Thursday, May 8, 2014

Is it Hard? (Confessions of a Birth Mother)

Three years ago, I gave my son up for adoption. During these three years, there is only one question that constantly follows me. Although to me, the question has different meanings... The question cannot ever fully be answered.

As I work on the "speech" for the Mother's Day Banquet, I have been reading and re-reading the moment when I let go of  baby Paxton and he was placed into his mothers arms.... the moment my heart surrendered in obedience to the call God had on our lives. 

... And the question comes back... The question that so many ask and wonder. 

Three words: is it hard?  That's it. It's those three words that bring me to tears. It's those three words that tug at my heart and make me search deep within my soul... IS IT HARD? 

If these three words mean: Is it hard to have given a child up? The answer is Yes. It's not just hard, it's near impossible. Your body will ache for days along with your heart. Your mind and body are not in sync. The body believes you have a child.. It tells you to wake up, be alert, walk around, here's some energy, rock back and forth.. Hold something.. 
When the mind knows the truth.. There's no baby to wake up to, no baby to be held, and no need to sing a lullaby. 

But if these three words mean: Is it Hard to see your baby when He is another's?  The answer is no. It's not hard, it's breathtaking. It's not hard to watch a young baby boy be embraced by two loving parents. It's not hard, to see him laughing, running, and playing. It's not hard, to see him call his mother "Mommy" and his father "Daddy." It's not hard to see the three of them watch ninja turtles. It's not hard, to watch as another baby enters their household.. And Pax tickles and loves on him.

It's not hard to see a lovely young woman come to be his sister... Who holds him and loves him and plays swords with him! 

It's not hard... because any mother who truly loves their child, would never think it hard to see them with so much joy. 

The sacrifice wasn't just so I could sit back and cry about a baby that should have, could have been mine. The sacrifice was so that this baby could have life-- life to the fullest.. And I am blessed... To be able to be embraced by this loving family... That they would love me enough to include me in his life. That they would love me enough to let me baby sit and bring my family around him. 
So... Is it hard? There are days when I would love to hear a child running around my husband and I's house... But I know that God is good and he delivers the desires of our hearts... And he fulfilled a promise in another couples life... 

God uses the hard things that we go through to bring promises that we never thought we could be used to fulfill. 

Nothing worthwhile... Is ever... Easy. 

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