... Three days of thinking about the family that had stirred my spirit... three days of decision making without even meeting them or hearing from them.
The first day--Jan 19th, I knew up and down they were the ones.
The second day-- Jan. 20th, I met with the Woman from the Agency. I told her I planned on having a private adoption--out of faith--I had no idea if this family was truly the one and by telling the Woman this--I was giving up my option of going through the Agency... I already knew somehow that I wouldn't need the agency's help anymore and I didn't want her waiting on me. When I told her, she reacted like I was making a huge mistake and that I was not going to find anyone better than the families she had shown me. She walked away very upset with me. It made me so anxious.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the holy spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5
The day of Jan 22nd I knew God wasn't going to let me fall. He knew I was STEPPING out in faith, and HE would direct each STEP as long as I kept moving.
I heard, from Heather telling my mother, that Jamie had written a blog to me. I couldn't wait to read it! I sat down and looked at the words that had been typed and as I was reading I felt the spirit all around me. I read the blog post at least 7 times and then looked at my Mom.
"Mom, call them! I want to meet them! I know she is perfect."
So, My mom got their number from Heather and then called.
As I sat next to her while she was on the phone, I had no idea what they were saying. I could just HEAR my mom talking, but I couldn't make out the words. I just saw her mouth moving and I felt like the room was in slow motion. I anticipated meeting them. I thought... let's just go to Panera Bread? Can they meet today? Can they meet right now!? Is this them?!
GOD IS THIS THEM!??!
My mom hung up the phone. She said we were going to meet them tomorrow (Jan 22). She then told me her name was Jamie Ward and his name was Benjamin Ward... They had facebooks!
"For in this Hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is Not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?" Romans 8:24
The first impression I got was from a blog... It didn't have a face, it had an emotion behind it. The emotion of a greater love... A love that surpassed human understanding. I could FEEL it.... and when I saw her facebook picture... I could SEE it. It was in her eyes. Compassion, Love, Joy, and an overwhelming amount of happiness seemed to spring from the eyes I was looking into-- and not just in her picture, but also in Bens.
I looked through all their pictures and through their comments. They loved each other. They loved their friends and families. And in my mind, they already loved my baby boy.
A blessing, an amazing blessing, that didn't seem to make sense until this moment. I felt like I had been marching around the walls of Jericho without seeing the purpose, feeling useless but continuing in faith. I could tell the walls were about to crash down.
Trying to sleep that night--impossible... and not just because of the huge belly, but because I knew I was going to meet the family that was going to be taking care of Charlie. I looked at my belly and began to talk to him.
"Charlie, tomorrow we are going to meet your new mom and dad. They are going to love you so much and I can already tell you are going to be spoiled. Your lucky, you are going to know Jesus. You won't have to go through what I did. You are going to have a mom AND a dad. Baby boy, I wouldn't allow you to grow up without a Dad. You need him.. He's going to play sports with you. I know you like to kick...maybe you guys can play soccer together. But Charlie, know this... I love you and I will always love you and even if I don't get to see you. I hope you remember my voice. I hope you remember that I am doing this because I love you."
He quit wiggling and I felt as though he heard me. Peaceful, I wondered if it was because he knew... he knew that he would be okay and I knew that God was holding him, comforting him, and through the small soul living inside me, he comforted me.
"You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing.... behold, this we have searched out; it is ture. HEAR and know it for your good." Job 5:24-27
True Faith cannot see how the landing will occur... it simply leaps on the conviction that it WILL occur. Are you willing to Jump even when you can't see what your going to land on?
You see that FAITH was active along with his works, and FAITH was COMPLETED by his works. James 2:22
"...if this is her...who carries him.." - Jamie's Take
We had to hear from her. I had to know. The evening of January 19th - I was teaching Kid’s Church and Ben was teaching in Youth. I had my phone on LOUD..Heather walks in during the middle of service, only to tell me that she probably wouldn’t be calling us tonight because she had to work and doesn’t get off till late and she would in the next couple days. She also let me know that Lesa was considering going through an adoption agency. I was unconcerned...who was this person I was becoming? I was given an obstacle and it didn’t phase me. I knew God had this woman bear this child for me. I was however extremely bummed she wasn’t gonna call until she wanted. I need a time, something from her to cling to.
So we waited. Ben, the unshakeable, as I’d like to call him, invested no emotion until he had more facts. He kept me grounded. He was excited but needed more to stand on before considering opening his heart to it. I, on the other hand, already registered and finding myself visiting Target just to walk around their baby section, leaving with small items, multiple times a day. I was nuts! But at the exact same time I knew that sweet baby boy was mine, though not growing in my stomach, he was growing in my heart.
I just wanted her call - I just wanted to tell her I already loved her, her - not just him, but her too. I wanted her in my life. I wanted to hear her voice, the one giving my son life. The feeling was unreal and the only one who knew how I felt was Ben. I didn’t want anyone else to think I was insane. Knowing this now, it makes so much sense why it isn’t hard for Ben and I to have her in our lives, attend the same church and just hang for coffee without our son. I wanted to just know she was okay.
I had to do something! I didn’t know if she had seen our facebook pages yet but still everyday, every hour I would look at us as if I was looking through her eyes. I’d jump with joy when I’d find a picture with me or Ben and one of our family’s or friend’s baby, surely she saw those..hopefully she sees those. I was so critical of us. I wanted to change my profile picture a million times, replacing it with a picture of me and my friend’s baby who was dressed up like a giraffe, but I withstood the temptation.
Then I thought..I have a blog..it doesn’t have very many entries, however it’s something. Not everyone will see it and it can just be to her. I still had to be vague. That was my solution...so I wrote.
My blog entry from January 21st
“if this is her...who carries him...
...i'm speechless..which if you know me...is a trait i often rarely possess
you have to be confused. i commend your desire to give him safety and peace. i admire your heart for wanting more for your son...desiring greatness for him...security, love, soundness....
i can't sit by and wonder if you will chose me...my heart races wondering what you think of me as you look at my husband and my pictures...
..i'll open my heart and take this risk because i know i can be IT for him. my husband and i we love greatly and are loved greatly...your baby boy would be connected to that love. i'm eccentric and ben is always logical, i'm creative and ben's a peace maker, we're lively and energetic, we have a million people who support us... there's so much of who we are that i wouldn't mind being challenged by asking with.
...i cant carry him or anyone for that matter...but we want... and we desire to love big...and to have lots to love in the future..
i'm trying to be vague..and i don't want to scare you away. but this risk is worth it to me. many aren't willing to risk love for fear that their heart will be broken in the process...its worth it for me... to risk..to go out on a limb..”
I reread it a thousand and one times, and Ben proofed it for me. We looked at each other, we smiled, with tears in our eyes and I did it, I pressed ‘upload’. I then told Heather she could tell Lesa I had written solely to her and she was welcomed to read at her convenience.
I went to bed, exhausted. I slept so good, thankful, I had a full day at work waiting for me. I woke up, even more thankful that my busy day would keep my mind off of the yearning (even just to relieve a bit) and my eyes off my phone.
I was so busy I needed an assistant, relieved that I would have extra hands in case my phone, in my back pocket went off. I began to blow dry my last client with the help of my assistant, when the phone began to vibrate. My heart skipped a beat, the kind where you get cold really fast then warm in your cheeks. I slipped away, not caring if I was unnoticed or not. It was a number I did not have saved in my phone. The first room I got to was the breakroom, where girls I worked with were joking and hanging out, in a hurry to not let it go to voicemail I answered the phone. It was Lesa’s mother. Oh my gosh it was Lesa’s mother! With one hand holding my phone to one ear and one hand covering my other, for unbeknownst to me, I’m deaf in that ear. I listened. Lesa’s mother explained who she was and that her and Lesa would like to meet us. Asking where and when we could meet, I threw out some suggestions. I could hear HER, Lesa, talking to her mother..I couldn’t breathe..I started to tear up. Forgetting where I was I realized the room had become silent and my coworkers looked concerned. My concern was with Lesa, not with my current perception. I held it together long enough to get a date, time and place. Tomorrow, after church at Panera Bread. I thanked her... (I have no idea why) and said goodbye.
I had to process this alone, however I had some explaining to do - as the apparent concern could not be left without some justification. I briefly shared and as I got deer in head light looks, I decided I would stop while I was ahead and head to the bathroom to process.
As I shut the bathroom door behind me I slumped to the floor and wept like a baby. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was so grateful. All I remember saying is “God you are so ridiculously good..” I believed Him, I saw Him differently. He was for me. I was changed and I hadn’t even held my promise yet. I possessed an incredible HOPE.
“We can rejoice,when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our CONFIDENT HOPE of salvation...AND THIS HOPE will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5
“We were given this hope when we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?” Romans 8:24
Gathering my bearings I called Ben, then went to finish my last client. That evening we went to our friend’s house. I didn’t eat, I was determined to see my fast through. I drank water, and prayed like a mad woman in my head, while appearing sane and naturally excited on the outside.
All I knew was I had a son, growing in a woman I loved dearly, both strangers, but so familiar to me at the same time. God was doing something miraculous. And I was privileged to be apart of it.
“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 5:9
True faith is being able to believe wholeheartedly without the ability to see how everything will turn out..it simply leaps with the belief that something good WILL occur. Are you willing to jump without seeing and reviewing your flight plans or landing zone?