Saturday, August 15, 2015

Inscrutable Forgiveness

As I consider the consequences of writing this blog, I also understand that those reading it do not know, but suspect the following. It is not in shame I write this letter, but it is in power.

Darkness cannot hide if it is exposed by the light. Lies cannot hide when they are exposed by the truth. I continue to share the deepest parts of my life, the hardest, ugliest parts of OUR  life because I know that even if those reading this decide to 'cast stones', Jesus is Lord and He is the forgiver of even the sins we think unfathomable and unforgivable.

Recently, I wondered if I was too far gone. In my radical redemption, I found pride. It's not every day that a meth addict, sex addict, and chaotic person just changes over night. And In pride, I found The Fall.

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11

When we are saved, the holy spirit comes and dwells within us. We start to listen and hear the spirit as it guides us through our daily lives. There is nothing that can take away His spirit in us. Nothing can separate us. NOTHING. So, than what power does the enemy have over us? 

The enemy knows he cannot touch the blood of the lamb, however, we are deceived when the enemy attacks the word of our testimony. He whispers in our ears knowing he cannot have our spirit, but that doesn't mean he cannot battle in our mind--It doesn't mean he doesn't invite his filth back into our thoughts. When the enemy gets control of our thoughts, he digs deep, and plants his seeds.

When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, 'I will return to the person I came from.' So it returns and finds its former home empty, swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before." Matthew 12:43-45

Each seed develops the more we water it. They grow and grow until they create an emotional, destructive war on anything that is good. We stop finding joy. We stop seeking peace. The world begins to look so different, so dark.

The enemy has one purpose and one purpose only: To steal, kill, and destroy. 

I would find myself awake at night, crying over the choices I'd made. Shame filled. Separated in my own mind from Jesus, finding myself constantly at his feet asking for forgiveness, but picking back up my sin and walking in it.

Satan promises the world. He says, "Take a bite, I will show you things you need to know. I will TEACH you things, I will GIVE you things." 

Thirsty as I am for knowledge and thirsty as everyone is for worldly possessions, he knew I would bite. I received more than I bargained for. It was as if in that moment I was no longer myself. It was as If I was an outsider looking into my own life and screaming for it to stop. The enemy is relentless, a roaring lion that given the chance, will devour. My state of mind got so bad that I contemplated taking my own life. 

Only two weeks ago, did it finally stop. I'd been calling out for help. I stopped posting photos of things I cared about hoping people would notice. I went to a small group so if I stopped going to church, maybe someone would realize I wasn't there and they would come and save me. I asked continuously for Austin to seek for us marriage counseling. I called my best friend and said, "I can't do this on my own." 

It is nearly impossible to describe the torturous thoughts I was having. And even now the enemy taunts me saying, "You have been unfaithful, there is no coming back from that. You have been a liar, a thief, and no one is going to believe that it was anyone other than you."

The more the enemy talks, the more He exposes himself. As a Church, we are pointing our fingers at the wrong thing. We try to make sense of the physical when the battle lies in the spiritual. 

Austin and I have been going through a very difficult time. We are newly healing. Healing our marriage and healing our minds. While it sounds crazy, I received deliverance and the moment I awoke from the seemingly drunken, uncontrollable, rage...My eyes were open again. I'm free. 

Every day since then, I am constantly reminded of this scripture: 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

In everything that we do, especially the SMALL things. Resist the Devil. Understand that He has no power and no place in your life. Don't give in to his lies.  The consequences aren't worth it. The choices we make when we follow the enemy lead to death, heartache, and fear. 

IF ANYTHING, KNOW THIS... It is not how much we love God that can save us, but it is how much HE loves us. 

There is no fear in love, but full-grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and so he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love. We love HIM, because He FIRST LOVED US.  

I stepped away from writing, I stepped away from my mission, because I knew I could not continue to just pretend everything was okay when it wasn't. 

Even in my mistakes, my horrible choices I have made, I know that keeping silent is the last thing I should do. If no one is aware of the battle we face, then we are unequipped to fight. If we do not know our enemy, how can we know what we are being set free from? 

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5

Austin has been more than gentle and forgiving in knowing the pain we have both gone through. While He recognized his own sin and did not condemn me for mine, we decided together that we wouldn't let the enemy win in our marriage. We have overcome and we will continue to fight. 

There is a beauty in knowing that we will never be perfect. There is beauty in pure, incomprehensible forgiveness. 

1 comment:

  1. It takes tremendous courage to 'expose' those parts of our humanity that the enemy wants us to cover up. The value in sharing, hopefully encourages us to turn our gaze, and look upon the face of Jesus, as He received shame & punishment for me.

    I pray that you and Austin turn to look upon Jesus’ shame at the cross…That you have greater revelation of what Jesus specifically did for you as the last Adam, the Lamb of God, and also the Lion who overcomes…May our Lord Jesus increase your faith in Him.

    Jesus is the author of our faith. He started it. He’ll also see it to completion through the Holy Spirit. Faith in Him is a gift that comes by actively hearing the revealed Word of God. The destiny of the Lord’s disciples is to grow in faith, until His Word, His kingdom, and love are revealed IN us.

    “…let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12)

    Have you ever wondered what “the sin that so easily entangles us”, refers to? It’s one sin that’s universal….The one sin that Adam struggled with and everyone else. It’s also at the root of every other sin. It’s unbelief. There’s a reason those who turn away from the world, and turn toward the Lord God Almighty are called ‘believers.’ We believe something that the rest of the world abhors. We believe that our sin caused such a separation from God, that nothing short of God coming down to take our place could restore us.

    I’d like to share something the Lord recently revealed to me about how the rest of the world abhors the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus…
    God wants to separate His people from the kingdom of darkness, and transfer them into the kingdom of His dear Son.

    After the 3rd plague in Egypt, while the Hebrews were waiting to be delivered from their captors, the Lord said to Pharaoh, “I will put division between my people and your people, by redeeming them from the rest of the plagues.”

    It is the heart of our Lord to allow His people to endure some suffering, for the sake of getting us to turn and see the face of our Lord, allowing the desires of our flesh to be in submission to His spirit, and to keep our minds focused on Him. After 3 days in the belly of the earth, Jesus was resurrected having overcome death and sin.

    Pharaoh called Moses and Aaron and said, “Go, sacrifice to your God within the land.” But Moses said, “It would not be right to do so, for the offerings we shall sacrifice to the LORD our God are an abomination to the Egyptians.”

    What? Their sacrifice was an abomination to the Egyptians? What was the sacrifice, and what was its purpose? And how did Moses already know this before the Levitical law came?

    When we worship God’s sacrifice for our sin, this is an abomination to the rest of the world. This is why there is a reproach when bringing up the name of ‘Jesus’ in a conversation, be it with a believer or not. There is no room for pride when I speak of Him as my Lord. To do so, is to admit that I pierced Him, and to cause mourning.

    You mentioned one of my favorite things; the blood of the Lamb.

    “Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, And has made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him, glory & dominion forever.” (Rev. 1) Hallelujah! Meditating, praying through, and resting in the finished work of what Jesus did at the cross for MY sin is what restores our soul (mind.)

    Remember, Jesus is the faithful witness, the Firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of kings on the earth. He loves us. He loves ME. He is the Lamb of God slain before the foundation of the world.