should reflect our imperfections not reflect others. 

The word is a lamp to our feet. It doesn't say use the word as a lamp for your neighbors feet. 

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Inscrutable Forgiveness

As I consider the consequences of writing this blog, I also understand that those reading it do not know, but suspect the following. It is not in shame I write this letter, but it is in power.

Darkness cannot hide if it is exposed by the light. Lies cannot hide when they are exposed by the truth. I continue to share the deepest parts of my life, the hardest, ugliest parts of OUR  life because I know that even if those reading this decide to 'cast stones', Jesus is Lord and He is the forgiver of even the sins we think unfathomable and unforgivable.

Recently, I wondered if I was too far gone. In my radical redemption, I found pride. It's not every day that a meth addict, sex addict, and chaotic person just changes over night. And In pride, I found The Fall.

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11

When we are saved, the holy spirit comes and dwells within us. We start to listen and hear the spirit as it guides us through our daily lives. There is nothing that can take away His spirit in us. Nothing can separate us. NOTHING. So, than what power does the enemy have over us? 

The enemy knows he cannot touch the blood of the lamb, however, we are deceived when the enemy attacks the word of our testimony. He whispers in our ears knowing he cannot have our spirit, but that doesn't mean he cannot battle in our mind--It doesn't mean he doesn't invite his filth back into our thoughts. When the enemy gets control of our thoughts, he digs deep, and plants his seeds.

When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, 'I will return to the person I came from.' So it returns and finds its former home empty, swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before." Matthew 12:43-45

Each seed develops the more we water it. They grow and grow until they create an emotional, destructive war on anything that is good. We stop finding joy. We stop seeking peace. The world begins to look so different, so dark.

The enemy has one purpose and one purpose only: To steal, kill, and destroy. 

I would find myself awake at night, crying over the choices I'd made. Shame filled. Separated in my own mind from Jesus, finding myself constantly at his feet asking for forgiveness, but picking back up my sin and walking in it.

Satan promises the world. He says, "Take a bite, I will show you things you need to know. I will TEACH you things, I will GIVE you things." 

Thirsty as I am for knowledge and thirsty as everyone is for worldly possessions, he knew I would bite. I received more than I bargained for. It was as if in that moment I was no longer myself. It was as If I was an outsider looking into my own life and screaming for it to stop. The enemy is relentless, a roaring lion that given the chance, will devour. My state of mind got so bad that I contemplated taking my own life. 

Only two weeks ago, did it finally stop. I'd been calling out for help. I stopped posting photos of things I cared about hoping people would notice. I went to a small group so if I stopped going to church, maybe someone would realize I wasn't there and they would come and save me. I asked continuously for Austin to seek for us marriage counseling. I called my best friend and said, "I can't do this on my own." 

It is nearly impossible to describe the torturous thoughts I was having. And even now the enemy taunts me saying, "You have been unfaithful, there is no coming back from that. You have been a liar, a thief, and no one is going to believe that it was anyone other than you."

The more the enemy talks, the more He exposes himself. As a Church, we are pointing our fingers at the wrong thing. We try to make sense of the physical when the battle lies in the spiritual. 

Austin and I have been going through a very difficult time. We are newly healing. Healing our marriage and healing our minds. While it sounds crazy, I received deliverance and the moment I awoke from the seemingly drunken, uncontrollable, rage...My eyes were open again. I'm free. 

Every day since then, I am constantly reminded of this scripture: 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

In everything that we do, especially the SMALL things. Resist the Devil. Understand that He has no power and no place in your life. Don't give in to his lies.  The consequences aren't worth it. The choices we make when we follow the enemy lead to death, heartache, and fear. 

IF ANYTHING, KNOW THIS... It is not how much we love God that can save us, but it is how much HE loves us. 

There is no fear in love, but full-grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and so he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love. We love HIM, because He FIRST LOVED US.  

I stepped away from writing, I stepped away from my mission, because I knew I could not continue to just pretend everything was okay when it wasn't. 

Even in my mistakes, my horrible choices I have made, I know that keeping silent is the last thing I should do. If no one is aware of the battle we face, then we are unequipped to fight. If we do not know our enemy, how can we know what we are being set free from? 

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5

Austin has been more than gentle and forgiving in knowing the pain we have both gone through. While He recognized his own sin and did not condemn me for mine, we decided together that we wouldn't let the enemy win in our marriage. We have overcome and we will continue to fight. 

There is a beauty in knowing that we will never be perfect. There is beauty in pure, incomprehensible forgiveness.