My Heart Cries Out

There's a path I know that I am walking on. A Path that is laid out just for me.
There are times I have stumbled along.. dragged myself along... or flat out sat down impatiently.

One thing, never changes. The direction in which I am going.

I know that there are hills, mountains, and valleys ahead of me. For what it's worth, I am honestly drained. I recognize that it's not about speed. It's about one foot in front of the other until I get there.

I want to reach my destination so bad... but my idea of my destination might not be exactly what God has for me.
My goal is to continue writing and reaching people....

I see myself on a beach somewhere.... living in a beach house with a view... writing my stories of encouragement... while I live a life of luxury.

EH. Is this what Jesus has in mind? I have no idea.

All I know is that my heart cries out to get closer to HIM. Wherever I go, I just want it to be with Him.

It's with this desire that I know My ultimate destination, isn't a place. It's a person.

Chosen.

One Word.

Chosen.

Simple. Yet, it will change your entire world.

What makes it special to me?

I'm not sure if it struck me the night of my car accident when I flipped my convertible three times after falling asleep at the wheel....

I'm not sure if I truly understood it when I threw away my family for the sake of chasing my own interests....

I'm not sure it hit me when I laid half dressed on the floor with my heart  beating so fast inside my chest after overdosing on meth that death stared me in the face...

No..

Chosen....

 It means so much more to me.. then just being picked out of a crowd. It means more to me than just mere coincidence.

It was that night...Three months after trying to get an abortion for the baby I never deserved to carry...

It was the night that I got on my knees...and prayed to a God I didn't even know existed.
He came down to me.. CALLED ME BY NAME...and in that moment I was redeemed. All of the bad... all of it... changed. My whole world.. wrecked.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

oI have called you by name, you are mine."  Isaiah 43:1

There are days I wonder why God sent Jesus to me... There are  days that I struggle knowing that He came into my room and opened my blind eyes. Why Me?

These past few months I have struggled... greatly.. with my calling. How am I going to live up to what He placed inside of me? Am I confident enough? Am I courageous enough? Or am I still that girl that HE found hiding away from the world... afraid to confront those that would put me down...

Aw, but now... a fire rages...

 I know I was saved from the fire below me and he put a fire inside of me.

I was chosen. Chosen to tell the world about Christ and the redemption that can be found. I was chosen. Chosen to give a message of hope... chosen to give a message of Change. Will I any longer hide and listen to the lies of the enemy? The lies that say... I am only telling people to glorify myself? After all, The enemy knows my greatest fear is being selfish again...

HAH. I laugh in his face. God CHOSE ME. HE CHOSE ALL OF US. Now I know, Nothing's going to hold me back. Here I go. Moving forward, my vulnerability, my emotions, my openness... is not hidden... because that's what reaches people. It touches hearts. It changes lives. I am unashamed of my story... because it is HIS STORY.

When I stand before others and declare a name greater than my own, I will not waiver. I will be confident. I will be bold. For on the Blood of Christ and My testimony, I will stand praising my Father and giving all the glory to the ONE who called me according to HIS PURPOSE.

Are you ready to be bold... because YOU ARE CHOSEN.


SORRY, POSTING THIS ENTIRE VERSE!!!! ITS TOO GOOD NOT TO!

The Lord’s Chosen Servant

42 eBehold fmy servant, whom I uphold,

my chosen, gin whom my soul delights;

hI have put my Spirit upon him;

 

2  He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,

or make it heard in the street;

3  ja bruised reed he will not break,

and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;

khe will faithfully bring forth justice.

4  He will not grow faint or be discouraged1

till he has established justice in the earth;

and lthe coastlands wait for his law.

5  Thus says God, the Lord,

who created the heavens mand stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and what comes from it,

nwho gives breath to the people on it

and spirit to those who walk in it:

6  “I am the Lord; oI have called you2 in righteousness;

I will take you by the hand and keep you;

I will give you pas a covenant for the people,

qa light for the nations,

7  rto open the eyes that are blind,

to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,

sfrom the prison those who sit in darkness.

8  I am the Lord; that is my name;

tmy glory I give to no other,

nor my praise to carved idols.

9  Behold, the former things have come to pass,

uand new things I now declare;

before they spring forth

I tell you of them.”

Is it Hard? (Confessions of a Birth Mother)

Three years ago, I gave my son up for adoption. During these three years, there is only one question that constantly follows me. Although to me, the question has different meanings... The question cannot ever fully be answered.

As I work on the "speech" for the Mother's Day Banquet, I have been reading and re-reading the moment when I let go of  baby Paxton and he was placed into his mothers arms.... the moment my heart surrendered in obedience to the call God had on our lives. 

... And the question comes back... The question that so many ask and wonder. 

Three words: is it hard?  That's it. It's those three words that bring me to tears. It's those three words that tug at my heart and make me search deep within my soul... IS IT HARD? 

If these three words mean: Is it hard to have given a child up? The answer is Yes. It's not just hard, it's near impossible. Your body will ache for days along with your heart. Your mind and body are not in sync. The body believes you have a child.. It tells you to wake up, be alert, walk around, here's some energy, rock back and forth.. Hold something.. 

When the mind knows the truth.. There's no baby to wake up to, no baby to be held, and no need to sing a lullaby. 

But if these three words mean: Is it Hard to see your baby when He is another's?  The answer is no. It's not hard, it's breathtaking. It's not hard to watch a young baby boy be embraced by two loving parents. It's not hard, to see him laughing, running, and playing. It's not hard, to see him call his mother "Mommy" and his father "Daddy." It's not hard to see the three of them watch ninja turtles. It's not hard, to watch as another baby enters their household.. And Pax tickles and loves on him.

It's not hard to see a lovely young woman come to be his sister... Who holds him and loves him and plays swords with him! 

It's not hard... because any mother who truly loves their child, would never think it hard to see them with so much joy. 

The sacrifice wasn't just so I could sit back and cry about a baby that should have, could have been mine. The sacrifice was so that this baby could have life-- life to the fullest.. And I am blessed... To be able to be embraced by this loving family... That they would love me enough to include me in his life. That they would love me enough to let me baby sit and bring my family around him. 

 

So... Is it hard? There are days when I would love to hear a child running around my husband and I's house... But I know that God is good and he delivers the desires of our hearts... And he fulfilled a promise in another couples life... 

God uses the hard things that we go through to bring promises that we never thought we could be used to fulfill. 

Nothing worthwhile... Is ever... Easy. 

I quit

"Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." Ephesians 5:11

I quit. It's too hard. I can't put on my armor. I have no energy. There's just too much to do... Too much on my plate. And I get it, I do it to myself. 

I get in this routine... Constantly trying to do things on my own. Fighting battles God never intended me to fight and then... When I run to God... And I attempt to put on the armor... I am too tired from the fighting I already did... The unprepared battling.. That my strength let's me down. 

I attempt to pick up my bible and read. But my head is filled with distractions. I try to stand firm by fastening the belt of truth, but I've let so many lies in that it won't fasten.  I try to put on the breastplate of righteousness, but I feel unworthy, so it falls off. I try to put on the shoes of readiness, but it hurts the blisters that are already there from me walking in my own way. 

I want to take up my shield of faith, but everytime I pick it up, I doubt it's power to protect me. 

I have been compromised. I have already gone about my weeks unarmored and unprepared. My attempts to fight the enemy have failed... Everytime... And i feel a thousand miles away from God. (Just being honest). 

So I quit... trying to do it on my own. I quit... trying to be fierce. The enemy isn't scared of ME. I've got my back against the wall. So I quit. 

Your thinking surely that can't be it. The enemy can't win. 

Exactly. Even though I QUIT, God doesn't. 

"Finally, be STRONG IN THE LORD, and in the STRENGTH of HIS MIGHT, put on the WHOLE armor." Ephesians 5:10 

I've missed it. This whole time trying to put on my armor. It doesn't say that I Can put it on, it's only by HIS strength we can put on the armor. It's only by HIS MIGHT. 

And right now, if you feel like me, and want to quit putting it on. Pick up your bible, pray that God gives you HIS STRENGTH, and even if you don't FEEL HIM, seek him, because you will FIND HIM. 

This morning, HE helped put my armor on. The armor I couldn't put on by myself. I was a wounded warrior and He came and healed me... So that I may stand in HIS STRENGTH... And allow HIM to DRESS Me for the battle ahead. 

This time, I'm following his lead...because it's in HIS presence that my mind is peaceful, my heart is full, and the battle is won. 

The Perfect Valentine

LOVE DAY IS HERE!!! IT is my FAVORITE DAY. My heart feels full... Full of love from my husband, friends, family, and extended family;)
But today is my favorite day for more than just the fact that I feel full of Love... It's my story day!!

In Fact,
Love Day hasn't always felt like it does today...

It is truly amazing to me the details that the brain decides to attach itself to in a particular season. I have always been fond of Feb. 14th... but for the majority of my life it's been a day of heartbreak, disappointment, and fighting to uphold unrealistic expectations.

Lets just start with HIGH SCHOOL. This is where a lot of my "expectations" were let down. I wanted to have a date EVERY valentines day. I wanted to have flowers, big dramatic events happen so that everyone would know I was highly valued. I placed MY own value on the amount of carnations I got at school... or on if my "boyfriends" bought me things. Everything about my Valentines day ended in disappointment when I would only receive a couple things.

Needless to say I was never appreciative... but when you place your value on the things that you receive, someone could send you a plane writing your name in the sky and even that wouldn't be enough....

I didn't learn.... My heart broke every year. Even on the seemingly "good" valentines days.

Then... out of high school. My expectations hadn't changed. I was still chasing guys, chasing drugs, and partying. What I wanted for Valentines day... well... lets just say I didn't get it & if I would have... I don't think I would be here today...

It's safe to say that EVERY Valentines... I just wanted to get. I wanted to be spoiled. It was all about me. I am the woman. I deserved it... yada yada yada...

...But at the age of 20.... Love day wasn't about me. Love day had completely changed.

Yes, It's a book, so the story is known... but...

For the FIRST TIME in my ENTIRE LIFE on FEB. 12th, 2011... I fell in love. I fell in love with my Son.

FEB. 14th, 2011.... I had to let him go.... I had to place my son into the arms of another... allowing him to be Gods son. This was the FIRST sacrificial Valentine's Day I had EVER experienced.... It was the hardest day of my entire life...

If it wasn't for JESUS, THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.... I don't think I could have healed from that kind of heartbreak...

I say all this to say... that today isn't about you... or me... it's about the love we can SHOW to others. & the greatest love that we have IS Jesus... who, He, himself SACRIFICED his own life for us.

My value is found in him and him alone, making Every Love day from here on out, the perfect one.

In My Weakness.

"If I must boast, I must boast of the things that SHOW MY WEAKNESS." 2 Corinthians 11:30 

The last couple weeks have undoubtedly been extremely difficult for Austin and I. As we have been looking for a glimpse of hope, we have found ourselves at the bottom of the financial valley. 

God has continually held my hand through this as I am a FIX IT type of woman. I want to have a job so bad, so I have busied myself with painting and started the Ante Meridiem Boutique. The more I have prayed for God to allow me to work in this season as we wait for my sweet husband to begin the post office, the more he has said "wait. Be patient. Be submissive. Allow your husband to lead you." 

Argh! What?! God and I have had some trying weeks as I have wrestled with Him to give me a part time job... But with a gentle hand he has guided me to the realization that I was missing the point. 

The point wasn't for me to focus on the fact that For the past week, bill collectors have been blowing up my phone, and I have continually avoided them. Ashamed to answer after putting the last six dollars in my gas tank. Continually I have told myself "God will provide." (And he continually does through various places to help us scrape by) 

The point hasn't been to focus on my external problems... As a matter of fact, it took the financial burden to look at my heart and see the defects that I still cling to. Pride. Anger. Stress. Depression. 

Where is all this coming from? Money can't truly be what's causing my emotions to be this way! 

But the truth... The truth is that it's hard to wake up each day and feel like I've had a purpose. It's not like I have a job I work at and provide with. The truth is that it's hard to love my husband the way he deserves to be loved when he isn't providing. It's not like it's his fault I am bitter. The truth is it's hard to see God through the mess when bill collectors are blowing up your phone and your barely making it already. The truth is... I can have all the head knowledge in the world about what it is to follow Christ without truly knowing what it is to cherish Him in my heart and be obedient to HIS CALL. 

So, yes, GOD SAYS I HAVE MISSED THE POINT IN ALL THIS. If He had wanted Austin to have a job right away, then He would have made the post office speed up. He has that power. He can do all things. So why didn't HE? Because the point of this, was to learn true submission and what my true treasure is. The point was to show that There is value in following God and SELLING OUT to have that treasure. 

"The kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and SELLS ALL THAT HE HAS and buys that field." Matthew 13:44

Honestly, I have to boast in this weakness. Although I have found myself crying more days than not, I wouldn't change it for the world. God will use this mess and turn it into a miracle. God will use this financial burden to strengthen my marriage and not look at my husband like He's somehow failing at providing, but rather that He's trying his best to lead me even in the hard times. God will use this financial downfall as a way to show that money DOES have a chain on me... That my heart turns nasty when I feel insecure... Because my security has come from what I can do... Not what He can do. 

I just pray that you too, if finding yourself in a financial crisis, can learn to see the internal transformation even when everything around you stays the same, or gets worse. 

Look at what IS to be cherished.. And delighted in...  Because until ALL IS STRIPPED AWAY, we won't know the true value of Christ. 

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you." Psalm 73:25

Moving to KC-Part 3

The night after Family Fest, I had a dream. I dreamt about going to a hospital and meeting a mom and little boy. The little boy was named Caleb. The mom and I began talking. Caleb was adopted. The mom then began talking about things she believed to be true... Yet it was skewed. She was open to listening about what I had to say. She was open to the truths of Jesus Christ.  Just like after every dream, I woke up. 

I told Austin about it that morning and we contemplated if it meant anything. I couldn't shake it. We took it to God to give us the interpretation. What he told us, blew my mind. 

"Look up Caleb in the bible. Tell me who he was."  (Obviously, God wants us to participate. ;) ) 

In a nut shell,  Caleb was one of the 12 spies sent by Moses to check out the land of Cannan.  When they returned, Caleb and Joshua gave a good report--knowing that God already had the victory. The other men were afraid and doubted. 

{Numbers 13}

The mother was only something God could tell us. He said that she represented the people of KC. That many know of a truth... But that they do not know of who JESUS really is. She was in a hospital to figure out what was wrong with her... And It was there that she heard the good news of Jesus. That was our purpose. To bring the good news of Jesus to keep people out of Hospitals and bring them back to life.. To mend the broken. 

After the dream had been interpreted to us by the Holy Spirit, Austin and I decided to be like Caleb and "spy" out KC before moving. I knew of a dear friend who had just moved to KC and she invited us to stay in her home for a weekend. 

The night before we left to come to KC, we went out to eat with my family. I had to leave dinner early to run to work, so Austin got the check at the end. Unfortunately, the lady accidentally charged us for the entire table of 12 ppl. She had already run our card, the damage was done. It charged us for every cent in our bank account. 

Austin called me at work to give me the bad news. It was upsetting and we were both glad I wasn't at the restaurant when it happened or I could have told the lady a few things (UnChristlike Things) that were on my mind. I am currently thanking God still, that my anger was contained.(For her sake, and my families). I then knew that I knew, that I knew, we had to still go to KC the next morning, with half a tank of Gas and no money. 

The mixup could have stopped us or propelled us. For God tests the righteous. We decided it was exactly that, a test... A test to see if the hardship would get the better of us... If it would scare us away from following through with what God planned for us. 

I prayed that night that God take care of us... That We knew this is where He wanted us and we were going to follow him because we knew his super natural powers. He is CAPABLE even when things make no sense. 

So that next morning we packed up and got in the car to leave. I called the bank early to see if they could do anything since they cancelled the charge. We are so blessed. They released the funds right in time for our trip! 

We drove 3 relaxing hours to KC, Mo. Not worried about a thing. Shannon was more than generous. She allowed us to stay in her room and she provided us with meals... All three days. She is a fantastic cook! We were so blessed!!!! 

Church came early for us on Sunday morning as it took us an hour to drive there. (& we weren't late, praise Jesus).

On our drive, we both heard God say... The answers you are looking for are going to come at Church. Not sure which answers, but we knew the answer was Church... Our fellow Christian brothers and Sisters.  

We were greeted by at least 5 ppl before being seated. The worship played and we felt at home. Three songs in, they began playing a song that said "Breaking Chains" in the chorus. Aw! Again. Thank you JESUS for confirming our church home. 

After the message, Pastor Todd Blansit came over to us and personally introduced himself. I felt compelled to give him a love connection book and Austin told him about his music. Pastor Todd then told us about how he wanted to use our talents! Is this real life? Someone pinch me. 

Before leaving the Church, Austin needed to use the restroom, so I stood by the information desk when a "stranger" came up to it. 

"hey, I know you, you were in my life group at DC." I said to her. "Remind me your name."

 "I'm Nadine. I'm also Traci's mom." She replied. 

She had come back in to get her cookie tin that she had left behind accidentally. Then Todd (her husband) came over and she introduced him. Austin came back and I introduced him to them. We then all went into the new comers area where they gave us cookies and introduced us to a couple people. 

Todd and Nadine then asked us.. "What are your plans here." We began to briefly explain we just felt called there. We weren't sure what we wanted to do or why... But we knew we were supposed to come." 

They both got tears in their eyes as they looked at each other and then back at us. They said "We were just talking about it this morning, but we don't know why God has really called us here either. But we know we have a purpose. I think one of our purposes is to help you two. We have plenty of room in our home. We would like to be a blessing if you two want to stay with us." 

Austin and I were blown away... Not only had God provided a church home, and a studio, but he was now providing us a real home... With a generous family... 

We planned to get together that Monday before Austin and I left for home to talk details. When we came to their house, scripture filled their walls.

On their tv stand a very familiar scripture stopped me in my tracks. Tears came to my eyes as I read the words "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares The Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

All this came full circle and I could hear The Lord whisper, "welcome to your new home." 

We told a few close friends