"Showers of Love" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

 The reality had hit both Jamie and I hard after "Our" dr appointment. I knew she was the one and she knew she had to start preparing. Within a matter of days, Jamie had planned to have a baby shower  at Hebrews with her friends from the salon--and she wanted me to come!

Jan 30th-- I wasn't sure what to expect when I thought about the baby shower. I had no idea if I was going to feel completely out of place or if I would be welcomed? I didn't want people to have an image of me with the baby because I only wanted the baby to be seen with her. She would be the Mom and I didn't want to take any attention away from Jamie on HER baby shower.

Thinking about less serious things I contemplated on what I would even wear! I could barely fit into anything I owned, so I ended up picking out a black and white stretchy dress. Little did I know how ironic my outfit choice would be.

I walked into Hebrews Coffee and didn't see anyone. I texted Jamie and just as I did-- I saw them. All the girls were waiting in a back room in the Cafe. As I walked toward the room, I was so nervous. Not really knowing what to expect or how I should act. Was it going to be weird seeing things for Charlie when he wouldn't be mine? Would I be able to say things were cute without seeming as if I wanted them for myself? I didn't want to come off as though I was going to be TOO attached to him--even though I was attached. I didn't want them to think I would change my mind because I was involved in the shower. Nerves just...slowly... took over.

But then, I saw Jamie. She showed me inside. She asked me to sit at the end of the table. All the girls were smiling at me. They were all so happy and I could feel the excitement radiating off of Jamie. I took my seat next to her and everyone began talking to each other.

Insanely enough, they all started asking me questions--asking me about how my pregnancy was going, what I liked to do, and then we all just started making jokes. I told them about how I would always waddle.... it was like when you get off a treadmill and still feel like your walking on moving ground... when the baby would come out, I would still walk like he was in my belly! Then they made a joke that I would come in black and white because where they all worked they always HAD to wear black and white. They laughed and I took it in. Their laughter warmed my soul. It made me feel so at home--so welcomed.

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me..." Matthew 25:35

Jamie began opening her presents. I remember one in particular that had the name "Paxton" on it. They were graffiti looking little shoes--so cute! The name Paxton... was perfect. It was meant for him. It seemed to fit... As soon as I said it in my mind, I realized this was going to be PAXTON that was. He would BE her PAXTON and he would bring peace to our family and to hers. He was already doing what his name was stating.

All the sudden, one of the girls got up and slid the last present on the table to me.

"Open it." They said.

"This ones for me?!"  I replied.

Their smiles and eyes lit up. It made me want to cry. They went out of their way to put together a gift for me when it was my HONOR to give my son a better home, a better family, and a better life. I could not believe that they would be so kind with wanting nothing in return. I wasn't doing anything for them, I was doing something for a little boy and for Jamie... and because they all loved Jamie so much, they accepted and loved me like a friend, like part of their family. Was this what "pure" love looked like?

"Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness; they will sing with joy about your righteousness." Psalm 145:7

In my present was a ton of hair products! I received Paul Mitchell products-- about 7 things! I was so grateful. I seriously couldn't believe all the stuff they put together. For someone to do something so nice was just overwhelming. I wanted the day to last forever. It was the first time during my pregnancy that I felt appreciated... that I felt as though the right thing to do was starting to bear fruit and that I was an important part of the equation--that I wasn't just going to be the mother birthing this baby-- I wouldn't be forgotten about and at this moment, I was loved just as much as they were going to Love Paxton.

A few days later, Jamie had planned another shower at Pastor Tosha's.  I had asked if it was okay to invite my mother and my sister because after the first baby shower I wanted them to experience God's unfailing Love.

My mom agreed to go with me. My sister ended up having other things she had to get done-- but she supported me even though she couldn't make it.  It was nice to have my family there for me, to back me up and to share in this journey. I wanted to show them what God could truly do when we trust in him.

When we arrived at Toshas, everyone was already there (We ran late a lot) and they were all set up. They had the cutest decorations and an amazing cake. It couldn't have been more perfect. The girls were all so sweet-- welcoming us as soon as we set foot in the house. Jamie was gleaming-- shining! She had this gorgeous glow about her.

I loved being there and seeing all her family and friends. I loved that everyone was so supportive of her! It was as if they KNEW the whole time that this is exactly what GOD had planned and that it was going to be carried out.

It was a perfect shower filled with games and love. I remember thinking the whole time how unfair it was that they couldn't play any fun "measure the belly" games with Jamie's pregnant belly and I just wanted it for her so bad. I wanted her to get the WHOLE experience. I rubbed my belly and was so grateful and extremely humbled.

After losing all the baby games and stuffing my face the night Was coming to an end with one final event--present opening.  I felt as though I could respond better this time, that it was okay to celebrate and it was okay to have feelings of grief. It was bitter sweet.

Earlier in the week-- Jamie had asked me how I was going to cope when I gave him up. I told her I wasn't sure... That I would just write in my journals and do artsy things because it always seemed to help me overcome any negativity.

At this moment, when she finished opening all her amazing presents... There was one tucked away near the fire place. Jamie picked it up and walked it over to the big chair I was sitting in, my feet dangling over the cushion.

She plopped it on my lap with a HuGe grin!  I was amazed. My mom was just as stunned at how big the bag was.

Everyone was watching me. I didn't know how to react... I had received a gift days before-- but this time it seemed different. Everyone was so eager for me to see what was inside.

I began pulling out journals and art supplies-- things that looked expensive. I wanted to cry and laugh. I could feel my face turning red. I loved it all so much but I couldn't help to think:

This is what I am going to have after Pax is given away. I won't have a baby. I won't have him to snuggle-- this stuff is replacing him. It hurt my heart because I wanted to keep Paxton so bad, but I knew that God had given me EVERYTHING to be comforted.

"who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:4

These ladies showed me genuine generosity. I felt at home. I felt loved. I knew that Even in my ironic state of happy grief, I would... Be... OKAY.

"May mercy, peace and love be multiplied to you." Jude 1:2

During my whole pregnancy I had been seeking the acceptance of anyone who saw what I was going through or what I was doing. The thing about being accepted though--once you get it--you realize that the only one you'd been seeking acceptance from is God.

Through these ladies who accepted me, they ultimately showed me God's acceptance.

Do you know of anyone that could use some love shown through your acceptance?

"Showers of Love" - Jamie's Take

I had weeks..a couple to be factual..to get ready for a baby. A baby, not a puppy....a little baby chicken (in human form). I had already registered. Those around me were getting really excited about throwing a shower. I wanted family to start knowing. Even as I type this I realize how backward it sounds, my friends knew, people I worked with knew, but our family didn't.

Let’s rewind for clarification.

Ben and I were called to Republic, Missouri in 2008 to work at a church.  Our church became our family. The people we worked with were family. Ben had relatives who were close that took a vested interest in us, however we were mostly around people from church and work. We have always felt like Sarah and Abraham, away from home and close family and somewhere seemingly random.  A couple in a foreign land and unable to have a baby. 

People were always concerned we hadn’t had children yet. We had a lot of people wanting to pray for us and give us 'faith' books and magazine excerpts on people who got pregnant

after proclaiming specifics scriptures. People were invested, even the preferrably undesirable kind, but all in love and deep hope we'd conceive. 

And our parents didn't understand nor our extended family. No one had ever adopted before. So we wanted to have details and more certainty before sharing with our parents and family.

I took time during my lunch break to call my family. I called my mother first. She was extrememly confused and apprehensive. Hesitant that her daughter may get her heart broken, which inevitably breaks hers.

I called my dad while he was at work. He had no clue what I was talking about and said, "Uh...okay." My dad is a great dad, but never-the-less a man. I knew he'd come around when he held that baby.

I then called a dear friend and family member. She was married to Ben's first cousin, practically a brother to Ben...and she, practically a sister to me. They were married a few months before we were and began trying also a few months before we did. She also wasn't able to become pregnant. Family gatherings, we'd sit and talk alone about our deepest desire, and we'd cry together. Unlike me, she did the hard work of doing tests and going to the doctor and such. She had to be tenderly told by me, that I was going to be given a baby before her. It was my hardest call.  Yet, by no surprise, she was tender and incredible. She shared in my joy. I knew her heart though, excited for me - she still lacked her promise.

Ben did his part to call his family. Afterwards, we blasted the news on our social network pages.  The only way us next generations knew to. 

Now the showers could commence.

My first shower, was with girls from my salon. I worked part-time and loved everyone there, however I wasn't mega close to any of the ladies. Most of them didn't have children. With that, I was unsure how the shower would go down. They were so excited for the new addition but also were concerned about the chance of Lesa changing her mind.

Speaking of Lesa - it was really important to me that Lesa came to the showers.  I wanted her to see who was going to be in our son’s life and that he was going to be celebrated well. 

The day of the shower I was nervous. I got there on time and no one was there. Within in a few minutes I recieved texts letting me know many of them would be late. Lesa arrived and we ordered a coffee and headed to the back - where the girls trinckled in. I was blown away. They were all there minus a couple, we tightly huddled in the meeting room at a coffeehouse, Lesa and I sitting at the end of the table. Every single one of those ladies were so incredibly genuine. Their love for this baby stole heart beats from me. Their gentleness to Lesa made me proud to work with them and love them even more. They shared in our excitement and made Lesa feel comfortable.

They got Paxton, cute little graffiti shoes, clothes, his registered bedding, tons and tons of incredible gifts - ALL needed. Then they held off till the end to honor Lesa, giving her - what all us ladies know best - hair products and telling her thanks for giving me, her baby.

"I pray that because of the riches of His shining-greatness, He will make you strong with power in your hearts through the Holy Spirit." - Ephesians 3:16

I felt blessed. 

Within days I had another shower. Women from the church had a shower at my Pastor’s house and my mom and youngest sister were going to be in attendance and so was Lesa's mom and sister. They were going to meet for the very first time. 

I worked most of the day and rushed home from work to brush my teeth and meet my mom and sister so I could show them how to get there. We arrived. This was it, reality for my mother. Many women followed. I was honored, as any woman being celebrated. All these women came, with gifts for my son (no matter the way I was getting him) and gifts to honor Lesa. The decorations, the honor, the detail and the cake looked incredible. I was fasting, so the cake would have to be frozen. 

The only thing that was missing was Lesa and her mom and sister. Soon enough,though, she found her way and entered with her mom. Her sister couldn't make it. She was stunning. I felt so priveldge to introduce her to my mother and my younger sister, who still didn't understand yet courteous.

We took some pictures, ate some cake and made introductions when we were all seated. I was amazed at all the women that came. My mom was able to see my support system, my Republic family. I would catch her looking at me tenderly. It was becoming a reality to her.

The gifts were endless. The love was stuffing the room. Then they pulled out the huge amount of gifts for Lesa. Art supplies, journals and such..letters of love and thankfulness. I was overwhelmed with pride; I was so proud that I had the honor to know these women. Women who showed up in such a giving and intentional way for a woman they never met, thanking her for giving their friend the greatest of gifts. Women in attendance were watching a miracle. God was so good.

"Receive each other as Christ received you. This will honor God." - Romans 15:7

Then Lesa and I shared give and take after, while everyone enjoyed what was left of the cake. I sat at her feet and continued to rub her belly as she told me about her discomfort and lack of sleep. But she was compassionate about it..being cautious to no be ungrateful that she was pregnant. She then gave me pictures of Paxton's ultrasounds to look at. She was planning on parting with them but kept them. I was still grateful to see them..and take pictures of them. I later texted them to Ben.

The crowd slowly left, saying goodbye to both Lesa and I. This was happening and people were witnessing a miracle with Ben, Lesa and I. I was blessed and so humbled to be apart of this journey. 

"Many words will come from their mouths about how good You are. They will sing for joy about how right You are." - Psalm 145:7

While attending all my showers, Ben was tackling the house. God was good to provide all that we needed. I found myself painting Pax's room two different times..finally settling on gray. Things were coming together. One day I had a few girls over for well over 15 hours, painting, cleaning, organizing and so forth. I was beyond grateful! My sister and I actually retiled my shower one afternoon turned evening. 

While all this was going on, God was also taking care of all the details with the adoption.

Ben's uncle was a lawyer and agreed to do our adoption pro-bono. He was really nervous as it was not his line of law, but he strongly felt the Lord was prompting him. He was unseasonably slow at work and knew it was God giving him time to read up on all we needed legally.

Lesa was feeling celebrated and welcomed and Ben and I were being strengthened. Strengthened by God's favor and faithfulness, by Lesa's humility, by my friend's compassion and by my family's opportunity to see God - the one I serve that they didn’t or even understand why I did. Even more they didn’t understand why any of this was happening - that He would do miracles and show Himself.

"May you have much of God’s loving-kindness and peace and love." - Jude 1:2

"The Sound of REALity" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

     Jan 25, 2011  Dr's appointments were very routine for me at this time. I was going every week and every week I got to hear the little babies heart beat that was inside my stomach. I can't explain the feeling of hearing something so wonderful, something that only God could create, another heartbeat.... another living body inside my own.

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

All along this journey of Dr's visits, I have had many guests up to this point. The very first time I went I brought my Mother, the 2nd time during my first trimester I invited the first potential mother to my baby, and the 3rd time and in my 2nd trimester--the biological father came with. My Dr, Jamie, had seen what I was struggling with. She saw all the different opinions that other people had for MY life and My baby. It was like my voice got drowned out while everyone of them told my Dr how they wanted the delivery to go and what THEY expected. Jamie--my doc-- would always look at me as if to tell me she knew that we would get a chance to talk and that she wasn't going to listen to anyone but me. It made me hopeful.

This appointment--on Jan 25th--I invited Jamie, the mother I had chosen to share life with.  I knew that after I had picked Jamie, I wanted her to experience every moment she could. I wanted her to know what it was like to be pregnant. I was trying to give her the opportunity to feel as though this baby and her were truly connected. I couldn't think of a better way to do it then for her to hear his heartbeat--considering that the first time I heard his heartbeat, I knew instantly that I couldn't abort a living baby. It brought me that much closer to Charlie and I knew that when she heard him, the attachment would be there.

"Hear, my son, and be wise, and Direct your heart in the way." Proverbs 23:19

I wanted more than anything to watch Jamie get pregnant. Again, I thought of how unfair it was that she could only watch and not truly experience. I wanted more than anything to make this special for her. She deserved to be there every step of the way.

As I was walking into Jordan Valley Health Clinic, my brain wouldn't turn off and my emotions were all over the place. We had been texting all morning and I couldn't wait to see her. My Mother was with me and as we walked in we saw her sitting patiently by the window. She had a starbucks box with her and a coffee. She gave me the box and told me that it was filled with "goodies".  Being pregnant, hungry, and loving anything starbucks, I couldn't wait to get in it!

We started walking downstairs to check in. I kept looking at the box and told Jamie how sweet she was. As soon as we checked in, we sat down to wait. I put the box on my belly and opened it. Jamie laughed at me and I told her how I used my belly as my table. It was comfy. It was like having a tv dinner--All the Time!

The Starbucks box contained sooooooooo (no exaggeration) many pastries, muffins, and breads. I looked at my Mom and she was in shock too. I took one bite out of everything. I loved the pumpkin bread the most and I offered some to my mom, but she wasn't hungry. Then we were called into the Dr's office.

The first thing I always had to do was pee into a cup. I had been doing this since the beginning of my pregnancy to keep me accountable in case I relapsed into drugs. Thankfully and with the God given Self-Control, I never did. After that, I had to get weighed. I asked Jamie to hold my purse and my box of goodies, and my jacket. I got on the scale and I was about 135. I had gained 50lbs during this pregnancy. I felt huge.

Jamie and my Mom walked behind me as I waddled to the room. My Mom and Jamie sat in the guest seats and My dr asked me routine questions. Everyone had to leave the room while I took off my pants and got situated for the dr to come back and check me. When they all walked back in, I was starting to feel a little nervous. How was Jamie feeling about all this? Did she feel awkward? Did she feel like she was suppose to be there? I was hoping she was feeling comfortable and I was hoping she was excited.

Normally, like I had said, everyone always gave their opinions about the way the delivery should go and how THEY wanted it... but Jamie... she sat there quietly observing. She had a smile on her face and I could tell she had something on her mind. I couldn't tell what though.

"At this also, my heart trembles and leaps out of it's place." Job 37:1

When the Dr told me to lay down, I asked Jamie and my Mom to come stand by my head. I didn't want them seeing my downstairs! My dr was poking on my stomach and checked if I was dilated. She said I was at a 1 and that he was already beginning to move into posistion--Head down. She checked my ankles to make sure they weren't swollen and then.... she asked if I was ready to hear the heartbeat.

I looked at Jamie and I could tell she was ready... that this part of the appointment was what she had been looking forward to! Wasting no time, the dr gooped me up and placed the cold machine head onto my belly. It seemed to take forever for her to find it. While she was searching for the heart, we got a little nervous. I could see it in Jamies face and I could feel it in my own. Then without warning we heard it.

"For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for Joy." Luke 1:44

The slight sounds that seemed to be like the waves of an ocean... in perfect rhythm. Healthy and loud. I could listen to that sound forever. The small pitter pattering of a tiny heart that would one day become full of the love that was about to be poured into it. It was hard for me to imagine that one day this heart would go through heartbreak. I wanted to protect it with all that I had... but then I looked at Jamie. In humility, This was the first time that I realized that I was only the planter and she would be the waterer.

"It's not important who does the planting and who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow." 1 Corinthians 3:7

I had to let go of the control that wasn't mine. I knew God would provide for them. I could see the joy that was in her eyes. I could see that God was doing something greater than I could have ever thought of.

When we heard his heartbeat on this day, lives were already being changed in the world by a life that had yet to be in the world.

Faith comes through hearing the message and the message is the LIVING WORD. Hearing.... I decided to not abort my baby. Hearing... I found Christ. Hearing... Jamie found me. Hearing... A babies heartbeat gave us BOTH hope.

What have you been tuning out? Do you live your life by what you hear, by what you heard or by what you keep hearing? God never stops giving us directions, so we should never stop listening.

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ." Romans 10:17

When we listen, Our Faith grows and when our Faith grows we will be able to receive The Promise.

"The Sound of REALity" - Jamie's Take

Journal entry January 25th.."In a few hours I will be checking in to the doctors, seeing an ultrasound, and hearing a heartbeat...that will belong to a baby..that will be my son. God, You are Infinite! I am so small and so incredibly indebted to you. Bless Lesa. Touch this baby, heal their hearts and give her all the desires of hers. Establish this relationship between us, as a deep supernatural connection. Unshakeable. Unlike any other. Begin to teach me and mold Ben and I to be parents to this boy, shaping him, and establishing him in You. I give him to you! I love you."

I woke up early. Braided my hair and sat with a cup of coffee on my couch, bible open, heart about to explode with gratitude. God was going to have this day. Ben was already off to work. I, myself, was preparing for the day the only way I knew how, the only way that was right, in God's Presence. We talked all night about what needed to be done with the house. We prayed for provision - what we needed done would cost. Ben and I were also pretty sure on a name. We wanted a name for our son that claimed the truth of this entire miracle.

Peace. God had given me a sure PEACE. So we decided that night his name would be Paxton but we'd call him Pax. Pax in hebrew meant ‘peace.’ I prayed for him and his giftings. I prayed God would raise him up.

"Listen, my son, and be wise, 

   and set your heart on the right path" - Proverbs 23:19

I couldn't believe God knew about him this whole time and that He had him for us.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. 

      Before you were born I set you apart 

      and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” - Jeremiah 1:5

In less than a week we went from no children, to a boy, due in a few weeks, and a relationship with an extraordinary woman. Precisely a week before - we had no clue our life would change and now I was in a humble position under a Lord who granted my truest, purest desire. Our prayers before bed every night were "Lord you know our desire to have a child, Lord provide everything we will need, cover the logistics, cover the cost..we give this to You." We knew God would provide.

I got ready and headed out early to the second greatest gift God gave human kind under Jesus crucified..coffee. I walked in and wanted to get her everything in the coffee shop...and I nearly did. I ordered our drinks..and then asked the man working if I could just have one of everything in the bakery window. He asked me how I was and without hesitation, I told him briefly but excitedly that I was going to meet my baby's birthmom to hear my son's heartbeat. I also told him it was imperative that I needed every kind of goodies for my babymama, and one of everything was a good place to start. He chuckled and began to share the story with the girl making my coffee. They genuinely shared in my story, which only made me more excited and anxious to see Lesa.

I found the clinic and parked. I said a prayer and texted Ben, to keep him updated. I then texted Lesa to let her know I was here and she told me where to wait. As I waited in the lobby, I watched couples, as well as women with children coming in and out. I sat across from a man and his 3-4 year old son, who googled my box of goodies. I got on my phone to look online for a gift to get for Lesa when she has Paxton. I racked my brain to come up with something tangible and meaningful to get to let her know I was so grateful for her.

She walked in moments later with her mom, well it was more like wabbling.  Extremely grateful for my goodies, we embraced and headed downstairs to check in. My senses were heightened. Lesa checked in and her mom headed to use the restroom. We joked a bit about her need to eat all the time and her belly as a table, and how the baby was as I touched her stomach. 

Moments later her name was called. I helped her up and we headed in, Lesa's mom had not returned yet. When we came in Lesa was instructed to pee in a cup left for her in the restroom. She joked it'd be easy because the baby was always on her bladder. When she returned we walked more down the hallway only to stop to be weighed. I wanted Lesa to know I was there for her. I took her purse and coat - as she initially wanted to put them on the floor. It hit me like an emotional freight train out of now where - she was doing this alone...she's been doing this alone. I'm sure she's had family and friends but it wasn't the natural coarse of events for a woman pregnant (in my mind) and not at all as God intended it. She wasn't coming with her husband or the father of the baby, she was coming alone. I fell in love with her even more. She stepped off the scale, seeming miserable, as she hadn't been sleeping well, but to me, she was beautiful. I locked down the tears. I was in love, with this baby and with this woman. She was so strong, yet so humble.

I continued to carry her things and made her feel ridiculous for thinking she needed to carry them herself. We walked in the first exam room. She was instructed to undress - and as the room blinds were pulled, Lesa's mom rejoined, seeming to of just got off the phone. Lesa had me open the blinds once she was done and we waited chatting. We joked about her unmatched socks and then her and her mom talked about plans for the day. I began to run my own checklists in my head about all that still needed to be done but had this confidence that all was going to be taken care of. I also really needed to tell my parents, we needed to start telling family. Other than my sister and one of Ben’s cousins (who also shared in our pain of not being able to conceive), no one else really knew. 

The doctor came in. I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing. I felt like at any moment I was gonna wake up. Was this reality? My heartbeat was in my ears, again. Was this gonna be a continuing occurrence? 

"At this also, my heart trembles and leaps out it's place." - Job 5:7

The doctor introduced herself, she also was Jamie.  I joined Lesa near her head as Jamie checked her. There was going to be no ultrasound, as I was expecting. either way I was honored to be there. Lesa and Jamie began to talk about birthing logistics, and when she would need to head to the doctor. Lesa introduced Jamie to me - when Jamie asked if I was a friend. I felt so priveldge. Especially by how Lesa did it. She was so confident, she was proud..of me...of her decision in us.  It was the first of many times Lesa would introduce me as the mother of her baby. Lesa then told her I would be in the room with her mom during delivery. Was this happening? We talked about it but to hear Lesa say it out loud was like making it crazy kind of weird.

After checking dilation and again joking about her mismatched socks, it was the moment of truth, more me anyway. I was going to hear him. It took a moment to find the heart beat, like slow motion. I prayed. My prayers were being heard in heaven..I could hear God whisper.."meet your son." I was silent, making sure I heard God correctly. Any worries of the health of baby boy or Lesa's legal right to change her mind, any that we're somewhere in my spirit, very quickly vanished with those words. Those words of truth and then, I heard my...son's....heart...beat...

He was in there...inches from me. I held it in as best I could only allowing the rims of my eyes to glisten - for those appeared before I could help myself. 

We finished the appointment with instructions on hospital bag and rescheduling. I would be returning with Lesa for her next appointment a week later, upon Lesa’s eager request. We embraced again. And I left to head to work. On the way I called Ben with details but he couldn't talk till his break. I parked and like a stopped up dam, I bawled.

Lesa and I texted throughout the day. I was able to call Ben with details at lunch. He was excited..like any man..keeping a monatone voice, I knew he was excited but he's a guy. I knew once he held that baby, he was gonna finally lose his cool.

That evening I came home. Ben had incredible news. God had provided. Insurance had sent us a check to cover ALL and MORE than we needed to fix the house. That night, exhausted, I fell asleep like a satisfied - well fed baby. In the morning, we would begin home renovations.

My faith was increasing! I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning encouraged. I was able to HEAR and SEE the Lord was GOOD. God had not tuned me out. He heard every prayer, Ben prayed over us... every night.

"So faith comes from hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ." Romans 10:17

What have you been tuning out? Do you live your life by what you hear, by what you heard or by what you keep hearing? God never stops giving us directions, so we should never stop listening.

When we listen, our faith grows and when our faith grows we will be able to recieve the promise. We become qualified to recieve it..entrusted to receive it...because were still seeking the Lord, not just what He can give us.

"Not Even By Happenstance" -Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

The night of Jan 23, 2011-- Time moved so slowly all night. I had so many things to think about. I was sure of them--Ben and Jamie were definitely the ones. It felt right, but my mind kept going over the lists that I had made. The pro's and the con's of giving him up.

My biggest fear--Divorce. What would I do if Ben and Jamie didn't stay together? I have seen so many couples fall apart. My mind tried to wage war on my peaceful soul. 

I knew that It was better to take a chance of giving up Charlie to two parents and give him that CHANCE of having a Dad, then to keep him and NEVER give him that Chance. 

"But I keep praying to you, LORD, hoping this time you will show me favor. In your unfailing love, O God, answer my prayer with your sure salvation." Psalm 69:13

After tackling my biggest concern, I dozed off in contentment.

Jan 24, 2011-- I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about what decision I was going to make. I strolled into the kitchen where my Mom was and I asked her what her thoughts were. We talked for a little bit and we shared comments about how perfect we thought Ben and Jamie were and how it would be hard to give up Charlie--but worth it.  

I knew I needed to meet with Jamie again, so I called her and asked if she wanted to get lunch. She said she could meet me around 4:30 I told her that I would be there as soon as I dropped off my car at the shop since it still had a flat and a broken out tail light. 

Meeting couldn't come soon enough. I was looking forward to just chatting and getting to know her. I was looking forward to confirmation that this was absolutely where Charlie needed to be. I felt like I had a split personality--my flesh and my spirit (which i didn't know at the time) but they were fighting... 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

I dropped my car off at the shop and realized I was running behind, so I asked my mom if she could drop me off at Mcalisters. She had to go to work and wouldn't be able to pick me up. I had no idea how I was going to get home, but I knew I couldn't miss out on this opportunity. 

As we pulled up to Mcalisters, I saw that Jamie was already inside waiting on me as I was late--like always. I came up to the booth she was sitting in and dropped off my stuff on the opposite side. I asked her what she ordered and she told me that all she got was a cookie. It sounded good, so I got a cookie as well and ordered a large sweet tea. 

I sat down across from her and we began talking. She was so polite and patient. We made small talk at first. After all I had been through with some fickle people giving me fake first impressions, I just needed to hear something real. She answered all my questions, no matter how seemingly insignificant they were,  and by doing that she showed me something that no one else had--respect. She valued me as a person. Not just my baby. I could see that she wanted me to be just as comfortable with the adoption as I could possibly be. 

She went on to pull out her lap top. I got out of my seat and sat right next to her as she continued to show me pictures of her house, her dog, and where the babies room would be if I chose her to be the mother. She had so much love. I could feel it when she talked and I could see it just by looking at the pictures. Here was a woman that was destined to be a mother. 

As I got more comfortable with her, we started realizing that we had a lot in common. We talked about writing and doing crafty things. She was telling me about her blog and I told her about some of my poems that I had written. I told her about the poem I wrote about my confusion with this adoption and then about the first time I encountered Jesus. 

After talking and laughing for almost two hours, she smiled real big, squished her face and her voice was a softer tone, and she looked me straight in the eyes and asked "Are you going to choose us? Are you going to choose Me?"  I looked back at her shyly and answered with "If you want him, yes, I want you two to be his parents." She couldn't stop smiling and neither could I. I thought when I told her that she was the one that would be crying, but it wasn't anything that I have ever felt! 

"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor." 1 Peter 5:6

It was such a joyful moment. I have never felt so much confidence in a decision. I know that it wasn't by chance that we heard about each other. 

I remember something she said to me... the thing that touched my heart the most... When she came over to hug me--in a huge-bear-wrap-kind of hug--she said "Even if we weren't having your baby, you and I would be good friends." 

I asked her to drive me to my car and I am so glad she said yes. I didn't want to leave. I could spend all day with her. On the drive back to my car, I couldn't think of anywhere I would rather be and I thanked God for placing all the right pieces in all the right places.

God has the ability to answer our prayers, and the authority to say no and the righteousness to know we must wait. We all have things we desire exact answers to... Do you find yourself in a place of trust and faithfulness despite the answer? Do you act in response to it or in pursuit of it?

"So be truly Glad. There is wonderful Joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." 1 Peter 1:6

"Not Even By Happenstance" - Jamie's Take

January 24, 2011

My husband and I were confident and faithful. We knew that God had ordained us for this and much more in our lives and we were honored to be on the journey. It was Monday, the day after meeting Lesa. We we're working in the church office when my phone rang. It was Heather. In a ball of fury and excitement she began talking without any formal introductions, she went straight in. Explaining that she had found out from Lesa's mom at work that they loved us and that Lesa wanted to pick us! My heart flopped - as if jumping from one side of my chest to the other and back again. Ben was not in our office, but rather in the hall and so I called him in. Well I more like yelled him in. 

We talked briefly in hopes to fill Ben in too. Then, said our hopeful and excited good byes. 

What! This is insane! But I have to hear from her. In Heather's excitement she told me but it was more for Lesa to do herself, and Heather knew that. I would of done the every same thing and I wouldn’t wanted to find out any other way. 

We still needed to hear from her. Ben and I, along with our friend, went to lunch. Where we again filled the conversation with the adoption and figuring out baby names. I couldn’t believe it all. I was picking out baby names that were actually going to a baby, that was gonna be born very soon, our baby! 

Again, I still needed her to tell me. I needed her to call me. 

Back at work. As I was printing some lessons. My phone, that was setting on top of the printer, so I couldn’t miss any calls, rang. 

I was Lesa. She asked how I was and if we could meet her somewhere in Nixa, this evening. We chose a meet-in-the-middle soup and sandwich spot and figured a time. I let her know Ben was attending a pre-committed event with some youth and wouldn't be able to come, she was fine with that and we said our goodbyes. I was sweating! I ran all over the church dancing...and going crazy. Within minutes all of my coworkers knew, I think my dancing gave it away. 

I went home and showered and got in my best 'I'm a cool, but chill, but very responsible and incredible mom outfit'. I packed my computer, full of all our pictures and headed to Nixa. 

I ordered a tea and a cookie to bring home to Ben and sat down. Lesa was having car issues and I had to wait for her mom to take her to meet me. When she arrived I gave her a hug and she went to order. When she sat back down we started short conversation. I felt like the questions she was asking were more on the side of making me feel like she just wanted to get to know me rather than tell me something. 

As the conversation went on I began to wonder if she wasn't sure or that she would wait a bit longer or for Ben to be around before she ever officially said anything. She was being vague. I showed pictures of our home and what would be the baby room. She moved to my side of the booth, and we shared some more pictures. She then began sharing with me some things she's written in her notes section on her social network site. She could write. I remember being close to her, not in a weird way, but I recall that the nearness of her felt right. My son in her belly, and the one sustaining his life, right next to me. I just wanted to hug her and never let go. I wanted her to feel her worth and my gratitude through my embrace. I felt the presence of God so indescribably much. As if all was right in the world. I knew it was divine. Ben wasn’t suppose to be there. This level of intimacy and closeness would not have happened otherwise. 

She moved back to her side and we began to talk adoption. She told me her story, from when she found out to her first months, to the birth father, to the first family she considered for adoption then to us. I froze, my heart missed beats..

She took some sips of her tea and then kind of just stopped talking. As if she was done, but wasn’t. As if her lips couldn’t say what her heart wanted, what my heart wanted. She looked down at the table then up and me and kind of chuckled uneasy, then back down at her cookie to break off a piece. 

I couldn't resist.."are you giving us your baby?" 

I wanted to claspe my hands to my mouth.. But before I regretted my outspokenness, with glimmer in her eyes, she smiled and said,"if you want him, yes, I want you two to be his parents."

........I got up and practically jumped over the table between us and embraced her. I couldn't believe it but I could at the same time. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 

"But I pray to you, Lord,

in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

answer me with your sure salvation." Psalm 69:13 

I was gonna be a mother and Ben was gonna be a Father. God was good! We chatted a bit longer and she asked if I could take her to her car that was at a shop near us. Of course! I was willing to take her to the moon and back! She also extended the invite to go to the doctors appointment the next day. My jaw dropped. This was all happening! This was legit! 

We laughed in the car and as I dropped her off I hugged her again. I made sure she was in her car and moving before I drove off. I called Ben in tears and could tell he too was amazed and grateful. When he spoke he was a bit choked up. This was all happening. 

Lesa and I had exchanged numbers before parting and began texting throughout the evening. We were all excited. This was developing right in front of us and we were there for the ride. It was though this whole thing was finally rising...from so much pain and hurt..promises were being fleshed out and hope was evident! 

"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor." 1 Peter 5:6

My sister came to our house that evening, as I drove in after just meeting with Lesa. She brought with her a little baby bath robe, she picked up on her way. She was quick. Our son’s first gift. My sister and I - with Ben's reluctant approval headed to mall to get one outfit to celebrate. Everything would probably already be closed, however, I couldn’t wait. 

God has the ability to answer our prayers, the authority to say no, and the RIGHTeousness to know we must wait. We all have things we desire exact answers to.. Do you find yourself in a place of trust and faithfulness despite the answer? Do you act in response to it or pursuit of Him? Be enduring..we never know when the promise will come or in what form.. But it is and will always be better and more abundant than we planned, dreamed or hoped for! 

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." 1 Peter 1:6 

We must endure to truly be qualified for what is entrusted to us!

"Underneath a Radical God" - Lesa's & Jamie's Take

--Lesa's Take--

January 23-- After a long night of no sleep and Charlie kicking me in the ribcage, I remember waking up being so excited to go to church.. I was excited because I knew that AFTER church, I would be meeting up with Jamie and Ben.

 I was going to New Life With my Sister that morning... just checking it out.  I had been to a few churches and it was getting mentally exhausting. I knew I loved Jesus, but I didn't fit in. I was 8months pregnant, out of wedlock, and single with an "unforgivable" past. Every time I would raise my hands to praise the one who gave me life, I was stared at--I was a misfit, But my spirit was hopeful.

They were so great at New Life, I didn't get any weird stares and I remember sitting in the back of the Church, eating a huge double chocolate chip muffin and feeling as if I had just drank 17 cups of coffee. I was just so jumpy inside. What was I so antsy about? Why couldn't I even pay attention to the message?!  I just kept looking at the clock, watching as time passed... waiting very impatiently for Church to be out.

As soon as it was over, we bolted. Kayla and I walked briskly to my car.... just to find that one of my tail lights had been busted.  I wondered who would bust out someone's tail light at a church, but then I thought I was over reacting and that my tail light was busted out the whole time and I didn't notice it. We decided to ignore it and I asked my sister to drive...(I hate driving--and I hate it even more when I am huge and uncomfortable)...

As soon as she began to drive, something didn't feel right. Their seemed to be more bumps and a weird sound coming from the back drivers side. I looked at her and let out a little chuckle. What just happened? Why was my car moving like a turtle?  She rolled down her window and looked back. Sure enough, My tire was completely flat... I'm talking, pancake flat.

I didn't want to be late to panera, but there was no way we could drive there with a tire THIS bad. So we  drove 15mph to the closest Gas station.... and then called my mom.

My Mom was already at Panera Bread. I wasn't sure if she had already seen Jamie or Ben at this point. She said she would come and get us. I almost didn't want her to leave because I didn't want Jamie and Ben to think we weren't coming. I got worried that this first impression wouldn't be ideal. I was thinking that if we were late, they wouldn't like us.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. "As the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

My mom pulled up and we jumped into her car. We started driving and I started silently panicking. What were they going to be like? Would they like me? Would they think I was a bad person and not want me to be around Charlie? Would they love him if he wasn't healthy? Would they try to make it look like they "rescued" this baby from awful people? Why did I want to be loved by them when they were just going to adopt my baby? Why did I feel the need for them to love me as if I were family?

I looked out the passenger window.... "I know God, my expectations are too high. I should trust you."

We pulled up to Panera. This was The moment of truth-- The heart turning, churning, aching, burning, moment of truth! It seemed like the door was a million miles away through the parking lot. I wondered if they were looking out... if they saw me. Would I look okay to them? Would they see me and want to get up and leave? Why did I have doubts!!!?

We walked in and saw them and made quick introductions, my sister and I headed straight to the counter to order our food. I was starving but at the same time, I was just anxious and not hungry. I ordered something just because I knew baby Charlie needed to be fed... and because I didn't want to be awkward.

I kept looking around the restaurant.  I watched Jamie. Her and Ben were directly behind a wall that was behind us. Jamie had reddish brown hair and a distinct apprehensive smile on her face. I could tell she was just as nervous as I was. Oddly, this calmed me down a bit.

Then I saw Ben. He looked so gentle and unmoved. He looked as if he could just perceive everything with a clear mind. I felt that he would be harder to win over... because he would want it to be just right.

It's amazing how first impressions can be so misleading.

My Mother, My sister and I sat down. I sat across from Jamie, and Ben was at the end of the Table.  I asked Jamie what I thought was a dumb question--the first thing that came out of my mouth... "is that all your eating?" She smiled at me anyway--not looking at me like I lacked intelligence--answering with "Yeah, I'm not that hungry."

After that we proceeded into talking about more dense things. My sister seemed to be asking a lot of questions. I was trying to keep it light hearted because I knew I would have to tell them about what I did in the beginning of my pregnancy.

As I listened to them all chat about the future for My baby, I realized that this decision couldn't be made no matter how many questions they answered "right."  I had to ask God.

"So, My dear Christian friends, companions in following this call to the heights, take a good hard look at Jesus. He's the centerpiece of everything we believe, faithful in everything God gave him to do. A builder is more valuable than a building anyday. Every house has a builder, but the Builder behind them all is GOD. Moses did a good job in God's house, but it was all SERVANT work, getting things ready for what was to come. Christ as Son is in Charge of The House." Hebrews 3:1 (MSG)

So I sat quietly, trying to listen to my spirit. Trying to hear that voice that talked to me a few times prior this encounter. Then, I felt a stirring to ask one question--the only question that truly mattered to me.

"Ben, how do you feel about having a Baby?"

I saw his eyes light up. I could tell that HE KNEW, or something inside of him KNEW that he wanted a baby--and he wanted my baby. The love again came and swept me off my feet. I was Hearing Jamie and Ben speak, but I was watching the spirit pour from them. It scared me, they were perfect.

"How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God! How vast in Number they are!" Psalms 139:17

At the end of the legalistic conversation and the talk about being able to see Charlie, I knew it was time to tell them the whole story. I felt my tongue get lodged in the back of my throat. My mouth was dry and my eyes wet. A tear rolled down my cheek as I began to tell of my heartache.

"What I did for the first months--I smoked meth. This baby could be effected by what I did. I can't forgive myself if he is not okay. I don't know why I did what I did, but I couldn't stop. I am sorry for what I did. I just want to know if you will love him if he is "Special." "

For some reason, I don't think I was just asking them to love my baby if he was special needs-- I think I was asking them for forgiveness. I was asking for comfort. I was asking for understanding.

Their love never failed, never budged.

They looked at each other, then at me. In all seriousness, they said they would love Charlie no matter what. I felt comfort and I knew they were the ones. I knew they would be able to comfort Charlie like this for all of his life and I couldn't ignore the fact that God used them to heal my heart and in doing so, He showed me that they would always be there to heal his.

May God, the source of hope, fill you with joy and Peace through your faith in him. Then you will overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

How RADICAL God is--that He would consider us worthy of this journey. God does consider YOU worthy--When your adopted--you are given EVERYTHING you will NEED to overcome... and you WILL feel gratitude when you find yourself in the center of God's will.

"Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks.7Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable. Practice what you’ve learned and received from me, what you heard and saw me do. Then the God who gives this peace will be with you." Phillipians 4:6-9

"Underneath a Radical God" - Jamie's Take

January 23rd, a Sunday..

Ben and I were up early, we didn't sleep well. All night we talked about what we would say if asked certain questions..gathering our bearings and making sure we were on the same page and that we articulated as a team. We headed to the church even earlier than usual to pray before the rest of staff got there and then we set up for kids church.

Ben led kids worship and games both services so that I could be in worship. Love that man. I went to just drown all the emotions and have a moment to just give all that was about to happen to God. I felt His incredibly indescribable peace all around me. I couldn’t believe this was God's way, His idea of growing our family. I was honored and I was ready, so was Ben. 

Because this was becoming more of a reality - Ben’s emotional investment was increasing, ten fold. 

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord." Isaiah 55:8 

"Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest." Hebrews 3:1 

I just remember that this day, Ben was different. I looked at him different from any other time before. He was hopeful. He was going to be a dad. 

We got to Panera really early and sat in our car. Peering out the window at every car that pulled up and for the first time in a long time, talking about how we felt. 

I asked Ben to pray. We prayed. We wanted to be so real - not presenting any false pretenses. 

We saw her mom pull up..for some reason, I can't remember how we knew it was her. She explained that Lesa and her sister were having car problems and that she was going to get them. So we went inside and waited. Our hearts were beating so hard, so much I'm sure the people next to us could see our veins pump. We were silent..but eager. My face was flushed. I was so hungry but I didn't order anything but a tea. 

Then, after what seemed like an eternity, I saw her.

Lesa.

She was so...perfect. She waddled in and I couldn't take my eyes off her. Ben introduced us and I just starred at her. We sat in the middle of the restaurant, Ben and I moved tables together while her, her mom and sister ordered. The whole time praying under my breath. We sat waiting for them to sit down. Looked around at everyone as if in slow motion, taking in every detail, in their Sunday routine. To them this was a seemingly regular Sunday, to us a day in history, a defining moment. This day was going to be remembered and no one around us had a clue. Our heartbeats were in our ears. 

They sat down. 

As Lesa sat down it was with such relief. She was so little carrying so much more than her baby. I could feel her concern, I could feel her many thoughts and I could feel her pain. There was one more thing I could feel and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Her sister talked most of the time, dominating the conversation with what they were looking for in a mother and father and what they wanted as far as the adoption. Her mom would cut in to clarify with a more gentle approach to let us know they weren't expecting weekly visits or anything extreme. 

Then Lesa spoke, starting with a chuckle, as if to make the conversation light, communicating what she wanted for her baby, with such tenderness..as if not to offend anyone or scare us away.

After a series of questions answered; such as how we felt about having the adoption open, and possible baby names. With my more dominant and controlling personality, I answered most of the question, while still looking at Ben as to confirm it was a mutual decision. Lesa would laugh lightly and I was just mesmerized by her strength. 

The she did something unexpected. She had the floor, she looked over at Ben and asked, with much seriousness, how he felt about having a kid. Ben sat up and looking at me then turning to her, he told her his heart. How he always wanted kids, even before me, that he's totally committed and would love more than anything to have her baby. As I listened to Ben I fell more in love with him, as I peered across the table I found three other woman in admiration of such a honest and strong man. I couldn't believe it, the man of few words, had just captured the hearts of women desperate for a perfect solution. I couldn't of been more proud of Ben. I couldn't of said it better. This moment couldn’t have been better scripted. Without skipping a beat, this young man captivated the hearts of these women with his genuine words and his godly plan to raise the young boy to play ball (if he wanted to) and love Jesus. 

From that moment on, I remained speechless. Ben revealing his heart like that, allowed even him to more realize his true desire to be a father. From that his confidence and passion for this hopeful, promising reality spurred him to take control of the answering. 

After some more give in take, talking about paternity and waiving rights..more of the legal stuff. Lesa was quiet, she had one more thing to say, as if it was the worry..the thing I could feel from her the whole time. 

She spoke softly, looking at her mother, then her belly, rubbing it tenderly as the words came out.."There is one more thing you guys should know...when I was first pregnant, I was on drugs. I was not living for God and I was using meth." 

I was unshakable. I didn't blink..neither did Ben. In fact I was a bit concerned that I wasn’t phased. Then Ben sits up as if to position his words with authority, only to say...

”That's okay..that does not effect our desire for this child any less.”

Relieved and with some appreciative silence, we move to lighter more irrelevant topics.

We began to say our good byes shortly after. As I pushed out my chair the need for me to touch her, to be near her was irrefutable. I had to hug her before I could walk away. I even believe I told her I'd love to give her a hug if that was okay. She concurred. And I embraced her. I wanted to stay forever with her. 

As we walked out of the restaurant we exchanged numbers and left. 

When Ben and I entered the car we were speechless. That just happened. And it couldn't of been more perfect. God was there. I knew it, Ben knew, she had to of felt it. It was the first time ever, in my entire life, that I wished I would of said something more or different. God had gone before us in that meeting and He equipped us entirely. 

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!" Psalm 139:17 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 

Later that day I began to notice her "add request" on Facebook and her "likes" on our pictures, statuses and such. I just kept seeking God's presence. I just wanted to be near Him and His goodness, knowing in my heart of hearts that I was giving Him all the glory. In this season of anticipation I found so much joy. I felt like I was revived from a coma and couldn't believe the life God was giving me to travel. 

Something was happening. Both Ben and I could sense it, which only heighten our anticipation. We were so excited to be apart of it, but more than anything we were honored and humbled. God was so radical, that He would consider us worthy of this journey. (Philippians 4:6-9) 

God does consider you worthy - When you're adopted - you are given everything you will need to overcome. And you will feel gratitude when you find yourself in the center of God's will.