Darkness cannot hide if it is exposed by the light. Lies cannot hide when they are exposed by the truth. I continue to share the deepest parts of my life, the hardest, ugliest parts of OUR life because I know that even if those reading this decide to 'cast stones', Jesus is Lord and He is the forgiver of even the sins we think unfathomable and unforgivable.
Recently, I wondered if I was too far gone. In my radical redemption, I found pride. It's not every day that a meth addict, sex addict, and chaotic person just changes over night. And In pride, I found The Fall.
They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11
When we are saved, the holy spirit comes and dwells within us. We start to listen and hear the spirit as it guides us through our daily lives. There is nothing that can take away His spirit in us. Nothing can separate us. NOTHING. So, than what power does the enemy have over us?
The enemy knows he cannot touch the blood of the lamb, however, we are deceived when the enemy attacks the word of our testimony. He whispers in our ears knowing he cannot have our spirit, but that doesn't mean he cannot battle in our mind--It doesn't mean he doesn't invite his filth back into our thoughts. When the enemy gets control of our thoughts, he digs deep, and plants his seeds.
When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, 'I will return to the person I came from.' So it returns and finds its former home empty, swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before." Matthew 12:43-45
Each seed develops the more we water it. They grow and grow until they create an emotional, destructive war on anything that is good. We stop finding joy. We stop seeking peace. The world begins to look so different, so dark.
The enemy has one purpose and one purpose only: To steal, kill, and destroy.
I would find myself awake at night, crying over the choices I'd made. Shame filled. Separated in my own mind from Jesus, finding myself constantly at his feet asking for forgiveness, but picking back up my sin and walking in it.
Satan promises the world. He says, "Take a bite, I will show you things you need to know. I will TEACH you things, I will GIVE you things."
Thirsty as I am for knowledge and thirsty as everyone is for worldly possessions, he knew I would bite. I received more than I bargained for. It was as if in that moment I was no longer myself. It was as If I was an outsider looking into my own life and screaming for it to stop. The enemy is relentless, a roaring lion that given the chance, will devour. My state of mind got so bad that I contemplated taking my own life.
Only two weeks ago, did it finally stop. I'd been calling out for help. I stopped posting photos of things I cared about hoping people would notice. I went to a small group so if I stopped going to church, maybe someone would realize I wasn't there and they would come and save me. I asked continuously for Austin to seek for us marriage counseling. I called my best friend and said, "I can't do this on my own."
It is nearly impossible to describe the torturous thoughts I was having. And even now the enemy taunts me saying, "You have been unfaithful, there is no coming back from that. You have been a liar, a thief, and no one is going to believe that it was anyone other than you."
The more the enemy talks, the more He exposes himself. As a Church, we are pointing our fingers at the wrong thing. We try to make sense of the physical when the battle lies in the spiritual.
Austin and I have been going through a very difficult time. We are newly healing. Healing our marriage and healing our minds. While it sounds crazy, I received deliverance and the moment I awoke from the seemingly drunken, uncontrollable, rage...My eyes were open again. I'm free.
Every day since then, I am constantly reminded of this scripture:
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7
In everything that we do, especially the SMALL things. Resist the Devil. Understand that He has no power and no place in your life. Don't give in to his lies. The consequences aren't worth it. The choices we make when we follow the enemy lead to death, heartache, and fear.
IF ANYTHING, KNOW THIS... It is not how much we love God that can save us, but it is how much HE loves us.
There is no fear in love, but full-grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and so he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love. We love HIM, because He FIRST LOVED US.
I stepped away from writing, I stepped away from my mission, because I knew I could not continue to just pretend everything was okay when it wasn't.
Even in my mistakes, my horrible choices I have made, I know that keeping silent is the last thing I should do. If no one is aware of the battle we face, then we are unequipped to fight. If we do not know our enemy, how can we know what we are being set free from?
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5
Austin has been more than gentle and forgiving in knowing the pain we have both gone through. While He recognized his own sin and did not condemn me for mine, we decided together that we wouldn't let the enemy win in our marriage. We have overcome and we will continue to fight.
There is a beauty in knowing that we will never be perfect. There is beauty in pure, incomprehensible forgiveness.