Labor day weekend-- After going home with this woman that rescued me from the pit... I felt so alone. It was the early morning of September 2nd... The early morning after leaving where I thought I was suppose to stay and perish... It was the morning something was different.
I felt a feeling I had never imagined I would ever feel. I felt acceptance. But who was giving this to me? I was in the room alone. Then, without understanding, I got on my knees. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I began to ask what this feeling was.... I got my answer.
God came to me. He told me that I was going to be okay. HE told me that he had been there the whole time. He told Me I wasn't abandoned, that I was ready. I sobbed. The shame was so great. Who had I become? Why didn't I see how awful I was being? Where was God when I needed him most--for most of my life-- I didn't believe he existed. I denied him.... but there on my knees.... I accepted acceptance and received a new life.
I stayed up all night praying... I didn't want this overpowering feeling to leave. I saw myself for what I was and I prayed for God to take care of my baby! It was hard for me to accept his gift because of how undeserving I was--But I knew my baby deserved to feel this love that was in the room with me. I couldn't take him away from it. At this moment, I knew God put this Heart--this willing heart-- in my stomach to soften the hardened one in my chest.
"HE will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea." Micah 7:19
After labor day weekend, I left her house. I felt as if I had to take action and do something, but it needed to be different than what I normally always did...So, I went home.
I couldn't tell my mom I was pregnant--not after I had been away from home for so long--so I sat in the living room while she was in her room... and I texted her the news. I was so ashamed. She came out to the living room--disappointed. She was much more calm than I expected. She told me that I needed to give him up for adoption, because when I texted her I said I was going to abort the baby and I needed her help to do it. She quickly said NO, abortion was not an option. But what choice did I have?
I felt as if I had to talk to the father.... I didn't want my Mom to think I was running away again, but I couldn't tell her I was going to see him. I went to meet him at the hotel, but he wouldn't let me leave. I only wanted to tell him that I was thinking about adoption instead of abortion, but he told me that if I gave him up for adoption that he would fight it. He said I either had to kill him or keep him. I could sense in my soul--a deeper feeling--that keeping or killing the baby was wrong.
What I thought was going to be a good idea and a conversation quickly turned into a heated argument when the Woman called me and asked me where I was! I couldn't tell her because the father didn't want her to know. So she automatically thought we were doing drugs and told me to let her talk to the father. IT made things much worse. He said she was crazy, that she would NEVER have the baby. I could hear them yelling at each other. How did I get in this mess again? I couldn't leave...not yet. I wanted to convince him to give the baby up... but after this phone call... It wasn't going to happen.
I wanted to let him settle down before I left because I didn't want things to get violent. So I stayed the night. My mother was livid when I got back home--asking me what I was thinking! I apologized and told her why I went to see him in the first place. She didn't understand. I told her I needed support, I had too many things fighting against what I believed to be right.
Amazingly, God planned something bigger than I thought. My Mom helped and took me to the Pregnancy Care Center. I got to Hear baby Charlies heartbeat for the first time, and see him on an ultrasound. At this point, I knew he was a miracle. I knew God had big plans for him... HE saved me from the inside out.
At the end of the appointment, I got to meet with a mentor. She told me all my options; abort, keep, adopt. I knew his heart was beating and that God had given him to me, so abortion was out of the question. I couldn't be a murderer... he was ALIVE. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but what if the family didn't love him? What if he was messed up because of the drugs I did? Why did this unborn baby have to be caught in the middle of confusion?
"Because He did not kill me in the womb, so my mother would have been my grave, and her womb forever great." Jeremiah 20:17
HERE IS A POEM I WROTE ON SEPT. 19th:
An unborn child in a courageous soul.
A fight between two loves seeking control.
A judgmental woman and a Man on parole.
All mixed together in a belligerent bowl.
Armored with strength and armed with his word.
In a disposition to fight where she can’t be heard.
Bewilderment arises, as her pronunciation is slurred,
Only to be mocked by a Mocking bird.
Praying to God for a King solomon to be addressed
Desiring his Wisdom to prepare an invasive Test,
Allowing all pretences to be confessed.
Caught in destitution is an unborn child just needing to be blessed.
After going home from my appointment at Pregnancy Care Center, I sat down and cried... && as I cried... I cried out to GOD--the same GOD that I never knew was the same God that never gave up on wanting to know me.
In hopelessness we become desperate, But God has his plans positioned. We must be faithful to trust him. What is it your planning? Are you trying to force your plan to happen? Be patient, God's plan is better than anything we could do on our own.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Labor Day Weekend 2010 - This weekend, every year, has always been a tradition in the Ward Family. The Ward Family Reunion, there in lies many memories. This year I was sure I was gonna have some 'exciting' news to share however that, again, was not the case. In fact I didn't want to go to this one to see the cousins 'expecting' and the sister-in-laws (plural) with their baby bumps and babies. I wanted a little baby chicken of my own - for me to get all wrapped up in. But that wasn't the case at all.
Every year this time Ben and I attend church and then book it straight to the reunion an hour and a half away, only to hang for about an hour and munch on the rememance of what was lunch. Which, in actuality we’re totally fine with because the real party is at the lake house - where the close relatives hang out and enjoy each other. This year in particular I didn't feel like I had much to bring to the table as far as news was concerned. And as far as most of the family was concerned - I was disinterested in having babies (as it was my front..I'd much rather 'pretend' I wasn't ready for kids, than share the truth that we weren't able to)...
This labor day weekend and the following week began what I unknowing at the time (until Lesa and my journal research) set the stage for incredible things. This weekend is where Lesa and I can date back together as the “beginnings” of what God was up to. Though we know God’s character as one that orchestrates and knows our whole lives before we even are knit together in our mothers womb (Jeremiah 29:11). This discovery shaped me to believe, all the more, the WORDS of a righteous man prevails MUCH.
It was Sunday, September 12th, 2010. Ben and I were in church and at the end of our Lead Pastor’s message, he asked us and some other families to come up to the front. He felt compelled to have the church pray over couples who were trying to get pregnant but couldn't seem to or couples who couldn't keep their babies longer than a few weeks. In the midst of wrapping up his prayer over all of us and speaking over us, he looked us square in the eye and spoke right to us -the Holy Spirit, through Pastor Chad, "God has heard you, He will be faithful to give you a baby, your promise will be fulfilled." Looking back now, I was never told I'd be pregnant I was told I would be given a baby.
In our research of sorts, Lesa and I realized a week after she was saved (Labor Day Weekend)and made the CHOICE to keep her baby and that adoption was the answer..Ben and I got our word...our promise.
Three days later we had youth service. During youth worship, I felt compelled to be on my knees before God. It was anointed. As I was, I felt a hand touch my back and remain there for a few short moments. Once worship was over I headed back to my seat. As I was retrieving my notebook and bible, one of my dear mentors and fellow youth workers walked up to me and said, “As strange as it sounds. Take it for what it is. But I saw you with two children. They were different in age but I saw you with two. Do with it what you will.”
What she spoke didn’t seem foreign to. It actually felt natural and, well, right.
From these moments on I sensed something brewing, its so incredibly hard to describe. Most of my journal entries reported my contentment. I could almost see how I was spiritually nesting, as if expectant.
Which makes sense now when thinking about the day we would get the call..
The following months, my journal entries continued documenting an enlarging. There would be many a day when, as a human, I would be faithless but I felt it as more of a healthy frustration.
During this season, Ben and I both felt like adoption was the direction God was taking us. At this point we attended an Adoption Class through a highly recommended agency and decided we would begin the official process of adopting.
"For he did not kill me in the womb,
with my mother as my grave,
her womb enlarged forever." - Jeremiah 20:17
With the idea of adopting a baby into our family slowly becoming a reality through paperwork. I felt the strong urge to all the more intensely work on my character. I wanted to make sure all my 'closets' were clean before welcoming a child in our home. In my alone time with God would find myself totally undeserving, thinking about all the stuff I had missed the mark on. But God remained. He stayed, even when I started confessing the bad stuff..like He didn't already know.
"You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." - Micah 7:19
We would find ourselves a bit discouraged at the cost AND the time it would take AND all that would be required but we wanted it and like God, we remained.
In times of hopelessness we can become desperate, reaching for anything to satisfy. Abraham and Sarah were given a word "You will have a child, an heir." In their impatience and frustration they forced an heir to be born through Sarah's maid servant, but God has His plans positioned.
Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
And Jeremiah 10:23 says, "LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps."
We must be faithful to trust Him. What is it you're planning?
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE." - Jeremiah 29:11 (emphasis mine)