Wrecked: A raw preview from VICTORIOUS

Get messy. I'm saying get very messy. Don't be afraid of a little dirt. Don't be afraid to really dive in. Don't be afraid to get "uncomfortable."

 I know a woman who got very messy. In fact, I know a woman who got very, very messy. She jumped in, deep, with both feet.

 Her friend came to her with pleading prayers for her daughter. She told this woman that her daughter was doing meth while she was pregnant. 

Stop for a minute. Hold up. Yeah, this is where most of us would say, "I'm so sorry to hear that. I'll be praying for you and your daughter." The mother would continue to grieve for her daughter, and her daughter would continue spiraling until God would choose someone to intervene. But what happens if the person He has chosen, is you?

 Continue, and we find that the story is being written. She didn’t just say, “I’ll pray…” Instead, she got involved. She asked if she could get the daughters number, invite her to lunch, and she formed a relationship. After that lunch date, she knew she was meant to do so much more. When she heard that the young woman was at a drug dealers home, she instantly sprang into action. 

After she got there, the daughter came out of the house still high from the night before and she placed her head on the side of the car window. She told the girl to get in the car that she was going to take her to her house. The girl screamed and threw a fit, but she got in the car anyway. Together, they drove away while she comforted the daughter who was inevitably wrecked. 

Fast forward 3 years, a toddler with a smile lights up the room. I now have the pleasure of knowing a courageous 3 year old. I was that little girl. I was that daughter. I was the one with the wrecked life and because someone wasn’t afraid to get messy… wasn’t afraid to get in my ‘personal space’…I can now say that I have been clean from drugs and there is a handsome little man in my life. 

Why are we so afraid to get yelled at? Why are we so afraid to get rejected? Why are we so afraid to get involved when we know someone is struggling? Do we believe the lie that we can’t do anything about it, or do we answer the call that God placed on our hearts? We weren’t created to be brooms. We weren’t created to just sweep things under the rug. Nope. We were created to be light. We aren’t afraid of darkness; we overcome it.

A Tale of Sister Wives (from memory)

I remember when I could barely tie my shoelaces. I remember when I used to eat off of a God-made Tv tray. I remember when I whispered to myself in hopes another would hear. I remember when I looked down and saw a pregnant belly. I remember being Pax's birth mom. 

Then, I remember a friendship. I remember sitting in a deli across from a smiling red head. I remember the laughter. I remember lap tops, phones, and journals open. I remember hearts being poured out and shared. I remember Pax's mom. 

I remember a facebook message. I remember the excitement when I met an enthusiastic blonde at Cheddars. I remember trying to eat lettuce and talk at the same time. I remember the tears in her eyes. I remember the concern. I remember the 'rutabega' baby that she had in her tummy. I remember Thatchers Birtmom. 

Now.. We share messages. Texts. Phone calls. Heart aches. Concerns. Laughter. Funny pictures. Mile stones. Tattoos (soon). But Most of all, we share hearts. 

There are no other women I would consider doing life with the way that I do with these two. We are a moden family....and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being able to share in this wonderful world of "motherhood." 

Because more than gaining two wonderful friends, I gained two beautiful family members... two beautiful sisters.

My Heart Cries Out

There's a path I know that I am walking on. A Path that is laid out just for me.
There are times I have stumbled along.. dragged myself along... or flat out sat down impatiently.

One thing, never changes. The direction in which I am going.

I know that there are hills, mountains, and valleys ahead of me. For what it's worth, I am honestly drained. I recognize that it's not about speed. It's about one foot in front of the other until I get there.

I want to reach my destination so bad... but my idea of my destination might not be exactly what God has for me.
My goal is to continue writing and reaching people....

I see myself on a beach somewhere.... living in a beach house with a view... writing my stories of encouragement... while I live a life of luxury.

EH. Is this what Jesus has in mind? I have no idea.

All I know is that my heart cries out to get closer to HIM. Wherever I go, I just want it to be with Him.

It's with this desire that I know My ultimate destination, isn't a place. It's a person.

Chosen.

One Word.

Chosen.

Simple. Yet, it will change your entire world.

What makes it special to me?

I'm not sure if it struck me the night of my car accident when I flipped my convertible three times after falling asleep at the wheel....

I'm not sure if I truly understood it when I threw away my family for the sake of chasing my own interests....

I'm not sure it hit me when I laid half dressed on the floor with my heart  beating so fast inside my chest after overdosing on meth that death stared me in the face...

No..

Chosen....

 It means so much more to me.. then just being picked out of a crowd. It means more to me than just mere coincidence.

It was that night...Three months after trying to get an abortion for the baby I never deserved to carry...

It was the night that I got on my knees...and prayed to a God I didn't even know existed.
He came down to me.. CALLED ME BY NAME...and in that moment I was redeemed. All of the bad... all of it... changed. My whole world.. wrecked.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

oI have called you by name, you are mine."  Isaiah 43:1

There are days I wonder why God sent Jesus to me... There are  days that I struggle knowing that He came into my room and opened my blind eyes. Why Me?

These past few months I have struggled... greatly.. with my calling. How am I going to live up to what He placed inside of me? Am I confident enough? Am I courageous enough? Or am I still that girl that HE found hiding away from the world... afraid to confront those that would put me down...

Aw, but now... a fire rages...

 I know I was saved from the fire below me and he put a fire inside of me.

I was chosen. Chosen to tell the world about Christ and the redemption that can be found. I was chosen. Chosen to give a message of hope... chosen to give a message of Change. Will I any longer hide and listen to the lies of the enemy? The lies that say... I am only telling people to glorify myself? After all, The enemy knows my greatest fear is being selfish again...

HAH. I laugh in his face. God CHOSE ME. HE CHOSE ALL OF US. Now I know, Nothing's going to hold me back. Here I go. Moving forward, my vulnerability, my emotions, my openness... is not hidden... because that's what reaches people. It touches hearts. It changes lives. I am unashamed of my story... because it is HIS STORY.

When I stand before others and declare a name greater than my own, I will not waiver. I will be confident. I will be bold. For on the Blood of Christ and My testimony, I will stand praising my Father and giving all the glory to the ONE who called me according to HIS PURPOSE.

Are you ready to be bold... because YOU ARE CHOSEN.


SORRY, POSTING THIS ENTIRE VERSE!!!! ITS TOO GOOD NOT TO!

The Lord’s Chosen Servant

42 eBehold fmy servant, whom I uphold,

my chosen, gin whom my soul delights;

hI have put my Spirit upon him;

 

2  He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,

or make it heard in the street;

3  ja bruised reed he will not break,

and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;

khe will faithfully bring forth justice.

4  He will not grow faint or be discouraged1

till he has established justice in the earth;

and lthe coastlands wait for his law.

5  Thus says God, the Lord,

who created the heavens mand stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and what comes from it,

nwho gives breath to the people on it

and spirit to those who walk in it:

6  “I am the Lord; oI have called you2 in righteousness;

I will take you by the hand and keep you;

I will give you pas a covenant for the people,

qa light for the nations,

7  rto open the eyes that are blind,

to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,

sfrom the prison those who sit in darkness.

8  I am the Lord; that is my name;

tmy glory I give to no other,

nor my praise to carved idols.

9  Behold, the former things have come to pass,

uand new things I now declare;

before they spring forth

I tell you of them.”

Is it Hard? (Confessions of a Birth Mother)

Three years ago, I gave my son up for adoption. During these three years, there is only one question that constantly follows me. Although to me, the question has different meanings... The question cannot ever fully be answered.

As I work on the "speech" for the Mother's Day Banquet, I have been reading and re-reading the moment when I let go of  baby Paxton and he was placed into his mothers arms.... the moment my heart surrendered in obedience to the call God had on our lives. 

... And the question comes back... The question that so many ask and wonder. 

Three words: is it hard?  That's it. It's those three words that bring me to tears. It's those three words that tug at my heart and make me search deep within my soul... IS IT HARD? 

If these three words mean: Is it hard to have given a child up? The answer is Yes. It's not just hard, it's near impossible. Your body will ache for days along with your heart. Your mind and body are not in sync. The body believes you have a child.. It tells you to wake up, be alert, walk around, here's some energy, rock back and forth.. Hold something.. 

When the mind knows the truth.. There's no baby to wake up to, no baby to be held, and no need to sing a lullaby. 

But if these three words mean: Is it Hard to see your baby when He is another's?  The answer is no. It's not hard, it's breathtaking. It's not hard to watch a young baby boy be embraced by two loving parents. It's not hard, to see him laughing, running, and playing. It's not hard, to see him call his mother "Mommy" and his father "Daddy." It's not hard to see the three of them watch ninja turtles. It's not hard, to watch as another baby enters their household.. And Pax tickles and loves on him.

It's not hard to see a lovely young woman come to be his sister... Who holds him and loves him and plays swords with him! 

It's not hard... because any mother who truly loves their child, would never think it hard to see them with so much joy. 

The sacrifice wasn't just so I could sit back and cry about a baby that should have, could have been mine. The sacrifice was so that this baby could have life-- life to the fullest.. And I am blessed... To be able to be embraced by this loving family... That they would love me enough to include me in his life. That they would love me enough to let me baby sit and bring my family around him. 

 

So... Is it hard? There are days when I would love to hear a child running around my husband and I's house... But I know that God is good and he delivers the desires of our hearts... And he fulfilled a promise in another couples life... 

God uses the hard things that we go through to bring promises that we never thought we could be used to fulfill. 

Nothing worthwhile... Is ever... Easy. 

I quit

"Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." Ephesians 5:11

I quit. It's too hard. I can't put on my armor. I have no energy. There's just too much to do... Too much on my plate. And I get it, I do it to myself. 

I get in this routine... Constantly trying to do things on my own. Fighting battles God never intended me to fight and then... When I run to God... And I attempt to put on the armor... I am too tired from the fighting I already did... The unprepared battling.. That my strength let's me down. 

I attempt to pick up my bible and read. But my head is filled with distractions. I try to stand firm by fastening the belt of truth, but I've let so many lies in that it won't fasten.  I try to put on the breastplate of righteousness, but I feel unworthy, so it falls off. I try to put on the shoes of readiness, but it hurts the blisters that are already there from me walking in my own way. 

I want to take up my shield of faith, but everytime I pick it up, I doubt it's power to protect me. 

I have been compromised. I have already gone about my weeks unarmored and unprepared. My attempts to fight the enemy have failed... Everytime... And i feel a thousand miles away from God. (Just being honest). 

So I quit... trying to do it on my own. I quit... trying to be fierce. The enemy isn't scared of ME. I've got my back against the wall. So I quit. 

Your thinking surely that can't be it. The enemy can't win. 

Exactly. Even though I QUIT, God doesn't. 

"Finally, be STRONG IN THE LORD, and in the STRENGTH of HIS MIGHT, put on the WHOLE armor." Ephesians 5:10 

I've missed it. This whole time trying to put on my armor. It doesn't say that I Can put it on, it's only by HIS strength we can put on the armor. It's only by HIS MIGHT. 

And right now, if you feel like me, and want to quit putting it on. Pick up your bible, pray that God gives you HIS STRENGTH, and even if you don't FEEL HIM, seek him, because you will FIND HIM. 

This morning, HE helped put my armor on. The armor I couldn't put on by myself. I was a wounded warrior and He came and healed me... So that I may stand in HIS STRENGTH... And allow HIM to DRESS Me for the battle ahead. 

This time, I'm following his lead...because it's in HIS presence that my mind is peaceful, my heart is full, and the battle is won. 

The Perfect Valentine

LOVE DAY IS HERE!!! IT is my FAVORITE DAY. My heart feels full... Full of love from my husband, friends, family, and extended family;)
But today is my favorite day for more than just the fact that I feel full of Love... It's my story day!!

In Fact,
Love Day hasn't always felt like it does today...

It is truly amazing to me the details that the brain decides to attach itself to in a particular season. I have always been fond of Feb. 14th... but for the majority of my life it's been a day of heartbreak, disappointment, and fighting to uphold unrealistic expectations.

Lets just start with HIGH SCHOOL. This is where a lot of my "expectations" were let down. I wanted to have a date EVERY valentines day. I wanted to have flowers, big dramatic events happen so that everyone would know I was highly valued. I placed MY own value on the amount of carnations I got at school... or on if my "boyfriends" bought me things. Everything about my Valentines day ended in disappointment when I would only receive a couple things.

Needless to say I was never appreciative... but when you place your value on the things that you receive, someone could send you a plane writing your name in the sky and even that wouldn't be enough....

I didn't learn.... My heart broke every year. Even on the seemingly "good" valentines days.

Then... out of high school. My expectations hadn't changed. I was still chasing guys, chasing drugs, and partying. What I wanted for Valentines day... well... lets just say I didn't get it & if I would have... I don't think I would be here today...

It's safe to say that EVERY Valentines... I just wanted to get. I wanted to be spoiled. It was all about me. I am the woman. I deserved it... yada yada yada...

...But at the age of 20.... Love day wasn't about me. Love day had completely changed.

Yes, It's a book, so the story is known... but...

For the FIRST TIME in my ENTIRE LIFE on FEB. 12th, 2011... I fell in love. I fell in love with my Son.

FEB. 14th, 2011.... I had to let him go.... I had to place my son into the arms of another... allowing him to be Gods son. This was the FIRST sacrificial Valentine's Day I had EVER experienced.... It was the hardest day of my entire life...

If it wasn't for JESUS, THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.... I don't think I could have healed from that kind of heartbreak...

I say all this to say... that today isn't about you... or me... it's about the love we can SHOW to others. & the greatest love that we have IS Jesus... who, He, himself SACRIFICED his own life for us.

My value is found in him and him alone, making Every Love day from here on out, the perfect one.