"...if this is her...who carries him.." -Lesa"s & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

...  Three days of thinking about the family that had stirred my spirit... three days of decision making without even meeting them or hearing from them.

 The first day--Jan 19th, I knew up and down they were the ones.

The second day-- Jan. 20th,  I met with the Woman from the Agency. I told her I planned on having a private adoption--out of faith--I had no idea if this family was truly the one and by telling the Woman this--I was giving up my option of going through the Agency... I already knew somehow that I wouldn't need the agency's help anymore and I didn't want her waiting on me. When I told her, she reacted like I was making a huge mistake and that I was not going to find anyone better than the families she had shown me. She walked away very upset with me. It made me so anxious.

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the holy spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

 The day of Jan 22nd I knew God wasn't going to let me fall. He knew I was STEPPING out in faith, and HE would direct each STEP as long as I kept moving.

 .........     

I heard, from Heather telling my mother, that Jamie had written a blog to me. I couldn't wait to read it! I sat down and looked at the words that had been typed and as I was reading I felt the spirit all around me. I read the blog post at least 7 times and then looked at my Mom.

"Mom, call them! I want to meet them! I know she is perfect." 

So, My mom got their number from Heather and then called.

As I sat next to her while she was on the phone, I had no idea what they were saying. I could just HEAR my mom talking, but I couldn't make out the words. I just saw her mouth moving and I felt like the room was in slow motion. I anticipated meeting them. I thought... let's just go to Panera Bread? Can they meet today? Can they meet right now!? Is this them?! 

GOD IS THIS THEM!??!  

My mom hung up the phone. She said we were going to meet them tomorrow (Jan 22). She then told me her name was Jamie Ward and his name was Benjamin Ward... They had facebooks! 

"For in this Hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is Not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?" Romans 8:24

The first impression I got was from a blog... It didn't have a face, it had an emotion behind it. The emotion of a greater love... A love that surpassed human understanding. I could FEEL it.... and when I saw her facebook picture... I could SEE it. It was in her eyes. Compassion, Love, Joy, and an overwhelming amount of happiness seemed to spring from the eyes I was looking into-- and not just in her picture, but also in Bens. 

I looked through all their pictures and through their comments. They loved each other. They loved their friends and families. And in my mind, they already loved my baby boy.

A blessing, an amazing blessing, that didn't seem to make sense until this moment. I felt like I had been marching around the walls of Jericho without seeing the purpose, feeling useless but continuing in faith. I could tell the walls were about to crash down. 

Trying to sleep that night--impossible... and not just because of the huge belly, but because I knew I was going to meet the family that was going to be taking care of Charlie. I looked at my belly and began to talk to him. 

"Charlie, tomorrow we are going to meet your new mom and dad. They are going to love you so much and I can already tell you are going to be spoiled. Your lucky, you are going to know Jesus. You won't have to go through what I did. You are going to have a mom AND a dad. Baby boy, I wouldn't allow you to grow up without a Dad. You need him.. He's going to play sports with you. I know you like to kick...maybe you guys can play soccer together. But Charlie, know this... I love you and I will always love you and even if I don't get to see you. I hope you remember my voice. I hope you remember that I am doing this because I love you."

He quit wiggling and I felt as though he heard me. Peaceful, I wondered if it was because he knew... he knew that he would be okay and I knew that God was holding him, comforting him, and through the small soul living inside me, he comforted me. 

"You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing.... behold, this we have searched out; it is ture. HEAR and know it for your good." Job 5:24-27

True Faith cannot see how the landing will occur... it simply leaps on the conviction that it WILL occur. Are you willing to Jump even when you can't see what your going to land on? 

You see that FAITH was active along with his works, and FAITH was COMPLETED by his works. James 2:22

"...if this is her...who carries him.." - Jamie's Take

We had to hear from her. I had to know. The evening of January 19th - I was teaching Kid’s Church and Ben was teaching in Youth. I had my phone on LOUD..Heather walks in during the middle of service, only to tell me that she probably wouldn’t be calling us tonight because she had to work and doesn’t get off till late and she would in the next couple days. She also let me know that Lesa was considering going through an adoption agency. I was unconcerned...who was this person I was becoming? I was given an obstacle and it didn’t phase me. I knew God had this woman bear this child for me. I was however extremely bummed she wasn’t gonna call until she wanted. I need a time, something from her to cling to. 

So we waited. Ben, the unshakeable, as I’d like to call him, invested no emotion until he had more facts. He kept me grounded. He was excited but needed more to stand on before considering opening his heart to it. I, on the other hand, already registered and finding myself visiting Target just to walk around their baby section, leaving with small items, multiple times a day. I was nuts! But at the exact same time I knew that sweet baby boy was mine, though not growing in my stomach, he was growing in my heart. 

I just wanted her call - I just wanted to tell her I already loved her, her - not just him, but her too. I wanted her in my life. I wanted to hear her voice, the one giving my son life. The feeling was unreal and the only one who knew how I felt was Ben. I didn’t want anyone else to think I was insane. Knowing this now, it makes so much sense why it isn’t hard for Ben and I to have her in our lives, attend the same church and just hang for coffee without our son. I wanted to just know she was okay. 

I had to do something! I didn’t know if she had seen our facebook pages yet but still everyday, every hour I would look at us as if I was looking through her eyes. I’d jump with joy when I’d find a picture with me or Ben and one of our family’s or friend’s baby, surely she saw those..hopefully she sees those. I was so critical of us. I wanted to change my profile picture a million times, replacing it with a picture of me and my friend’s baby who was dressed up like a giraffe, but I withstood the temptation. 

Then I thought..I have a blog..it doesn’t have very many entries, however it’s something. Not everyone will see it and it can just be to her. I still had to be vague. That was my solution...so I wrote.

My blog entry from January 21st

“if this is her...who carries him... 

...i'm speechless..which if you know me...is a trait i often rarely possess

    you have to be confused. i commend your desire to give him safety and peace. i admire your heart for wanting more for your son...desiring greatness for him...security, love, soundness....

i can't sit by and wonder if you will chose me...my heart races wondering what you think of me as you look at my husband and my pictures...

..i'll open my heart and take this risk because i know i can be IT for him. my husband and i we love greatly and are loved greatly...your baby boy would be connected to that love. i'm eccentric and ben is always logical, i'm creative and ben's a peace maker, we're lively and energetic, we have a million people who support us... there's so much of who we are that i wouldn't mind being challenged by asking with.

...i cant carry him or anyone for that matter...but we want... and we desire to love big...and to have lots to love in the future..

i'm trying to be vague..and i don't want to scare you away. but this risk is worth it to me. many aren't willing to risk love for fear that their heart will be broken in the process...its worth it for me... to risk..to go out on a limb..”

I reread it a thousand and one times, and Ben proofed it for me. We looked at each other, we smiled, with tears in our eyes and I did it, I pressed ‘upload’. I then told Heather she could tell Lesa I had written solely to her and she was welcomed to read at her convenience. 

I went to bed, exhausted. I slept so good, thankful, I had a full day at work waiting for me. I woke up, even more thankful that my busy day would keep my mind off of the yearning (even just to relieve a bit) and my eyes off my phone. 

I was so busy I needed an assistant, relieved that I would have extra hands in case my phone, in my back pocket went off. I began to blow dry my last client with the help of my assistant, when the phone began to vibrate. My heart skipped a beat, the kind where you get cold really fast then warm in your cheeks. I slipped away, not caring if I was unnoticed or not. It was a number I did not have saved in my phone. The first room I got to was the breakroom, where girls I worked with were joking and hanging out, in a hurry to not let it go to voicemail I answered the phone. It was Lesa’s mother. Oh my gosh it was Lesa’s mother! With one hand holding my phone to one ear and one hand covering my other, for unbeknownst to me, I’m deaf in that ear. I listened. Lesa’s mother explained who she was and that her and Lesa would like to meet us. Asking where and when we could meet, I threw out some suggestions. I could hear HER, Lesa, talking to her mother..I couldn’t breathe..I started to tear up. Forgetting where I was I realized the room had become silent and my coworkers looked concerned. My concern was with Lesa, not with my current perception. I held it together long enough to get a date, time and place. Tomorrow, after church at Panera Bread. I thanked her... (I have no idea why) and said goodbye. 

I had to process this alone, however I had some explaining to do - as the apparent concern could not be left without some justification. I briefly shared and as I got deer in head light looks, I decided I would stop while I was ahead and head to the bathroom to process. 

As I shut the bathroom door behind me I slumped to the floor and wept like a baby. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was so grateful. All I remember saying is “God you are so ridiculously good..” I believed Him, I saw Him differently. He was for me. I was changed and I hadn’t even held my promise yet. I possessed an incredible HOPE. 

“We can rejoice,when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our CONFIDENT HOPE of salvation...AND THIS HOPE will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5 

“We were given this hope when we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?” Romans 8:24

Gathering my bearings I called Ben, then went to finish my last client. That evening we went to our friend’s house. I didn’t eat, I was determined to see my fast through. I drank water, and prayed like a mad woman in my head, while appearing sane and naturally excited on the outside. 

All I knew was I had a son, growing in a woman I loved dearly, both strangers, but so familiar to me at the same time. God was doing something miraculous. And I was privileged to be apart of it. 

“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 5:9

True faith is being able to believe wholeheartedly without the ability to see how everything will turn out..it simply leaps with the belief that something good WILL occur. Are you willing to jump without seeing and reviewing your flight plans or landing zone? 

"Hope Finds A Way" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take --

After Deciding that abortion was not an option, I began to look at what my life would be like if I kept Charlie. Things would be way different. I wasn't in school and I had a very unsteady, minimum wage job.  How would I provide for his future?

Making lists upon lists about pro's and con's in keeping vs. giving up baby Charlie was all I could do. I felt like a crazy person. I was at war with The Decision--The Decision that wasn't just going to affect my life, but many others. How was I suppose to hold someone's destiny in my hands?! How was I suppose to decide the outcome when the person I was deciding for couldn't even have a say in it!

Confused, lost, hopeful but hopeless--WHAT WAS I?! Was this God giving me a chance to have some responsibility to get my life back on track? Was this baby my new motivation? What was I suppose to do with this gift I believe he gave me to help me get out of the pit?

So many thoughts.... I knew I couldn't hear GOD because I couldn't stop thinking!!!

"Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts." - Psalms 139:23

Then... there was a moment, a moment of clarity when I was driving in my car. I was on my way to see my little brother at swim practice. I just looked straight out my windshield at the sky in front of me and instead of thinking anymore I said, "GOD, Do you want me to keep him... Am I suppose to hold on to my little boy? Am I suppose to have him?" Nothing, no answer. 

AGAIN...with a clear mind, feeling a little discouraged and asking another simple question I say, "Okay GOD, Do you want me to give him up for Adoption? Am I suppose to give him away?" All the sudden, this feeling just churned in my stomach. I felt moved. 

The answer....was unexpected. It was not the answer I wanted to hear..  I wanted God to say--yes, he is your baby. You can keep him, we will make a way for that to happen. But instead he gave me an answer that didn't make sense to me...an answer that I didn't think I was ready for... but the movement... I couldn't deny it. 

So, I made the decision to give the baby up for adoption? I felt back at square one.... I had no idea where to begin.

I remembered the Lady that saved me from the pit and how she wanted to adopt. I had spoken to her about it before, but when I told her that I might want to keep him--because I wanted to be completely transparent--she got mad at me. On a seperate occassion, when I told her that I wasn't sure If I wanted her to be the mother of my baby, and that I was considering other options... Her response was, "Good luck, you're not going to find anyone better." Then she walked out on me at a lunch, and that option was Gone. I realized how much I hurt her. I didn't know how I was going to go through that again with another couple. What if I decided to give him up and then let another couple down? I was scared and didn't want to hurt anyone else, but I knew he HAD to be given up. Would I let my flesh or my spirit win? It was hard to say.  I needed some help, I needed some advice from someone who knew more about this than me.

 I went back to the pregnancy care center. They gave me a bunch of pamphlets on adoption agencies and applauded my choice. However, I was still grieving the answer... I saw the faces on each pamphlet displaying happiness... of people that were blessed with a child. I could see their smiles and their readiness. I wanted to be them.  I wanted to be ready...  

That night I looked through the pamphlets and did some "google" researches. The one that stuck out the most was an agency that was a Christian based and reminded me of baby Moses.  Baby Moses at this point, was my inspiration. His mother had given him up and he became a Great Man. It motivated me to keep walking and trusting.

So I decided on the agency and gave them a cal, from the agency, a call. On Jan. 15th, I met with a Woman at Panera Bread for lunch and started to talk baby logistics. I told her my due date, my background, and my situation. She knew that it was urgent for me to get with a family, she also told me that because the biological father was a felon, I would NEVER be able to see my son, it would have to be a closed adoption. It didn't feel right, but what other option did I have? He was going to be born in less than a month!  So we began doing paperwork. As we were doing paperwork she was telling me of all the families she knew would want to adopt a newborn baby. I tried to keep a smile on my face, but my soul was hurting. Before I left Panera, she gave me a bundle that was full of family profiles. I had to choose one by the end of the week. They had to have time to prepare for a baby to be in their home.

I thanked her for all her help and her time and I told her I would let her know my decision by the end of the week. I went home and put the folders by my bed so I could go through them that night. I put it off. 

As the day came to an end, I kept staring at the bundle--overwhelmed with what I was having to do. I was scared to see the families. I was scared to see the faces because I knew I couldn't choose them all.

Overcoming my fear, I picked up the first folder. I read all about how the family couldn't have children and that the mother was a teacher and the father was a pastor. They loved children. Then I read 20 more profiles that were similar to the first. Different faces, different occupations, different religions, different relationships, but all of them had one thing in common--the need to love a child.

I put them all away. I couldn't stand to look at them anymore.  I began sobbing. My soul was aching. What was this feeling??! Then I began to think about how there were so many orphans. So many babies that didn't have a home and so many families here in front of me that were yearning to complete their family! I couldn't stop these uncontrollable sobs that were emerging from the depths of my heart. This grief that was swallowing me whole.

"That I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart." Romans 9:2

The week week went one then one evening I did the only thing I knew how to at this moment. I buried my face and I began to pray. "God, all these orphans, all these mothers and families. Why God can't they find each other? This isn't fair. I am carrying a baby.. a baby if given the opportunity I could provide for if I HAD to... How can I give up a baby when so many already need homes?! Would this baby be stealing a home that was made for another? God, there are babies sleeping in dirt and here I hold in my hands families that have loving homes--families that are ready for those babies. ITS NOT FAIR GOD, ITS JUST NOT FAIR."

I cried myself to sleep.

Jan 19th--I woke up in the morning feeling defeated. How was I suppose to choose out of so many families. I didn't want to never be able to see him... I became angry. Angry at God for letting this happen. He told me to give up my baby, but he knew I wouldn't be able to if I couldn't see him. I didn't understand why GOD would want that.

Again, I got on my face and prayed. Then I heard the garage door and my mom came in. I wiped the tears from my defeated face and pretended I was okay. My mom asked if I was okay, I knew she could tell I wasn't. I told her about the families. I stopped acknowledging that she had this glow on her face. I asked her what happened.

She said that her friend Heather had told her about a family. A family that was ready to adopt. She said that it was so crazy how it happened because she didn't tell Heather directly, but someone had over heard her talking and then that someone told Heather who told this family.

I felt my heart pound as It received a jolt of excitement. I could feel the presence of GOD again like I did in the car when I asked my question. I knew right away, we had to meet them.

....Emotions high, but still in Jesus.. stirring for hopeful things and desiring for everything to be alright. God always gives us a Journey that makes us sensitive to injustice. Adoption--a huge part of our lives--a huge injustice that speaks through us. What have you seen that you desire to remove from the world? What injustice do you deeply desire to bring into the light and shine Justice on?

"Do not pervert justice or show partiality. Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the innocent. 20 Follow justice and justice alone, so that you may live and possess the land the LORD your God is giving you." - Deuteronomy 16:19-20

"Hope Finds A Way" - Jamie's Take

Wednesday - January 19th.

Ben and I woke up early for church staff meeting. I remember taking a moment before getting ready and for some reason looking around our tiny bathroom and into the hall and thinking 'I am so blessed..I am content..thank you Jesus, you have been so incredible to me. If it is just Ben and I for the rest of our lives - I will love you still.' 

In the midst of getting ready we didn’t hear our phones apparently ring several times. I snagged my phone right before leaving to find we both had several missed calls from our pastors and a dear friend of ours. As I was checking the missed calls page on my phone my pastor called again to tell me my friend, Heather, was trying to get ahold of me and I needed to call her. 

Okay...? I thought. 

I made the call, fairly certain it didn't ring and I hear Heather on the other end panting..

"Jamie, why don't you answer your phone"

..."I'm sorry girl, what's up?"

"Well, how would you feel about adopting a baby boy who is due in February?"

"What?".

"There's this woman at my work, who's daughter is pregnant and due around Valentine's...a little boy!"

“A boy"

"Yes"

“Um, well...We would more than love that."

"Okay! So it's okay that I already told the woman you were interested?"

I chuckle. "Of course. Yes, it is more than okay. Wow. A baby. A baby boy."

“ Jamie, I feel good about this. Jamie, this could be God's answer."....

After finishing our call with anxious good-byes. 

From that point everything was in slow motion. I walked to Ben as he was finishing up his morning routine. I look at him and he looks at me.

"Ben, were gonna get a baby boy."

He kind of smiled and went on with what he was doing. He had heard the conversation on speaker but this was my Ben. Unmovable. He’ll embrace it when it comes, otherwise no other emotion is invested. 

 But I said it as if I knew. It's as if I knew, that I knew, that I knew that this little boy was mine. I already loved him, I already wanted him, I already needed him with me.

We headed to church, and I was not phased by anything but baby boy. We were asked about the mornings details and then moved toward staff meeting. Of course my mind was else where. Before lunch I had fully registered at some retail stores. During lunch Ben, our friend Kari and I were talking names and the scenarios. Ben and Kari had to, as any good friends should, talk me back down to reality. But I just knew - this boy was mine. 

Back at church I couldn't think. Was this God 'giving' me a baby? It is. I know it is.

I kept in contact with Heather throughout the day, as she asked questions to relay and to see if the birth mom, this Lesa, could look at my facebook page. 

YES! Look at whatever and PICK US!

I searched for her too. Starring at her picture she took of herself and her baby belly.  I loved her. It was unreal. I loved her and I loved him. Within 6 hours I had welcomed in my heart of hearts two people. 

Two people. 

I would go through our facebook photos with a fine tooth comb, thinking 'what is she thinking about us in this one or that one'...And I would look at her pictures and wonder her story. 

Heather also had told me the whole story, about how her friend, Danelle overheard Lesa’s mother mention she really needed to take off for the day to help her daughter find a family for her baby, then Danelle immediately thought of us, too shy herself - got a hold of Heather who would talk to Lesa’s mother. Talk about divine appointment.

I prayed like Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:10..in my anguish and from the root of my being I yearned for this...God's promise to me...to give me my heart's desire..to give us a child. I decided this day to fast till this baby boy, my son, was born. 

Search me, God, and know my heart; 

   test me and know my anxious thoughts. - Psalms 139:23

I can do this. This faith, that I had no idea where it was coming from, was in me.  I just knew, even with such a small phone call, that this was the start of something that would be reality. I seriously knew, that I knew, that I knew. All of me wanted to be able to tell my son one day, that when we heard about his coming - we knew and believed he was made perfectly for us. I never wavered..(which was not like me at all).

Through all of it, I felt a special kind of grace for the Lord, that's when I knew that I knew.

I can confidently say I believed the whole time. 

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13

Emotions high, but still in Jesus. Stirring for hopeful things. I didn't sleep for days. Wondering what she thought and when she would call us herself. God always gives us a journey that prepares us for 'such times as these.’ Allowing us to see a specific injustice. Adoption - connecting a life with hearts that yearned for it. Adoption - it has always been a priority to us. Ben always thought it would be after we had children of our own but looking back ( and being reminded by him) when we were dating I told him I felt like God would call us to adopt before we ever had children biologically. God is crazy. It's insane to think about all God brought us through to prepare us. All the things we said that came from our heart of hearts, that were really from His heart, and that were now becoming a reality. 

What has been your journey? What is the injustice you see that you want to make right? 

"Do not pervert justice or show partiality. Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the innocent. Follow justice and justice alone, so that you may live and possess the land the LORD your God is giving you." - Deuteronomy 16:19-20

"LABORday Weekend" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

Labor day weekend-- After going home with this woman that rescued me from the pit... I felt so alone. It was the early morning of September 2nd... The early morning after leaving where I thought I was suppose to stay and perish... It was the morning something was different.

I felt a feeling I had never imagined I would ever feel. I felt acceptance. But who was giving this to me? I was in the room alone. Then, without understanding, I got on my knees. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I began to ask what this feeling was.... I got my answer.

God came to me. He told me that I was going to be okay. HE told me that he had been there the whole time. He told Me I wasn't abandoned, that I was ready. I sobbed. The shame was so great. Who had I become? Why didn't I see how awful I was being?  Where was God when I needed him most--for most of my life-- I didn't believe he existed. I denied him.... but there on my knees.... I accepted acceptance and received a new life.

I stayed up all night praying... I didn't want this overpowering feeling to leave. I saw myself for what I was and I prayed for God to take care of my baby! It was hard for me to accept his gift because of how undeserving I was--But I knew my baby deserved to feel this love that was in the room with me. I couldn't take him away from it. At this moment, I knew God put this Heart--this willing heart-- in my stomach to soften the hardened one in my chest.

"HE will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea." Micah 7:19

After labor day weekend, I left her house. I felt as if I had to take action and do something, but it needed to be different than what I normally always did...So, I went home.

I couldn't tell my mom I was pregnant--not after I had been away from home for so long--so I sat in the living room while she was in her room... and I texted her the news. I was so ashamed. She came out to the living room--disappointed. She was much more calm than I expected. She told me that I needed to give him up for adoption, because when I texted her I said I was going to abort the baby and I needed her help to do it. She quickly said NO, abortion was not an option. But what choice did I have?

I felt as if I had to talk to the father....  I didn't want my Mom to think I was running away again, but I couldn't tell her I was going to see him. I went to meet him at the hotel, but he wouldn't let me leave. I only wanted to tell him that I was thinking about adoption instead of abortion, but he told me that if I gave him up for adoption that he would fight it. He said I either had to kill him or keep him. I could sense in my soul--a deeper feeling--that keeping or killing the baby was wrong.

What I thought was going to be a good idea and a conversation quickly turned into a heated argument when the Woman called me and asked me where I was! I couldn't tell her because the father didn't want her to know. So she automatically thought we were doing drugs and told me to let her talk to the father. IT made things much worse. He said she was crazy, that she would NEVER have the baby. I could hear them yelling at each other. How did I get in this mess again?  I couldn't leave...not yet. I wanted to convince him to give the baby up... but after this phone call... It wasn't going to happen.

I wanted to let him settle down before I left because I didn't want things to get violent. So I stayed the night. My mother was livid when I got back home--asking me what I was thinking! I apologized and told her why I went to see him in the first place. She didn't understand. I told her I needed support, I had too many things fighting against what I believed to be right.

Amazingly, God planned something bigger than I thought. My Mom helped and took me to the Pregnancy Care Center. I got to Hear baby Charlies heartbeat for the first time, and see him on an ultrasound. At this point, I knew he was a miracle.  I knew God had big plans for him... HE saved me from the inside out.

At the end of the appointment, I got to meet with a mentor. She told me all my options; abort, keep, adopt.  I knew his heart was beating and that God had given him to me, so abortion was out of the question. I couldn't be a murderer... he was ALIVE. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but what if the family didn't love him? What if he was messed up because of the drugs I did?  Why did this unborn baby have to be caught in the middle of confusion?

"Because He did not kill me in the womb, so my mother would have been my grave, and her womb forever great." Jeremiah 20:17

HERE IS A POEM I WROTE ON SEPT. 19th:

An unborn child in a courageous soul.

A fight between two loves seeking control.

A judgmental woman and a Man on parole.

All mixed together in a belligerent bowl.

Armored with strength and armed with his word.

In a disposition to fight where she can’t be heard.

Bewilderment arises, as her pronunciation is slurred,

Only to be mocked by a Mocking bird.

Praying to God for a King solomon to be addressed

Desiring his Wisdom to prepare an invasive Test,

Allowing all pretences to be confessed.

Caught in destitution is an unborn child just needing to be blessed.

After going home from my appointment at Pregnancy Care Center, I sat down and cried... && as I cried... I cried out to GOD--the same GOD that I never knew was the same God that never gave up on wanting to know me.

In hopelessness we become desperate, But God has his plans positioned. We must be faithful to trust him. What is it your planning? Are you trying to force your plan to happen? Be patient, God's plan is better than anything we could do on our own.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"LABORday Weekend" - Jamie's Take

Labor Day Weekend 2010 - This weekend, every year, has always been a tradition in the Ward Family. The Ward Family Reunion, there in lies many memories. This year I was sure I was gonna have some 'exciting' news to share however that, again, was not the case. In fact I didn't want to go to this one to see the cousins 'expecting' and the sister-in-laws (plural) with their baby bumps and babies. I wanted a little baby chicken of my own - for me to get all wrapped up in. But that wasn't the case at all. 

Every year this time Ben and I attend church and then book it straight to the reunion an hour and a half away, only to hang for about an hour and munch on the rememance of what was lunch. Which, in actuality we’re totally fine with because the real party is at the lake house - where the close relatives hang out and enjoy each other. This year in particular I didn't feel like I had much to bring to the table as far as news was concerned. And as far as most of the family was concerned - I was disinterested in having babies (as it was my front..I'd much rather 'pretend' I wasn't ready for kids, than share the truth that we weren't able to)...

This labor day weekend and the following week began what I unknowing at the time (until Lesa and my journal research) set the stage for incredible things. This weekend is where Lesa and I can date back together as the “beginnings” of what God was up to. Though we know God’s character as one that orchestrates and knows our whole lives before we even are knit together in our mothers womb (Jeremiah 29:11). This discovery shaped me to believe, all the more, the WORDS of a righteous man prevails MUCH. 

It was Sunday, September 12th, 2010. Ben and I were in church and at the end of our Lead Pastor’s message, he asked us and some other families to come up to the front. He felt compelled to have the church pray over couples who were trying to get pregnant but couldn't seem to or couples who couldn't keep their babies longer than a few weeks. In the midst of wrapping up his prayer over all of us and speaking over us, he looked us square in the eye and spoke right to us -the Holy Spirit, through Pastor Chad, "God has heard you, He will be faithful to give you a baby, your promise will be fulfilled." Looking back now, I was never told I'd be pregnant I was told I would be given a baby.

In our research of sorts, Lesa and I realized a week after she was saved (Labor Day Weekend)and made the CHOICE to keep her baby and that adoption was the answer..Ben and I got our word...our promise.

Three days later we had youth service. During youth worship, I felt compelled to be on my knees before God. It was anointed. As I was,  I felt a hand touch my back and remain there for a few short moments. Once worship was over I headed back to my seat. As I was retrieving my notebook and bible, one of my dear mentors and fellow youth workers walked up to me and said, “As strange as it sounds. Take it for what it is. But I saw you with two children. They were different in age but I saw you with two. Do with it what you will.”

What she spoke didn’t seem foreign to. It actually felt natural and, well, right. 

From these moments on I sensed something brewing, its so incredibly hard to describe. Most of my journal entries reported my contentment. I could almost see how I was spiritually nesting, as if expectant. 

Which makes sense now when thinking about the day we would get the call..

The following months, my journal entries continued documenting an enlarging. There would be many a day when, as a human, I would be faithless but I felt it as more of a healthy frustration. 

During this season, Ben and I both felt like adoption was the direction God was taking us. At this point we attended an Adoption Class through a highly recommended agency and decided we would begin the official process of adopting.

 "For he did not kill me in the womb, 

   with my mother as my grave, 

   her womb enlarged forever." - Jeremiah 20:17 

With the idea of adopting a baby into our family slowly becoming a reality through paperwork. I felt the strong urge to all the more intensely work on my character. I wanted to make sure all my 'closets' were clean before welcoming a child in our home. In my alone time with God would find myself totally undeserving, thinking about all the stuff I had missed the mark on. But God remained. He stayed, even when I started confessing the bad stuff..like He didn't already know.

"You will again have compassion on us;

   you will tread our sins underfoot

   and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." - Micah 7:19

We would find ourselves a bit discouraged at the cost AND the time it would take AND all that would be required but we wanted it and like God, we remained.

In times of hopelessness we can become desperate, reaching for anything to satisfy. Abraham and Sarah were given a word "You will have a child, an heir." In their impatience and frustration they forced an heir to be born through Sarah's maid servant, but God has His plans positioned. 

Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." 

And Jeremiah 10:23 says, "LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps." 

We must be faithful to trust Him. What is it you're planning? 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE." - Jeremiah 29:11 (emphasis mine)

"In A Pickle" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

June 21, 2010

  After a long couple of nights of being kicked out of my boyfriends house and sleeping in my car, I went to the only place I knew I would be welcomed--rejection injected itself through my veins. I felt as if my heart had just been broken in two after my on-again-off-again boyfriend told me I was worth nothing and that I should just go hang out with the "sluts and drug dealers" I belonged with. Believing him-- I did exactly that.

I stayed in a place where I could bury my life in a bottomless amount of my earthly desire... My mind would slip away into a fictional world and nothing seemed to matter. Joy? Happiness? No, I was neither... But what I was.... was tired. Tired of moving... Tired of digging myself into a hole... and Tired of trying to dig myself back out.

It had been a while since I had eaten anything, but I realized I was gaining weight and having symptoms of my menstrual cycle without actually having it. I thought that the drugs and the malnutrition was causing my change in cycle... but the Man I was staying with had seen other girls who had gotten pregnant and he advised me to take a pregnancy test.

I thought nothing of it... until the results.  I just looked at him and said "I'm not mad, I actually don't care. I just have a problem that needs to be fixed."

There have been other girls around me that had gotten an abortion and didn't look or feel any different and they carried on their life like nothing had happened. I wanted that to be me! I asked The Man for answers... Where did I go? How much was it going to be?

But after a couple days of asking, he seemed uninterested. I felt completely alone. This wasn't fair. So blinded.. I looked up clinics, but had no support. Then... as I sat on the computer... looking at a clinic in St.louis... I got a phone call.

One of my Mom's friends was looking for me. She was persistent. She said she was sitting outside of the house I was staying at. We were all high on meth... and The Man was paranoid and said she was a cop and I had to leave because if I didn't there would be trouble.

I walked outside in an oversized men's t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of socks and got in the car. As we drove away from the house, I began to realize that...this was the first time in days that I had seen the sun.

"You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep." Psalm 88:6

"Nor height, Nor Depth, nor anything else in all Creation, will be able to seperate us from the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39

    When we are IN A PICKLE we look at our surroundings and look for comfort in familiarity. What we don't see completely is the CHOICE that is there--the choice of looking at the world for help OR looking to the Lord! What choice have you been making? Are you choosing the comfort of familiarity in the world or a new life through Adoption given to us by Christ Jesus?

"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for HELP and RELY on horses, who TRUST in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or CONSULT the Lord." Isaiah 31:1

"In a Pickle" - Jamie's Take 

June 21, 2010 - The summer was good to me. My friends and I were anticipating infamous vampire movie premieres and time spent by the pool with their babies. Ben and I were about to go to Florida for a friends wedding where I was doing the hair and He was doing the officiating. 

In anticipation of the vacation/wedding I was also eager to see if I was pregnant. Hoping I was this month as it would put me at my ever dreamed winter baby. Believe me I planned this. Taking my temperature in the morning and calling Ben to come home on his lunch breaks to do the "deed" and make a baby. A baby with his eyes and my smile, his freckles and my curls. We'd pray after and talk about baby names and how cool it would be the coming Christmas to be huge pregnant. 

I would eventually withdraw money or use my tips from the salon to buy a pregnancy test as Ben loathed me buying them every month, preferring I waited till I actually had missed my period to to test take. Cash left no record of my expenditure and the "five days before your missed period" marketing got me too anxious. 

This month, however, I was not pregnant. In my annoyance I buried the once hopeful test in some toilet paper and disposed of the useless unpromising piece of trash. I was mad, again, at everything and everyone. I allowed the emotion to be brief, this month Ben and I were gonna take a much needed vacation soon and I refused to wreck it with my heartbreak. I shut down that part of my brain, that part of my heart and open myself to some fun and “suffering for Jesus” in Florida. 

During this time, my journal entries reflected hope. Though I doubted God would be gracious in His giving of a child, I was still amped on Him. I was seeking Him and His words, and was incredibly fond of the Message Version of scripture. God was providing for us and we felt set. I was doing the latest workout in hopes to get in better shape for pregnancy and Florida. Ben and I were doing the best we'd ever been doing, as far as communicating and relating. Though it seemed very surfaced often times, we were okay with it, because the reality was too much to tackle. We had other prerogatives to keep conversation, such as: youth ministry, working multiple jobs and hanging out with our buddies. 

The occasional "when will you guys start having kids" or "what have the doctors said is the problem" questions, would set ablaze something we weren't ready to face or own up to. So we casually gave them a staple answer and moved on to asking them questions about their life. 

"You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep." Psalms 88:6

All in all, I just felt like I was in a season of want, and want for just one thing. I wanted and yearned for a baby. I wasn't speaking or believing like a heir to Christ. I lacked satisfaction in my womb, the very core of what I believed made me feminine.

Most times, though, everything was outwardly good or actually not bad at all, I still felt like I was in a pit. Small things were made huge deals by my poor attitude and lack of trust that God, my family and my husband were gonna pull through. Because, though, my day to day devotions were okay and I ultimately loved God, I honestly didn't trust Him or believe He was for me. This unresolved fact caused me to put that misguided trust in others. Very dangerous, considering that humanity is totally imperfect. Only leading to and continuing a cycle of disappointment. 

"Nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39

Looking back, Im thankful I know so much more truth than that. Through much time spent in prayer, godly mentorship and in the Truth I can find the root of my feelings - processing them more wisely - before I invest emotionally in them. I’m thankful that I know God firsthand as a miraculous, promise fulfilling and incredible God. And I have the choice to look at my circumstance or look up at my God.

When we are in the pit we have the CHOICE to go to the world for help (like I did) or seek and find the aid of our Lord. Will you choose familiarity with the world or adoption through Christ? 

"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for HELP and RELY on horses, who TRUST in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or CONSULT in the Lord." Isaiah 31:1