Love Connection Finale - Jamie's Take

The days following we finally got back home and settled, Pax got newborn pictures taken by a dear friend and we met Lesa for lunch. We had the typical doctors appointments and were adjusting to life without consistent sleep. 

Having in Paxton in our lives made everything more right. As if was suppose to be here with us all a long. In random moments, Ben and myself would be brought to tears by how good God was. We would make up night time songs to sing to him and embrace him on our skin while watching television.

Our relationship with Lesa blossomed into a beautiful friendship. Her and I would attend women’s church functions together and randomly text throughout the week just to check up on each other. God was shaping her heart. She was disconnecting from him while at the same time loving him. She has never overstepped or requested to see him - it’s always been fluid. We would hang out with or without him, snag coffee and talk about Jesus, church and life. 

Our family feels complete in this season and I know the Lord has more for us, we are content. We still are graced with God’s provision with the entire adoption. Some of the most monumental moments we encouraged Lesa’s presence. Some she was able to attend, some she was out of town and wasn’t able to attend. We didn’t have the normal time allotted to prepare mentally and physically for a baby but it was always as though it was just right and Pax was meant for us. 

Paxton was dedicated to the Lord at three weeks old. Our Pastor, the same one that brought us to the front to be prayed over by the church, was now holding our little chicken, much like Simba in the Lion King on display to the church as a testament of God’s goodness. 

We had one post-placement homestudy visit and began tying up legal loose ends. Our first court hearing was the beginning of July. Pax was five months. In the beginning our hope was hope to have him legally ours by our 5 year anniversary, as it takes 6 months, and we were planning to have the court hearing when he was a couple weeks old. We has some hiccups, but the Lord was faithful and showed much grace. Without going into detail, I felt it was important to share so that others may be encouraged when going to adopt and in the process. Yes, God provided us with Paxton but it didn’t come without some hiccups - as anything of value does. Which comes working with people and the legal system. However, had they not happened we wouldn’t been able to have the memorable, favored first hearing as we did have. As believers, you will find on your journey - sometimes God wants to take you the long way around - allowing you the privilege of relationships and special moments made in the wait. This hearing we would attend, if all was presented correctly, would begin our six month mandatory placement assessment. All to say we wouldn’t finalize our adoption until January 2012.

Our hearing was early in the morning at the children’s court. When we came in with Pax, there were many other families there. Some finalizing there adoption, some beginning the process, and some in foster care. There were two sets of young families there - who through some observation were adopting siblings. These two couples did not know each other until their adoption journey had started and now on was adopting the brother and one the sister, the kids ranging about a year apart and being about two and the other three or four. They were finalizing their adoptions today and they, with there families there to share, were celebrating each others families. Though the thought may sadden some that these two little chickens were going to be separated, they looked loved and adored by their new families, clinging to their mommies, unaware of the other.  The most beautiful thing was the two sets of parents - swapping information and planning times throughout the year to get the two babies together. These mothers were glowing and holding their children as though holding their purpose in life. 

That was one gem of that day. The other was the Judge facilitating our hearing. He is a bigger man with the most friendly face. As we entered, sat down and began, Pax was entertaining the bailiff and a woman who assisted the logistics of the courtroom. He got them laughing, throughout the hearing. Lesa’s lawyer - that we provided for her, Pax’s state issued attorney along with our representative, our uncle, and us sat on display for the Judge. The attorneys and Judge Jones did their thing as I sat to the right of Ben, with Pax on my lap. Pax flashed some entertaining smiles to the Judge who would pause in the middle of his sentences to acknowledge Pax’s gestures. This meant so much to me, as a mother, and as a woman in an uncertain environment. I mean, court is for criminals and justice, it made me a nervous wreck. In the midst of there discussions, the Judge had mentioned reviewing our case the night before and mentioned his intrigue with it. He had also noticed that the new law, issued the beginning of the year was not being applied to our situation. The law basically states if the mother specifically waves her rights to a set of parents it kicks in the start of the six month mandatory placement. So what that meant for our situation is legally Pax could be ours in August, as we had planned but had lost all hope for. Our uncle, Ben and I began to shift on our seats, as the judge wasn’t talking directly to us but rather in the direction of Lesa’s and Pax’s lawyers. That’s when I felt Him. An army of heavenly hosts were in that room. Call me crazy but I felt it. I knew that I knew, God was indeed orchestrating His favor and will in that room. I was honored and overwhelmed that He cared and it was all the more confirmation that the Lord had greatness planned for this little boy in my lap. I looked to my left only to find that Ben and our uncle were baffled and could also, being believers, felt and knew God was doing something. As they continued to talk, our uncle began to shuffle papers - the way the judge was talking we were gonna get this baby today.  Ben and I panicked, we can’t get him today, our mother’s would kill us that they weren’t there.  Then understanding was restored and the judge turned to Ben and I. He began to share his intrigue with our situation and then looked us straight in the eye, with a pause and states that seventeen years ago - his wife and him sat were we sat - and that he already sees Paxton as ours and that he was going to do everything in his power to make this the easiest thing to finalize. He then turned to the court secretary to rearrange his adoption hearing times (as he only does three a year - January, July and December). He was insuring us a spot to finalize our adoption December 20th. That is favor! He wanted to make sure we qualified for the adoption tax credit and to just make all things official. What he did, he didn’t have to - but it moved us that he wanted to.

Paxton hit several milestones early. He crawled a littler earlier than typical and began walking at nine months. He loved to eat and was alway a chunk. He wasn’t afraid of anything. The kid is fearless. There has always been something about him that adults and kids were drawn to. We can tell already he is a naturally leader and a lover of music. 

December finally approached. We were accompanied by family, friends and Lesa in the courtroom. As the judge met with us again, Ben and I in the same seats and Pax on my lap but this time desiring to be much more vocal and mobile. Anyone who has ever adopted - this is monumental. I couldn’t hold back the tears...they rested on my eyes. There was so much about this moment that touched me. Lesa was here. My parents were there. Ben’s parents were there. Some believers, some not. But all were witnessing a miracle. Ben and I lost it was the judge stated, “Let it be know that the father of Paxton Oliver Ward is noted Benjamin Allen Ward and the mother is Jamie Nichole Ward. Lost it. And with a smile and a meek look, the judge tapped his gavel as if to say - it is finished. It was a holy moment, one that will never be forgotten. My mother looking at me from my right side, had just witnessed a miracle and I felt my parent’s proud of me - all and only because of Jesus. 

My little man celebrated his birthday in grand fashion with many family and friends. He was celebrated and we were honored. Lesa and her family joined the festivities and were able to meet many our family members, who themselves were never able to meet Pax till his birthday. It was magical, special and so tender. 

Our family has been more supportive than we could of ever imagined. There is no question or hindrance of their love for Pax because he’s adopted. As parents, we couldn’t ask for more incredible family or friends. 

Being a mommy has its challenges but its the most rewarding and weighty role I will ever play - and I have a beautiful young woman to thank. 

Since then Pax has continued to hit all his benchmarks and is growing up way too fast. We see Lesa as often as we can and her and I are very close. We have some of the most real conversations I’ve ever had with anyone and I feel a strong responsibility to her to be an incredible mentor to her. Though our intentions in the very beginning was to have separate lives - our churches - our towns and such, it immediately dissolved as our relationship grew closer. 

Lesa began attending my church and after a few visits began the process of becoming members. It was all by my invitation. She was desperate to find a more life-giving church and I strongly felt she would fit the body of our ever growing church. She attends the lifegroups I lead and she is always making new friends and sharing our story. We sometimes catch the same service together, where we are able to worship next to each other but it is just our normal. She’s a part of our lives and despite some of our family’s initial concern that we were becoming too close, it has become our reality. 

Currently, we don’t see each other much, catching separate services and only really texting every once in awhile. When we do see each other though, its timeless and priceless.

About the time Pax was a year and a half - I was strongly considering meeting Paxton’s biological father. The only things I knew about him was what I heard from Lesa. She had incredibly compassionate feelings toward him but was also very honest about their very unhealthy relationship. I didn’t know for myself, about how he felt with the whole adoption or about him or us. My own experience of him was only that he never signed the adoption documents, therefore waiving his rights by this thirty day grace period.As Paxton grew up and started walking and getting his little personality I really wanted to know more about Lesa as a baby, as well as about him. In all my intrigue and gratitude I really really wanted to meet him and thank him. He currently was in jail for violating his parole. The same jail, Ben’s step brother was in. I considered visiting him when Ben’s mom and step dad would make a visit to see his step brother. Ben had no interest and in my suggestion he preferred I didn’t go see him. 

So I just prayed for direction. I prayed for an opportunity. I prayed that if it was what God wanted I was available - otherwise I would prefer He took the desire away. I prayed.

And it came, randomly.

I received a call from Lesa one day letting me know she was at a stop light and he pulled up next to her, tapped on her window from his motorcycle and asked to talk. She wanted me to know he was out of jail. 

Was this the time? Was God designing an opportunity. 

I didn’t know what to think. 

After to talking to Lesa and talking with Ben I went ahead and looked up a relative of his online on a social networking site. She was on their as Lesa’s friend so I emailed her to ask if she was indeed his sister. 

After a few hours I received an email back. We began to talk via email and decided to meet at the end of the week. Moments later I added - that if he could come I would love that. My heart thundered in my chest as I waited for her response. She said she would try her hardest to make it happen. In the mean time we made specific plans and I let her know I would be bringing a friend, since Ben would be working (and honestly had no desire to meet anyone). 

I would meeting her and possibly him in less than a day. 

I prayed earnestly that I would be able to meet him. I prayed that God would be there in that place so evident that everything that would be said would be uplifting and beneficial. 

As the hour approached I met up with my friend, her husband and their two kids. I had Pax with me - so the plan was that he would stay with her husband that their boys and play while we met. And if by some random series of events, he would be there and I felt like it was right - I was going to let them meet Pax. 

As we walked in we searched for what I knew of her to look like based off the pictures I had seen online. As we were looking she walked in. She was sweet, very kind and seemed timid. I saw a lot of her in me. I introduced her to my friend. And then she told me.

He would be coming. 

She told him to wait a few minutes to arrive so that she would have time for me to find out and digest it all. 

She also wanted time to talk to me as his sister - to give me an honest take of who Chad is and where he comes from.  

We ordered coffee and sat down on some couches. 

She was extremely grateful to meet me and began telling me a bit about Chad. That he is the youngest of three. He has a brother 8 years older than him and a her, who was 7 years older. She explained the brother she always known - easy to talk to and would talk with anyone. A natural leader with a natural charisma. How all his nieces love being around him when he does come around but that he was pretty unreliable. As a teenager he was sent to private school and that he started getting into a lot of trouble. His parents tried with him but that they seemed to have many marital issues and in recent years had divorced. As the youngest he was pretty spoiled and got away with a lot. She told us she he really was a great kid and went with the flow. He was also a bit of a risk taker. He was raised to know right from wrong and from what I gathered she was a Christian believer.  

I could tell she adored her brother. I could also tell she wanted him around more. She wanted him to be reliable and she wanted so much for him. 

She let me know some of the family knew and were grateful he was being raised by Christians. 

She thanked me again and then looked up to notice he was here. 

The enterance to the coffee shop was behind us so when I would first lay eyes on him in the flesh he would be a few feet from me. 

As if in slow motion he set his bike helmet down, looked at his sister then looked at me. 

And as with Lesa and the first time I met her, I was in love. 

We said hello and shook hands. But I wanted to embrace him. 

He sat down and asked if we wanted anything else to drink before we started talking, which was very courteous then we started talking. 

It was so natural. We were so honest with each other. He began by saying how incredibly grateful he was to want to meet and even more so that we had adopted Pax. I went cold then hot. He was happy about it. To hear him say that meant worlds and planets to me. Even though I already had God’s blessing on it - to know he was more than happy about it - was the detail on the icing (of the cake I was already eating.)We talked about how we heard about him and about his birth and what he was doing as of late. We talked about the funny things he did and a little bit about his personality. 

He asked me what I wanted to know and we straight shot. In the beginning he would state things like,”I’m sure you heard about me” or “I’m sure that’s what so and so said.” I need him to know I was raised and mentored to go straight to the source before I formed any solid opinions. I told him I wanted to hear from him. The real truth about him straight from the source that lived it. 

He was taken back. Had he met someone who cared to know without any preconceived notions. 

Yes, yes he had. 

I asked him how he felt when he found out Lesa was pregnant. Saying he didn’t really think the baby was his. However, crediting that they were using drugs - reality and paranoia were a bit mixed. He talked about their relationship and how they were able to recently talk and he was proud that she was indeed very good. He stated he was happy for her and that she was always very bright and genuine. 

I asked him how he felt when he heard about Paxton’s birth and adoption. And he told us he was glad it was us. He had strong feelings about the person Lesa was considering. He said Lesa had texted him when she going to the hospital to let him know he was being born. He looked me straight in the eye and said he was more than happy that Ben and I had him and stated by the looks of it (from online pictures) we were raising him well. 

Then I got even more real. By this point he knew I was a straight shooter. His sister and my friend were more like spectators - imparting every once in awhile to add detail. I knew he knew that our family loved Jesus. He committed often that he was glad he would be raised in a Christian home. But I wanted him to really know what that meant for our family. I wanted him to know our reality.

I asked him how he got to where he is. And, he told me. 

He was in an accident at sixteen and became addicted to pain pills. He said he’s always been reckless and stated he hoped Pax was nothing like him. He said from that he just got into the wrong crowd and began using meth. As he finished, it was silent. 

I hadn’t managed tears until this point. I looked down as to not lose it. It was silent. For minutes - I looked down. And as I looked up I saw his sister wipe tears from her face. As if when he shared about who he really was - it was the first time he was honest with himself and with anyone - about who he was. My heart went out to her. I could relate to his sister. 

A few weeks before - in my alone time with the Lord - He wanted me to deal with my emotions dealing with my own brother. Who also was in an accident at sixteen and became an addict to pain killers as well as many other addictions. A few weeks later, standing in front of me, was my brother 10 years later. 

In my pause - in those moments of silence - it was if the Lord took my tongue. 

I looked at him and he at me and I said the following (main points of what I can recall). I told him I thought Pax was indeed very much like him. That he had natural charisma and that everyone wanted to be around him. That he was reckless. I looked him square in the eye and said I was proud of that and those were my favorite things about him and that I believed he got all those qualities from him. I told him that Ben and I will raise him to use the very qualities that he saw as bad as ones that would bring honor to the Lord. 

I boldly told him there was nothing wrong with the way he was wired but rather the way he used his giftings. I told him I thought it was extraordinary that he was reckless and an “all in” kind of guy and that the body of Christ needed more of them. I told him that every night when we laid Pax laid down and prayed for him that our prayers turned to him - that his life would radically be changed and that he would fall in love with the Lord, meet a godly gorgeous woman and have more incredible children like Pax. And that my prayer for him is that the next thirty four years of his life he would fall asleep on his pillow every night certain he honored God that day and that he felt fully satisfied about the life he lived. 

That was Jesus. His sister began to tear up again, as he said, “Wow. No one has ever said that to me before.” 

Then I began again, as a sister. I told him he his family needed him. His sister needed him. That when he said he was gonna be somewhere that makes it there. That when the family gets together, he shows up. That there is no heartbreak than that of a relative worrying sick about those they love. I told him that his decisions didn’t just effect him.

I then spoke in regards to life in Jesus. That God wants him to choose Him but He wont force him. It means more to the Lord that he intentionally chooses to love Him. I also told him He was very near. That He is waiting but that He wont always wait. That now that he has been told about the truth, it was his responsibility to make it his truth. 

As bold as it was it was the truth and he appreciated it. 

I told him how important to me it was that I met him, that I thanked him, but more than anything that I told him about Jesus and what He did for us when he gave us Pax. That  was the most important - that the person who had a part in giving my son life knew about the very Creator of life and the cross, the very gospel of God. 

I then talked to him about how I needed to meet him first before Pax ever decided to meet him when he was older. That I would have a reference point and that he would to. That he knew where Pax was coming from. I told him about our reality of Jesus in our home. I told him about our church and I told him what our son would know about the God we served. I needed to know we weren’t the norm. That we loved Jesus. We weren’t perfect and that individuality was celebrated. 

Then I asked him. 

I asked him to make it right. It was his choice. But I wanted to ask him. I asked him with a please. 

If he would please help me, years from now - when Pax wanted - to present Pax to a man who loved Jesus and served Him. 

His choice. But I was clear I needed him to be okay. I needed him to be alive and well. Of course the reality is we only ever NEED Jesus. I just wanted him to know he had a role to play. 

He then asked me something. He stated that his mother had MS and was not well at all.  His sister and him explained due to her illness they decided not to tell her about Pax. He looked at his sister then at me, and asked if I would let his mom meet him. He told me I didn’t owe him anything and I explained I would have to talk to Ben. He understood.

I asked them how she would feel about it and both of them said she would be thrilled but sad at the same time. She would be grateful a Christian family was raising him but that she didn’t find out till now and would be broken about the circumstances. Her son had a baby and was not in the place in life to keep him. I assured them I would talk to Ben about it but I couldn’t promise anything. 

After we talked some more he got some food. His sister leaned in, as he went to the order some food, to ask how I was able to say all I said. I told her was Jesus. That God allowed me some pretty incredible mentors to teach me the importance of every soul. 

She couldn’t believe that I was able to say in an hour what she was trying to say for years. She was grateful. And I was grateful for her. 

Then it was decided. 

I wanted my friend’s husband to bring Pax in to meet them. I really would of preferred Ben to be there, however I knew it was what God wanted. I knew that if Ben was there, I wouldn’t of probably said what I said. Everything the past two hours was God ordained. 

As he sat down, I asked him and his sister if they would like to meet Pax. They looked at each other then at me and said the obvious. Yes. 

Pax came moments later and introductions were made. He was a natural with Pax. Feeding him some of his food he ordered, then ordering him a cupcake. I let them sit at a table and eat together while my friend, his sister and I talked. As the meeting wrapped up, he asked if I wanted anything before leaving. As I was picking up after my son and throwing stuff away he followed, stopping before I headed back. He paused and then began to profusely thank me. He stated no one had ever cared enough to say anything like that to him before and he would never for get this entire day. He then said it - that Pax was indeed in the best possible hands. 

 

A week later I took Pax to see his biological father’s mother. He also got to see his sister  again and her husband, as well as, his biological father’s dad. He didn’t make it. We stayed for three hours, where Pax entertained them all and kept even at home nurses laughing. 

That weekend - Ben began to allow the Lord to deal with him concerning the biological father. He stated he realized that I had opened my heart to Lesa, even though I could not be his birth mother and that he should do the same. Because in the end it’s not about feelings, it’s about souls. We should always be mindful of that. 

Since then we have not heard from him. I hope one day Ben can meet him. Until then we continue to pray for his protection, his safety and his soul. 

Pax will always know he was adopted. We read him his adoption story and write to him in a journal we made him and his future (way future) bride. He’s still too young, but Lesa would prefer, as he got older, to be much like an involved aunt. His adoption will always be celebrated and he will always know the Lord’s value and view of adoption. 

“you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8: 15

“And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18

In the next few months our family plans to take on the injustice of foster parenting. We’ve always talked about it and believe God is directing us to this avenue even for a season. We plan to do this in hopes to adopt from the system. All while planning our move to Africa to work with an organization called Children’s Cup. Lesa is excited for us - as we recall being asked in our first meeting if we would ever moved and explaining we would only move where Jesus leads. That’s the answer she wanted to here and it was the truth. The move and arrangements for Africa will take a couple years - so while we wait, we will foster, Lord willing. We always want to be where Jesus leads. We want our son to be raised know the value of this and experience it first hand. 

Our prayer for our son is that he will love the Lord with his whole heart, soul and mind - that his life be poured out as a love sacrifice for the One who first loved him and that he will never make his mommy sad. 

Pursuing Grace-- My "Busyness" Flaw

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him, Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.
This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:12, 14-16 NLT

As Austin and I were on our way home from Branson we got into a discussion on mercy and grace. Austin was speaking about a parable he had leaned in Matthew that really applied to our relationship and helped me to understand him in a deeper level... God is so wonderful in how his teachings can cover everything... Not in 100 books, but in One. He is simple and to the point...

Then I told Austin that I had never heard that parable and he looked at me confused and asked," have you read all the gospels."

Woah. Hit hard. Kinda crazy, I love Jesus, but in this moment I realized how much I had to learn about him because I have not read all the Gospels....

I have read the old testament like a crazy woman-- love every part of it-- but in doing this, I have neglected the new testament. The reason this is so important is because when Austin and I were speaking about "Mercy and Grace." we discovered that I have a better grasp on mercy and he has a better grasp of Grace.

Because the old testament is so full or mercy, I have been living my life in gratitude for what God has taken me away from, but not for what he has given me.

I have discovered that I must get a grasp on Grace, because I have a hard time giving up control to God. I have a hard time accepting anything given that I feel as though I don't deserve. And to be honest... I don't deserve it...

But I keep myself so busy because if I am not busy I feel as though I am not earning Gods love.... As if I am not working hard enough to get my salvation... As though I am not working hard enough to prove myself to him...

But because I work so hard, the moments pass by, the people that matter most to me can't find trustworthiness in me because I try to do everything all at once... And the flaw is not because I am not trustworthy, but because I am in pursuit of Gods grace.... And I do not realize that I already Have Gods grace.

After not having a Job for a few weeks now, I have felt lost and discouraged... Because I have found my worth in working...

God always has a reason for things and I finally understand... I can't earn Gods grace, I can't be living so hard in pursuit of something I already have...

So I ask a few things of those who read this... Pray for me to understand what Gods grace truly is, that I get a deeper understanding in Christ, and that he brings me into a place where I can quit trying to earn something he has already given me. Pray that I can live freely and in the moment.... Pray that I find Gods Grace sufficient enough....

All this to say " I will learn the Grace Gods Given and no Longer do busy work, but cherish the moments God have given me now... I want to learn to give thanks for what's been freely given instead of just seeing my dirt... My unworthiness.... Jesus has cleansed me and I didn't deserve or earn it, but I can learn to be thankful for it and Accept it with an open heart."

My mistakes cannot be fixed by my hands, by my work... They can only be fixed by my acceptance of Gods Grace through Christ Jesus.

There's nothing in the world, better than that truth.

Just as humility forces us to acknowledge that we can’t earn God’s favor, it also points our hearts to Jesus Christ and as we look to Christ, the Cross humbles us. Saving faith is not possible without humility. Your faith will be in the thing in which you depend upon. If your dependency is in works, you will put your faith in your good works. If you humble yourself and acknowledge your need for Jesus as savior, you will put your faith in your Christ. It is by faith in Christ that we become righteous. Romans 4:5

Over-Fed && Under-Nourished

   I was watching a commercial today that was showing how many americans are obese and unhealthy. They eat a lot, but get no nutrition.

No, This is not a blog telling you what you've heard a thousand times about physical obesity, but rather about "Spiritual Obesity".

How many of us know that being fed does not mean we are nourished?

See, the bible IS FOOD and many think... I must read it to be fed.  Which is true...But how many of you know that if you aren't keeping the Word in your heart that you can be fed, but not nourished?

We may be reading it daily, scripture after scripture... verse after verse...chapter after chapter... but what happens when you are reading and not retaining. It's not just about how fast you can read the bible...but rather, maintaining your relationship with God and truly changing your life to walk the Christian walk, not just talk the talk.

Let's look at the definition of FEED and NOURISHMENT for a second...

FEED: To provide for consumption, utilization, or operation.

NOURISH: To keep alive; maintain.

Hmm... It amazes me that a lot of Christians are just consuming, but not maintaining. I've had my fair share of just wanting to read as quickly as possible to get it out of the way... but then I have been asked about what I read and I can't remember! Just as quickly as I read the scriptures, I quickly forgot.. That's not what Christ meant by using the bible as food, that's not how we get full.

So then you may say...How do we know if we are "Spritually full or Spiritually-Full-of-it?"

Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15)  

  If we are spiritually full we know God's commands and we obey them. If we are full of it, we know some of God's commands and we pick and choose what fits OUR lifestyle.

 

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. (Psalm 119:11)

If we are spiritually full, we hide God's word in our heart and we try our hardest to live a life of purity and worthiness. If we are spiritually full-of-it, we read scripture and forget it before we can even think about living it out.

¹⁵I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways (Psalm 119:15)

To Be Spiritually full means we try and discover new depths to the scriptures meaning and seek new applications of its truth... to be Spiritually full-of-it means we read a story when we are 8 and think it doesn't still apply to our lives now.

I just wanted to write this so I can encourage you to not only consume the word, but to maintain the word...to hide it away in your heart... so you may find yourself bearing fruit and becoming SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY instead of SPIRITUALLY HURTING. My prayers are for those of us who read the Word, but do not live the Word out. My prayers are for those seeking the potential in God's promise, but do not see the potential in themselves to seek that promise. My prayers are for those who feel as though they are seeking...as though they are doing everything right, but are still having a hard time because they are not full, just full of it.

Encourage each other to

Not only Eat the Truth, but use it as Energy,

Not only Consume Truth, but Correct greater Issues,

not only speak the truth, but live it.

God Bless.

 

Finding Faith

 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of FAITH, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the CHAMPION who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the Joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disreguarding it's shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary or give up." Hebrews 12:1-3

I love this... as I have recently been struggling with Finding Faith. I pray and pray... and I can sometimes feel like he isn't listening because I am so ready to see a change in the people I love... I am seeking that fire... that desire to follow him with all I have... I have become bored and complacent. So, in seeking FAITH.. I found this scripture... and it occured to me... That I have been Walking. That I haven't put down the weight that I have been carrying. I haven't completely given everything to Jesus.

So, The life of Faith that I want... is exactly what is explained above.

Hebrews 12 says, "We are surrounded by such a crowd of Witnesses to the life of faith..."

 It makes me wonder who those witnesses are in my own life. My family? Yes, they are watching me. They are watching my faith that I have and they are learning from it. My friends? Yes, they too are watching. My Co-workers? Absolutely. Everyone that knows me has a glimpse of my faith with every word I speak and every action I make. This is weight that I have been carrying... That I must be perfect so I do not trip... that I must be perfect to show them who God is...

I must give this weight to Jesus. I must not look for perfection in faith, but look to JESUS because he IS perfection in Faith. However, in this scripture I have also realized this: That faith is a process.

It says that when we look at Jesus, he INITIATES our faith... which means that a process begins... it means that we are growing and being changed from our core. Everything about our life changes when looking at Jesus... and then the witnesses that are seeing our Faith will also change, not by what I am doing, but by what Jesus is doing In Me.

In the long run, I cannot be looking back at the eyes that are looking at me because they will cause me to get off course, but I must look into the face of Jesus, my saving grace that perfects my FAITH, so I can run with endurance...

I can not let the fear of leaving people behind keep me from running... but I can only pray that they will find who I am running to.

Sleeping in the Storm

Are you going through a hard time in your life? Are you having a trial that you cannot possibly imagine getting through? Have you obeyed what Jesus has asked of you and still found that you are going through a Storm?

Your not the only one.

Lets take a deeper Glance at Mark 4:35-40

As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” 36 So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). 37 But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water.
38 Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?”
39 When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. 40 Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”   (NLT)

First, I want you notice that Jesus says to the disciples, "Lets cross to the other side of the lake." When he says this... it's an order, but also a choice. The disciples choose to do it. Jesus doesn't just say," Hey you guys, go to the other side.. I will wait here."  No, he says LETS... Jesus is asking them to do something, but not on their own. He goes with them.

Well wait a minute, if Jesus goes with them why is there a storm? & then you may ask, and if Jesus knew there would be a storm, why did he send them out?  (we will get to this)

Lets check what scripture says.... 

Jesus was sleeping...Let me pause again.... I find this hilarious... I can just picture all these people running around as the boat is filling up with water and the storms a brewing and Jesus is cuddled up, peacefully napping... alone while EVERYONE else is awake and worried. Why was Jesus the only one asleep?

Well, there's always a lesson in what Jesus does.

While the storm is going on and Jesus is asleep... the Disciples panic and what do they do... they call out to him saying "Teacher, don't you care that were going to drown?"

I want you to notice first that they call out...they don't just cry out Jesus SAVE US... they cry out TEACHER... Jesus was SILENTLY sleeping... and when there is a test...aren't most teachers quiet?

Continuing on-- the disciples go on to say...don't you care that were going to drown?

Would you say that they are looking at the wrong end of things? I think it's safe to say...that they are looking at the problem...they are looking at the worst outcome. They are not asking Jesus if he will stop the storm.. but they are asking if he cares.

How many of us call out to Jesus like this.... we say something like "God, I am going through this storm and I am going to drown! Don't you care Jesus?! Where are you Jesus? I am going to die and you aren't even worried!"

You may think Jesus is not with you...But GET THIS, Jesus...as soon as his disciples CALL out to him... he wakes up... and he says SILENCE. BE STILL... the waves cease. and there was a great calm.. not just a regular calm..but a great one.

Then he asks, Why are you afraid? Don't you have faith?

So let me ask you, Why are you afraid of the storm you are going through? Don't you have faith?

Jesus doesn't ask us to go through it alone, he sends us out so we can learn to call upon him... but he doesn't want us to be afraid and ask him if he cares, if he didn't care, he wouldn't have died on the cross to SAVE us. He died, so we could overcome death... death...my friends... is the worst outcome and just as the disciples were crying out...they believed they were going to die..that they were going to drown.

Your storm will not drown you, Jesus is on the boat with you and instead of crying out to him saying " Jesus don't you care? Jesus where are you?", Cry out to him with HOPE and FAITH and ask him "Jesus, I know you are there in this storm. I know that you can calm the sea and calm the storm in me. I know that you are mighty to save and that you can release me from this prison.. I know that your power is bigger than my problem and I have FAITH that you will hear and keep me from drowning."

Jesus will wake up to your cry, but don't you think he would much rather wake up to your cry of faith? He is going to stop the winds reguardless....but why worry then if the winds will cease?

If anything...while you walk through this part in your life.... remember this... Have Faith in Jesus, it Keeps us at peace, Keeps us still.. and the Storm in Us Ceases when we call upon Jesus and His Spirit Wakes up inside of our soul.


JESUS WILL ALWAYS WAKE UP.

"Through Humility a Son is Given" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's take --

The morning came too soon. I was still tired and achy, as well as uncertain but willing to carry out the plan that God had so ingeniously devised. Shifting around in my bed and mentally preparing myself, I couldn't believe how surreal everything was becoming.

My mom was sitting next to my bed and Pax was soon brought to our room. I walked over and picked him up. I had a little outfit for him... But Jamie had the cutest "Hello Ladies" outfit for him... And it was quite appropriate because it was Valentines day! So I asked her if he could wear it. She came in and changed him into it.... He was so precious--so delicate.

After Jamie left the room, about an hour later Ben came in with roses for me. They were beautiful. It helped keep me strong in knowing that they loved Pax and in showing me how much they cared about me... It made it all the more easy to come to a place of peace.

As I was Cuddling his face, and wiping the few tears I had... My mom and I Chatted and shared in the bitter-sweet-glorious moment of relinquishing all doubts and ultimately placing Paxton into the arms of another family.

I took more photos of Pax and talked to him. Gave him all the hugs and kisses I could give him before he became surrendered unto Gods Perfect will. I kept staring at the clock, praying for just a little more time... Just a few more minutes, seconds even... To hold "the treasure" God had unburied in my heart-- Exposing it for me to see, but not for me to have.

Time passed away like it never forgets to and the time for Paxton to go, became minutes away. Jamie came in and sat next to me... She put on his little Sock Monkey hat. She held his hand as I held him and pain held my heart.

Jamie let me know that his car seat was ready... And she walked out of the room to give me my last moments with Paxton. My mom and I cradled him and shared in an embracing group hug. We then began to walk him to Ben and Jamie's room. I was given the honor of placing him in his car seat.

As we entered their room, they stepped out so we could place him in his car seat and say our goodbyes. I held Paxton's tiny fingers and kissed every inch of his face while buckling him in. It was at this moment, that my Mom began to cry... And after trying to hold it together... Tears began to trickle from my eyes. I closed my eyes to keep them from coming out. I wanted to be strong... I wanted my Mom and Ben and Jamie to know that everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately, like a Dam that can't hold back water anymore, tears came bursting out from behind my closed eyelids.

"When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there's no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you'll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You'll no longer be so full of questions." John 16:21 MSG

Undeniably, I began thinking of how my tears were showing my failure... How could I comfort my mother when I myself am crying? How am I going to let Paxton see me crying? This isn't sad, this is a wonderful blessing that God has chosen me for!! Lesa, get it together. Be strong!

I started to feel anger grab me... And then I see the wheel chair being rolled up the hallway. I leave Paxton after taking one last picture, and walk into the hallway to give Ben and Jamie hugs and blessings. I want to just run out... I don't want to look pitiful and sit in a wheelchair to be rolled out. I wanted to cry... But I didn't want anyone to see me... So I was mad... Mad at myself for being such a baby. Mad that people were surrounding me and I couldn't let myself cry.

"Fools vent their anger,

but the wise quietly hold it back." Proverbs 29:11 NLT

I heavily sat myself down into the wheelchair, flowers in hand. The nurse started to wheel me away... And I couldn't bring myself to look back... I couldn't stop staring forward... As if to suggest to everyone that I was strong and could move on.

As we were wheeling down the hallway, I saw this lady in a wheelchair as well... But unlike me... She was holding her baby... Her tightly bundled up baby.. She was glowing and smiling. Her husband was behind her... He had the same glow on his face. He leaned down to kiss her as we wheeled on past them.

I looked down at my flowers, and wished for more than anything for them to turn into a baby.

Still trying to hold it together, I remained silent. My mom had gone to get the car and I was alone with the nurse that had been pushing me. She was silent for the elevator ride, and I didn't mind. I didn't want to fill the silence. I felt as if everything I loved had just been taken and as the emotion of heartbreak was standing still, so were the sounds of my surroundings... And I wanted to keep it that way. I knew as soon as my mouth opened, my heart would release all the thorns in forms of tears and yelling.

When we got off the elevator, I was wheeled to the front door of the Hospital and it was there, that what I wanted was compromised when the nurse began to speak to me.

She told me that she admired me for what I had done... That she thought I was strong and courageous. She said she could never do that... And instead of saying anything, I just thought... Yeah, I could never do it either... But I did.   I stared down and looked at my toes, then my eyes adverted to my tummy...that, unexpectedly, was relatively the same size as it was when I was carrying pax, only it was now hollow and empty... Visually Resembling how I felt inside.

As I sat impatiently waiting for my mom to bring the car around. The testing of my faith was not over. Jamie had come down, and stood right next to me. She put Paxton's car seat right...next... To... Me.

"For you examine us every morning

and test us every moment." Job 7:18 NLT

I had said my goodbye already and seeing him again in this moment, crushed me. I was so happy to see him again, but I wanted to just reach down and pick him up and never let him go. I tried again to be strong and not let her see me upset or sad. I said goodbye to Jamie as my mom pulled up and the nurse wheeled me out. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to Paxton again.

As I pulled myself into the car, I said goodbye to the nurse that had showered me with kind words, looked at my mom that had already put on her sunglasses, shut the door, and then automatically sank into my seat.

I was hurting and I was angry. I felt so cold inside and to make it worse... The sun was shining... Making me mad at God. To myself, I began to ask God why he would allow the sun to shine on such a sad day? I felt as though God was happy and it wasn't fair that he would be happy when he knew I was hurting. Trying to position myself so I couldn't see the sun, I began to let the tears fall. I tightened the muscles in my face, as though I was in agony... But it was not my body, rather my soul that felt defeated.

The car ride felt so long. I just wanted to be home. I wanted to hide from the world. I wanted to let my guard down... I wanted to just give it to God... But I couldn't stop my heart from hurting.

When we pulled into the driveway, after a long silent car ride, my mom and I both got out of the car.. Still speechless. My body felt so heavy. I walked slowly, dragging myself into the house. Opening the door was even difficult, I just left it open so my mom could come in...  I was becoming so weak... My legs shuffled along the carpet toward my bedroom. Was I dreaming? Why didn't I have control of my body? I made it to my room just in time... My knees gave out and I found myself falling into my bed. Collapsing in my grief.

Like a volcano... Sobs erupted... Deep, gasping sobs from my core...  I let go...Breaking down, Giving up- I put my broken heart on my sleeve for God to mend.

My mom came in and broke down with me--our broken hearts on display to each other. She held me as I uncontrollably wept. And together, we pushed through the suffering.

"Look upon my suffering and rescue me,

for I have not forgotten your instructions." Psalm 119:153 NLT

After laying in bed all day, I felt as if i would be in distress forever...

However, through my tears I knew what I had to do... Painfully, I completely surrendered the Hole in my heart that Paxton had been filling to God and in no time...God reached down his comforting hand and Picking me up in my brokenness... I began to heal.

"And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” Mark 5:34 NLT

"Through Humility a Son is Given" - Jamie's Take

After an eventful early morning. I awoke at 11 a.m. after falling asleep a few hours earlier with a migraine. It was either a lack of sleep or the stress I felt that had brought it on. I was a million emotions - but was quickly brought to one - when my husband entered the room with roses. It was Valentine's Day. Pax's original due date was today..and we were taking him home today. I was even more proud of Ben because he was coming from Lesa’s room from giving her flowers. He was going to be a great provider - an incredible father. I knew he loved Lesa and this was the only way he was comfortable to tell her. He was grateful, he was in love with her child, he was humbled.

I took some time alone, locking myself in our hospital bathroom - doing a devotion and praying. I wept in my shower, pathetic and broken. I was going to be taking a baby home, while the woman I, we, had fell in love with went home empty handed...

The day couldn't go by fast enough. We met with our Pediatrician - who let us know Pax was healthy and ready to go home. All of our hopes (including Lesa's) was that he would be discharged before Lesa. But as the day dragged on and with no bonding time with Pax (I realize this sounds selfish but being honest) and with the constant feeling that if we did get time it would take away from hers, we cuddled on the bed. I would weep in frustration and conviction. With every new hour came with it was a new nurse who had no idea what was going on and would need to be updated on our 'circumstance' only belating the 'release.' Discharges in themselves take seemingly forever, then tack on legal logistics. 

We finally received answers at about 3 p.m. We met with Lesa's lawyer that we provided for her and with the hospital social worker. After many questions and statements, Lesa's lawyer suggested we cover certain costs that we hadn't originally agreed on which we were willing to do - especially after we had already created a bond with Pax - there was not much we wouldn't do. The hospital social worker took Ben and my i.d's - only to question mine after seeing blonde hair on my drivers license and starring into the eyes of a current red head. She had to leave and 'run it through' with Lesa. People sometimes. Honestly I was annoyed - my profession as a hair stylist was coming between us and the swift release of our son. 

Lesa and her mom were getting in their time with Paxton. At this point no one knew that we would see each other as much - all we knew is it was going to be about twice a year, so I was trying to be respectful. They were making trips back and forth to the nursery to get his feet and hand prints. My body ached. I can't take her baby away while at the same time I couldn't wait to get my hands all over him. I couldn't wait to lay him down in our bed and snuggle as a family. But she was so happy - holding him and walking back and forth past our door with him. 

 "being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience" - Colossians 1:11

I felt like the hospital was making it worse and dragging it out. 

Then finally, about 4:45 I entered Lesa's room to say goodbye. We were free to leave.

I wanted to honor her time with him but it was time for him to come home. I realize the rest of what I type may seem heartless, that's not my intent. Lesa knows the Lord directed her to this decision and I knew I had supernaturally birthed Pax from my heart. He was ours. I was his mother and Ben was his father. Lesa meant more to me than any other person in the whole planet. Her faith and obedience is a daily conviction to me. I'm a mother because of her sacrifice.

With the news, Lesa took more pictures with Pax and handed us copies of his foot and hand prints. As her nurse came in with papers it seemed Lesa was now also being released.

We all dreaded this. We had asked all the several nurses we had to talked to that we all (including Lesa) wanted us to be released way before her. Now we were leaving together - making good byes impossible. 

Lesa eventually made it to our room - as Ben was finishing up loading the car. She kissed him tons and then laid him in his carseat that was sitting on our bed. She began to strap him in when he started to cry. She couldn’t handle leaving him with his last moments being ones of tears. I stepped in, with the prompting of Ben’s nudge and began to help her strap him in. My heart sank and my body went cold. We hugged. 

We said good byes. And let Lesa and her mom have some last moments with Pax. As we were headed out the door - Lesa’s nurse showed up at our door with her wheelchair. 

Don’t get me wrong, I was mega grateful to have been so well taking care of at the hospital. Later finding out that our stay was free of the hospital. But the complexities having so many shift changes and some nurses who weren’t willing to understand what was going on only to keep Ben and I aloof in hopes of not breaking HIPA, was frustrating.

Lesa was strolled down before us (against all our requests) - so we stalled to give her time to catch an elevator to the first floor and get their car. However as we left the hospital we ran into her again in the main lobby. She was in her wheel chair waiting for her mother to pull up - holding only the flowers Ben had gave her this morning. Our stomachs fell to the floor and both our hearts broke. We were walking out with a diaper bag, flowers and a baby in a brand new carseat.

We stopped to say one last good bye. But Lesa was colder. She was still sweet - but it was as if she had already begun preparing her heart to seperate from him for a time with every foot of distance she took away from him. Her mother pulled up seconds later. Ben had went to get the car - while Lesa, her nurse and Pax and I waited. I watched her get loaded in her car. She seemed limp and lifeless - only giving a bleek smile at us before shutting the door. 

Ben pulled up right she pulled away. 

As we left the hospital with Pax and his things all snuggled in, I began to take a million pictures and texting them to everyone. We were on our way home (well our friend’s) with our firsts child. Halfway home I texted Lesa and thanked her. I had so much gratitude for her - I didn't want her to think I was done with her. At the same time it was our time to begin bonding with him.

Immediately after getting to our friend’s, Pax was naked and him and I were doing skin on skin, while Ben unloaded that car. He then joined us on the bed for our first of many family moments.  We layed with him till our friend’s got home and our first visitors arrived a few hours later. I couldn't stop starring at him, smelling him and kissing him. Ben and I were addicted. Our guests would hold him and I would die inside waiting to get my hands back on him. God is good to us. 

The first night was the most beautiful night home ever. He slept every 2-3 hours and wanted to eat and be changed and fall back asleep. It took us a bit to get him situated in his bassinet as I preferred to just hold him.  Ben was great too. He was a bit nervous to pat his back to burp him and was trying to get an idea on the most comfortable way to hold him. We took lots of pictures.

  

That morning Ben had to work then planned on spending time at our home to work on the water issue. I on the otherhand I had all day with the little guy. Pax slept in his bassinet near the window because he was a little jaundice on his little baby nose and fingers. I couldn't get enough. Pax would lay next to me as I would take picture after picture and listening to worship music on our computer. God was present and more than evident to me. I would send pictures to Ben upon is consistent requests. My heart went out to him. He was working so hard and away from his babes. 

At about 4 in the afternoon I finally heard back from Lesa. I had been texting and sending her pictures all day and sending her scriptures and my prayers for her. She was hurting but assured me it was what she wanted. The mommy in me wanted to comfort her - but the Lord wanted to do that. He wanted to restore her. So I sent my love and let her know I was available to talk whenever she needed. 

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion.." - Phillippians 2:1

Ben couldn't of got home fast enough - he wanted his hands on that baby so bad. I remember falling even more in love with him as he held his baby in such pride and gratefulness. He wanted the whole evening with him in his arms and me next to him. 

We were a family. 

"Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life." -Proverbs 22:4

God was Good. But it came with a cost. Jesus paid it years ago - and Lesa followed behind - humbling herself and carrying her cross. Her obedience blessed a couple, as well as a son - who was given to a woman ready to have a baby and a father who was desperate to love a son. She made the decision to deny herself because of her love for her Father and for her son. I'm forever grateful and indebted.

"I served the Lord with great humility and with tears and in the midst of severe testing.." - Acts 20:19

The Ward Family est. 2/14/2011

"The Promise's Cost and it's Spiritual Reality" -Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take --

Waiting.

Anticipating getting to hold Paxton.

To Hold his tiny fingers, to kiss his tiny nose, to tickle his tiny feet that felt much more than tiny when he had been kicking me.

Medication or not, I was still aching with pain... The IV in my arm making it hard to get comfortable... That and the fact that everything below my waste felt like a million fire ants had just run rampant stinging every inch of where ants should never go.

More than that though, my mind was racing with grim thoughts.

Here I was, in a hospital bed... Awaiting a baby. A baby that was born to me. A baby that I never expected in a million years to be having. A baby that needed more than I could give him.

Negativity settled in, and it was anything but a stranger.

What if he didn't like me? What if he senses that I am going to leave him? What if he looks at me with his innocence and see's impurity? what if I fall even more in love with him and can't let him go?

After a brief moment of skepticism, I sought out my fond affections that I tried my hardest to hold true too.

This was a miracle... Everything about the circumstance was God Breathed.

I began to relax... Jamie poked her head in my room a couple of times to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. I appreciated her concern and her devoted kindness.

Nurses came in and out of my room, while Paxton was snug in Ben and Jamie's... Then, before I knew it... Paxton was in my room... In his little cart... Squirming and looking around. The nurse put him into my arms... And for the first time, I gratefully embraced him with a tender kiss and felt the inseparable bond between mother and son.

A love like no other. A love I wanted to share. So I had visitors in and out of my room whenever Paxton was there.. It was bitter sweet. I loved having visitors, but I couldn't help but to want all the moments with Paxton for myself.

A selfish attitude crept in and clenched tightly to my heart... I knew I only had a small amount of time with Paxton and internally, I had a hard time letting anyone hold him... Thinking it would rob me of my time with him... I wanted every second. I smiled with my lips, but felt the pain of immense sorrow.

" I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NLT

I didn't want to fall asleep, but my eyes were so heavy. I would have to swallow my fear... close my eyes and simply drift off...

Jan 13th-- As soon as i woke up I knew The day would be full of visitors! Many of my friends and a few Family members came to see me and meet baby Paxton. A few sent flowers and even though they couldn't be there, I could feel their loving support.

The day soon came to a close, Susan was the last one left by my side.. Softly tickling little Paxton's feet. I was getting so tired but I knew Pax was going to get to stay the night in my room with me! I willed myself to stay awake, no matter what.. I would fight for the time I got to have with him alone.

Susan said her goodbyes, and was worried about me being by myself... But I had wanted everyone to go home and get some sleep--especially my mom who had been there all day... And had no where to sleep... I understood that they should just go home and sleep in their own beds-- I would be fine... Or so I thought.

I was finally alone. Alone with Pax. I picked him up and laid down in my hospital bed. I put him in the middle of my legs, knees bent so his face would be looking at me. I held his hands and stared, mesmerized.

I grabbed my phone and began taking pictures of him. Every move he made I wanted to document. Every hand motion, every sleeping face, every leg kick... I wanted frozen in time.

I picked him up and put his head on my shoulder and held him tight. Having this moment, alone with him... Just listening to him breathe... Making his little baby coos as he slept... I began to cry.

"Those who plant in tears

will harvest with shouts of joy." Psalm 126:5 NLT

I started singing softly to him, in prayer and in praise... Asking God to watch over him... Asking Pax to not forget me if I didn't get to see him often... Asking for guidance and peace for both Paxton, his new family, and I.

A rocking chair looked at me from the corner of the room. I stood up and held Paxton tightly, rubbing his back... We made our way to the rocking chair. Sitting, rocking, a feeling began to fill the room... Not any ordinary feeling. It was an uneasy, unhappy, fearful feeling.

"But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." 2 Thessalonians 3:3 NLT

I sat Paxton on my lap.. And he was looking at me.. Wide eyed. I looked back at him.. And this fear washed over me. Paxton scared me.. He was looking so much deeper into my eyes than I have ever experienced... But then, I heard something.. Behind the curtain that hid the bathroom.

Was this the medication? Why was I so scared? Why was the silence so loud? What are the voices filling this room?

Feeling like a crazy person and as if I was ruining the only night I would spend with Paxton, I shakily grabbed the curtains and slung them back. No one. Nothing was there. I was losing it.  A dark presence was there... It was threatening Paxton and I.

Scared and alone, I crawled back into my bed and tried to play a little music to calm my nerves. Cradling Pax, I began to feel so tired again. I needed Jamie... The presence wasn't leaving and I could not fight it.. I felt so unprotected.

It was then that a knock shot me straight up and I became wide eyed. It made me jump, but when I saw who it was... I was relieved. It was Jamie. I wanted her to stay with me. I wanted her to hold Paxton. I knew that since she was there... It was safe for me to do the very thing I was refusing to do... Sleep.

Waking up momentarily, I saw Jamie Holding Paxton in the large Chair across from my bed. I felt as though he was safe in her arms.

Light radiated from them as they bonded, and the darkness that I had felt vanished.

"People sitting out their lives in the dark saw a huge light; Sitting in that dark, dark country of death, they watched the sun come up." Matthew 4:16 MSG

I fell asleep, sound asleep... After I couldn't fight it anymore... Knowing that in the morning I would be saying my tear filled goodbyes to my saving grace.

"And they will pray for you with deep affection because of the overflowing grace God has given to you." 2 Corinthians 9:14 MSG

God gives grace to those who have received and accepted his sacrifice... The sacrifice of his Son Jesus. In acceptance, we can embrace grace and give sacrifices of our own, just as He did for us.

"The Promise's Cost and it's Spiritual Reality" - Jamie's Take

Our son was born. Yet he had two mothers. The reality of adoption was becoming so real. 

I was unsure how Lesa was doing and was told by the nurse that she was resting. Paxton was born at 7:58 at night and was brought to our room throughout the night and early morning to be feed. He had many visitors from our church family and one of my girlfriends that worked at the hospital stopped to see the little miracle. The next morning, Paxton’s first morning was going to be with Lesa, until then (minus his vitals in the nursery) Ben and I were going to have him. 

I did not carry him in my womb but he was undeniably mine. My love for him was unreal. The fear that we wouldn't connect vanished the very moment I held him and kissed his little head. He was my son given from the Lord. 

At nine in the morning he was taken to Lesa. As I heard the baby nursery crib being wheeled into her room and not mine my heart sank. I was devastated. I had spent the whole night with him and was in love. His nearness to me was supernatural. God's presence was in our room. I felt the piece that was missing - filled - overflowing. Now she would have him for the next few days - as we agreed - as we wanted, for her.  

But I feared. 

I feared he was going to forget me and be drawn to her. The one who loved him and nourished him for months. The one who was familiar. 

And I feared more. 

She carried him for nine months and she was gonna fall even more in love and she's gonna change her mind. 

The whole night we had him, it was as if all my worries and fears, now that he was here, had arrived. I kept telling Ben faithlessly  - "She is gonna change her mind, you saw him, he's perfect - she isn't going to want to give him to us." 

Ben was tender and comforting. We were at our most humble. We were undeniably broken. 

I kept thinking I must of felt like Abraham. He was given his heir, Isaac, finally after years. And then God asked him to sacrifice him. 

I had to remember the Word said, “Early the next morning, Abraham set out...”-Genesis 22:3

He was prompt and complete in his obedience. 

He bound his son - the one he loved and prepared to kill him - to honor God’s request. 

But in Abraham’s full obedience, right before he strikes Isaac, God stops him. In Abraham’s obedience, God was honored. God honored Abraham’s faith with a ram. God gave Abraham something else to sacrifice. 

He goes on to say in verse 17 and 18, “This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed—all because you have obeyed me.”(see full story in Genesis 22:1-18)

I wanted to honor God. He was my reward, not Pax. I realigned my focus and my faith and I put my trust in the Almighty. 

We were able to see him a bit the next few days and had family visit. My parents were in love. Ben's close relatives that lived in town visited and got to meet him briefly. We did not want to over step and take Lesa's time with him. 

I was able to spend time with Lesa. I just wanted to hang out with her - but I didn't want her to think I was coming to just oversee her time with Pax. I genuinely wanted to see her. We also got our online gift in the mail - a necklace with a brass shoe and a blue pearl and a "C" for Charlie engraved on a small medallion. Lesa had set her mind and connection with him - as baby Charlie. 

As much as I wanted to see her and make sure she was okay - I wanted to hold and be with Pax more. It was different now. The Promise had come. It was no longer about Lesa or us - it was about him. 

I just remember I never left the hospital. I didn't want to miss any chance to see Pax or any news of him and his 'check-ups'. The first morning our Pediatrician that we picked got to see him and was so incredible with our needs, as his soon to be full-time parents. He let us know Pax was healthy and really strong. He actually lifted his head up the first morning of life while on his belly when getting checked. We were so proud. At the same time we were so nervous and emotional. I would find myself crying, in gratefulness but also in wakes of fear and in impatience. I just wanted to bond with him. I also cried at the thought of what I was doing - I was taking a baby from a woman.  

More than all the details of the next few days - what I remember most was spiritual heaviness that was happening. I KNEW Pax was God's gift to us. I had to remain faithful that Lesa would stay faithful and obedient in giving us Paxton. The first night in the hospital there was some serious spiritual stuff going on. Ben and I could feel it. As much as I felt the Lord's presence - we both felt a battle. We knew God had something huge in store for this little baby. Ben and I didn't doubt it...nor do I think the enemy was oblivious to it. 

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." -Ephesians 6:10-12

I believe in demons. I believe in the Devil. I believe he doesn't desire goodness and for us to have hope. He is a liar and a cheat. Jesus came to set things straight. He died for us to have POWER of everything the enemy throws our way. Jesus went as radical as death because of the reality of spiritual warfare. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10

I say all that to share and document the next few paragraphs. 

Ben and I were spurred to pray many times throughout the day. For Paxton, for Lesa, for the adoption but also for Paxton's life - what God was calling him to do. We saught God on direction, guidance and wisdom on how to raise him up. A battle was raging and all we could find ourselves doing was pray. As we waited, while Lesa got her time with him, we prepared ourselves in prayer. 

And we weren’t off from our senses. A very real battle happened.

The second night in the hospital, the plans were made, baby Paxton would stay with Lesa. I was broken. I yearned for him. She would have visitors - they would hold my baby and share in his first days of life and we didn't know them.  We would hear him cry and I would weep. Ben would hold me close and we'd snuggle on the hospital bed in our room. 

We were able to give Paxton good night kisses and tell Lesa sweet dreams and we went in our room, shut the door and snuggled on the bed - that was really intended for one. We eventually fell asleep. We were restless. I was waking up often - sweating and crying and praying. Something wasn't right. I fell back asleep only to be woken up by Ben saying, 

"Jamie, Jamie...go check on Lesa and Pax. Go into her room." 

He was serious. This was real. This was urgent. 

We could feel it. There was something spiritually happening in her room. 

I knocked on her door and peeked in with her "come in"...She was on her bed, sitting erect and alert. She looked exhausted. She was holding Pax closely. Some thing was in her room. I knew she hadn't slept since the night before. By her very appearance, she was very much aware of what I was feeling. But I didn't know where she stood with the reality of spiritual warfare and such.  

At this moment, it became clear to me why the Lord had called me to fast. I mumbled prayers under my breath as I sat down in her rocker. It was warm - she had been here recently. I peered at her and we talked for a moment. She began to relax. She showed me pictures of her and pax and was messing with her computer. I prayed lightly. Whatever was in here was moving. I rebuked it..then... it was like... the room got silent...even though it sort of was..Pax asleep and Lesa on her computer and phone..and I on the rocker. I can't explain it but it was loud, uneasy and "busy"..then it all went away. 

I looked at Lesa as she was blasting worship music from her gadget. She set her computer up near the sink and continued to hold Pax. I asked her if she needed anything. She just wanted me to stay. So I stayed. She relaxed in her bed and laid her head back. Still holding Pax she asked me how we were. I began to tell her - when she dozed off. I kind of giggled because it was instant. She was exhausted. I said "Lesa" a few times loudly as I got up and walked towards the bed - then making sure Pax was okay - I prayed. I touched her hand and her shoulder and I prayed. Outloud, I prayed. I sat back down and just watched her and him sleep. A few moments later Pax began to cry. I waited to see if Lesa would wake up. She never moved yet he continued to cry harder. She obviously was exhausted. So I took Pax from her chest and changed him. I was unsure when he had ate last but from his serious sucking gestures I made the decision to feed him. 

Lesa woke up when the nurse came in to check on her. We chatted a moment and she dozed back to sleep. I stayed in the rocker just holding him. It was the first time I was able to have a moment alone with him without visitors since our first night. 

"And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." - Exodus 33:19

It was about five in the morning at this time and my best friend, April, was working in the hospital. I walked Pax to our room and April was able to snuggle him a bit. I left Lesa and my door open in hopes that if I hear her wake up I can bring him back in. I felt guilty having him in our room so at about 6 or 7 I put him back with her and headed to the cafeteria with April to eat. I had the worst migraine and hadn't left the maternity floor since Pax's birth but I needed to get away and just process. April was so timely and in this moment I was reminded why I loved her so much. She didn't do anything extraordinary - she merely stayed with me and talked. She rubbed my back and fed me pain medicine. I was an emotional basket case and she was unfazed, encouraging and nurturing. 

I headed back to the room. The day had started. I needed a nap...so I napped..in hopes that when I woke - we would be given our discharge papers.