Is it You?

Walk to church every Sunday
and I put on my favorite dress
I lift my hands the best I can
but who do I impress

Is it you?

Oh, is it you?

Is it you that I'm choosing...
or is it me?
Is it me
that I'm losing?
yeah.

Different disaster
Seems like the same day
I knock on wood...
it happens anyway.

but... is it you?

Is it you that I'm choosing
or is it me?
Is it me
that i'm losing?
yeah.

All my friends have turned to foe
round and round we always go
all these circles
I'm not walking
They are found around my eyes

So pull the strings from my puppet hands
I'm tired of them making me dance
if it's not for you....

if its not for you....

Than it's just...not...true.

Confessions of a Meth Addict

I hesitated to put "meth" in the title, as if calling the drug something else would make it easier to stomach. There in lies the problem.

The drug is not offended when I call it by name. In fact, even when I say it, it still feels like it never happened.

 It feels as though that part of my life melted away...

But the damage... The damage to my body is still so very obvious....and  the damage I see it causing in others is so very obvious.

As a former user, I am not oblivious to the fact that I know some people that still use. They call for help, like I used to... in such a subtle way that very few... unless experienced themselves... would ever recognize. Or unless bold, would ever confront.

Those of us who have been addicted know what it's like to live tormented. We know what it's like to feel desperate. We know what it's like to feel alone. We know what it's like to feel like "the world owes us something."

So when someone challenges us, or attempts to take away the only thing that veils us from that which we are so desperately trying to avoid, we get angry. We get defensive. This is our "fun."

Even though we want to tell them the truth, even when we want to say, "YES, I AM AN ADDICT. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME." We don't first want to believe it ourselves... even if it is true.

The unknown in saying that is so scary.

What will I do if I give this up? Will I be able to pick up the pieces of my life that I've already wasted away? Will I be able to make it through the detox? Would I truly be able to change? Am I even deserving of anything but this? What will I do for fun? What will happen to all my friends?

A lot of us don't want to admit it. We know that someone knows the truth but we STILL try to hide it. We find it comforting when they go away... but then wallow "wishing someone cared enough" to help us.

It breaks my heart.

After almost five years of being clean, I am just now starting to see the full amount of damage I've done to myself... but it's not undoable.

Everything that has been broken, can again be renewed. It's scary. It's not an easy threshold to cross: From addict, to Freedom.

It's not always seen that way.... But why is it that when every addict finally goes to bed, or comes down, and it's just them ....alone.... depression sets in? We were never meant to live constantly running away from ourselves.

Sometimes, we just liked to call ourselves  "recreational drug users," but at WHAT POINT are we honest enough with ourselves to know that we don't want to live life without it?

There are a few of us that can maintain a front...for a while. We can do well in school, we can eat like normal, we can even go to our jobs and act like nothing happened...

But why submit yourselves to imperil. ANY drug is like a wolf.

A wolf may appear thirsty, so we go to give it some water. However, you will not receive appreciation. For indeed the WOLF is HUNGRY and will not politely drink, instead will ravingly devour. The fool thinks they have control when they are really consumed. The fool is the one who believes himself invincible.

As humans, we are not interested in torment until it reaches an undeniable depth that only then peaks our curiosity. When we see someone fall so hard or commit suicide, it is only then that we want to extend a hand.

We rarely see things in the beginning because of our own ignorance. Just like the addict wants to escape and be found; the helper wants them to be found but without being their escape.

All those times I thought I was living, but now I know what it's like to truly be alive.

If you or someone you know, needs anything. PLEASE reach out to me; either by phone or Facebook.... I'm desiring to pray for you or your friends.

417-812-3903  

A Reason not to read your bible

There is a thirst I have that cannot be quenched. An immeasurable hunger that cannot be filled. 

But who that thirsts gives away their water, and who that hungers gives away their food? 

My mouth has spoken that which I now witness with my eyes. I am just as guilty. 

I've seen it too much. Those of us who have heard a message or a good word and say,"this would have been perfect for so-and-so." As if them hearing it would correct some kind of behavior we don't agree with. 

Why do we read our bible for someone else before reading it for ourselves? We often read our bibles to change someone else instead of challenging our own faith. 

Why do we post scripture to condemn? Even the enemy used scripture to make others feel low. But Jesus came that we may have life and life more abundantly. 

There are words the world speaks to each other to hurt one another. Those words can only go so deep.

But we people can be so brutal. We have a power that few of us truly understand the magnitude of. For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

When we post scripture to prove our own agenda and disprove someone else's, we not only ATTACK someone mentally, we attack them spiritually. 

The Word is meant to carve out the deep human nature roots that we have embedded in ourselves, it was never meant to be used as a weapon against each other. 

With social media, it is easy to post a Scripture with someone else in mind. 

However, I ask are we posting it to attack the way someone else is acting or to attack how someone had hurt us? Or are we posting to benefit the people around us and show the grace and forgiveness that Jesus showed us when he gave himself for us on the cross? 

Jesus loves us and cares for us deeply. He desires for us to look inward and seek His will for our lives. 

Jesus is not our "Teacher," he is our Savior that directs our future, forgives our past, and guides our present. 

The Words we speak are an overflow of OUR heart. They should reflect our imperfections not reflect others. 

The word is a lamp to our feet. It doesn't say use the word as a lamp for your neighbors feet. 

Inscrutable Forgiveness

As I consider the consequences of writing this blog, I also understand that those reading it do not know, but suspect the following. It is not in shame I write this letter, but it is in power.

Darkness cannot hide if it is exposed by the light. Lies cannot hide when they are exposed by the truth. I continue to share the deepest parts of my life, the hardest, ugliest parts of OUR  life because I know that even if those reading this decide to 'cast stones', Jesus is Lord and He is the forgiver of even the sins we think unfathomable and unforgivable.

Recently, I wondered if I was too far gone. In my radical redemption, I found pride. It's not every day that a meth addict, sex addict, and chaotic person just changes over night. And In pride, I found The Fall.

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11

When we are saved, the holy spirit comes and dwells within us. We start to listen and hear the spirit as it guides us through our daily lives. There is nothing that can take away His spirit in us. Nothing can separate us. NOTHING. So, than what power does the enemy have over us? 

The enemy knows he cannot touch the blood of the lamb, however, we are deceived when the enemy attacks the word of our testimony. He whispers in our ears knowing he cannot have our spirit, but that doesn't mean he cannot battle in our mind--It doesn't mean he doesn't invite his filth back into our thoughts. When the enemy gets control of our thoughts, he digs deep, and plants his seeds.

When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, 'I will return to the person I came from.' So it returns and finds its former home empty, swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before." Matthew 12:43-45

Each seed develops the more we water it. They grow and grow until they create an emotional, destructive war on anything that is good. We stop finding joy. We stop seeking peace. The world begins to look so different, so dark.

The enemy has one purpose and one purpose only: To steal, kill, and destroy. 

I would find myself awake at night, crying over the choices I'd made. Shame filled. Separated in my own mind from Jesus, finding myself constantly at his feet asking for forgiveness, but picking back up my sin and walking in it.

Satan promises the world. He says, "Take a bite, I will show you things you need to know. I will TEACH you things, I will GIVE you things." 

Thirsty as I am for knowledge and thirsty as everyone is for worldly possessions, he knew I would bite. I received more than I bargained for. It was as if in that moment I was no longer myself. It was as If I was an outsider looking into my own life and screaming for it to stop. The enemy is relentless, a roaring lion that given the chance, will devour. My state of mind got so bad that I contemplated taking my own life. 

Only two weeks ago, did it finally stop. I'd been calling out for help. I stopped posting photos of things I cared about hoping people would notice. I went to a small group so if I stopped going to church, maybe someone would realize I wasn't there and they would come and save me. I asked continuously for Austin to seek for us marriage counseling. I called my best friend and said, "I can't do this on my own." 

It is nearly impossible to describe the torturous thoughts I was having. And even now the enemy taunts me saying, "You have been unfaithful, there is no coming back from that. You have been a liar, a thief, and no one is going to believe that it was anyone other than you."

The more the enemy talks, the more He exposes himself. As a Church, we are pointing our fingers at the wrong thing. We try to make sense of the physical when the battle lies in the spiritual. 

Austin and I have been going through a very difficult time. We are newly healing. Healing our marriage and healing our minds. While it sounds crazy, I received deliverance and the moment I awoke from the seemingly drunken, uncontrollable, rage...My eyes were open again. I'm free. 

Every day since then, I am constantly reminded of this scripture: 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

In everything that we do, especially the SMALL things. Resist the Devil. Understand that He has no power and no place in your life. Don't give in to his lies.  The consequences aren't worth it. The choices we make when we follow the enemy lead to death, heartache, and fear. 

IF ANYTHING, KNOW THIS... It is not how much we love God that can save us, but it is how much HE loves us. 

There is no fear in love, but full-grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and so he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love. We love HIM, because He FIRST LOVED US.  

I stepped away from writing, I stepped away from my mission, because I knew I could not continue to just pretend everything was okay when it wasn't. 

Even in my mistakes, my horrible choices I have made, I know that keeping silent is the last thing I should do. If no one is aware of the battle we face, then we are unequipped to fight. If we do not know our enemy, how can we know what we are being set free from? 

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5

Austin has been more than gentle and forgiving in knowing the pain we have both gone through. While He recognized his own sin and did not condemn me for mine, we decided together that we wouldn't let the enemy win in our marriage. We have overcome and we will continue to fight. 

There is a beauty in knowing that we will never be perfect. There is beauty in pure, incomprehensible forgiveness. 

The Marriage Facade

 

   I hate this time period in our lives when everything is on the internet. Because Everything is not Truly "Everything".

What we see are peoples lives from a distance. We see the image that they want us to see. We see the truths they want us to believe. 

It's like going on a first date... every day with someone...never getting to know them deeper...but only learning the GOOD. 

But what happened to the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

When it comes to marriage and divorce... with divorce turning into a mundane daily activity... why can we still not share the behind the scenes? 

When you get married, you are not only making it about you and the other person. Other people are watching you. Other people are invested: your families, your friends, your acquaintances. 

I'm not saying "stay in an unhappy marriage because of someone else" but I am saying that even if you don't want to put your drama on Facebook or any other social media... don't keep posting like everything is just fine. 

What are you saying to the people younger than you? That marriage is easy? That its all fun and then boom one day... it just "doesn't work?" 

I don't feel like those of us getting married are fully equipt to be married when no one is willing to share the hard parts. The ugly Parts. The parts that you have to fight through. Not just the loving sweet parts--which may be few and far in between.

"For when I kept silent,  my bones wasted away. Through my groaning all the day long." Psalm 32:3

If we want to change a habit... or an outcome of generations...than we have to be bold enough to speak aloud what we are keeping silent.

Is a secret really worth keeping if on the inside it is killing you and causing others to have false hope?

The enemy only has power over whats in the dark. It's time we stop giving him that power over our relationships.

There is no healing when there is no honesty.

Message me. I'd love to pray over your relationship or your marriage. There's no shame in asking for help. In fact, when two people can't get through a hard time...remember that a "Three Cord Strand is Not Easily Broken." 

When we withhold talking about the struggles that we go through, we also withhold showing the world how the power of Jesus brought us through them. 

Confessions of a Tyrant

I am no relationship expert. In fact, I used to go around breaking hearts just for the fun of it. To a lot of us that have been scarred, it's easy to get cold. 

Truthfully, in our recklessness, we get some sort of sick "happiness" out of watching someone else suffer the way that we did. After all, no one wants to be alone. 

That means that it's true that even in madness and chaos, someone will try to bring you where they are so that they aren't alone in their hurt. 

It's never personal. The person in the relationship doing the hurting is not doing it to make you feel low, but to make them feel high. There is nothing that you are doing to cause it. The sickness of the unhealthy relationship isn't found in your own soul, but in the one that feels betrayed. Like all sickness though, it will spread. 

I've been in abusive relationships. I've also been the abuser in relationships. I've seen both sides. It's not where anyone wants to be, but it's where we often times find ourselves. 

Relationships are delicate. It takes one break to damage the rest of them. It takes one break to feel insecure, self-conscious, and doubtful that you will ever truly be able to give your heart to anyone again the way you gave it away the first time. 

The first person we love will always be the person that we gave everything to without fear, without looking for it to fail, and without hesitation. When we fall from cloud 9, we continue down the path of searching for a love like the first, without wanting to take the risk again. 

Without risk, love isn't possible.

In all certainty, if you don't love yourself first, than you have no love to give anyone else. If you find that you are lost in the madness, don't take people there with you. Focus on you. 

What is it YOU need to be happy? If you can't answer the simple question, than you are not ready to be in a relationship. If you don't know what makes you happy, you will look at your partner to fulfill you and it will never be enough.

We all have our baggage. Are we trying to give it to someone else  or work through it with someone else? 

Everyone has a story. But everyone has the same opportunity-to grow from their past, to learn from their mistakes, and to be a victor instead of a victim. 

In the eyes of a victim, everyone is out to hurt them. Every action, every word, every effort from their lover is done in vain. A victim is looking for a hole to be filled by the efforts of another instead of seeking a way to fulfill themselves. Happiness is unfathomable. There is never a recollection of what someone has done, but rather the mind set of "what have you done for me lately?" Their emotions are immediate and they react without thinking. 

In the eyes of a Victor, they know their self-worth. They are secure in their position. They look at the positive in every circumstance, take responsibility for their actions without blame, and think before they say and act. Happiness is found daily because it's in the small things. They don't seek approval because they know who they are. They are grateful for the gifts they are given and wake up looking at the opportunities that await them. 

Recognize that YOU are a VICTOR. 

While, I've been hurt and have hurt others, I know that there is no escape from yourself. 

Be who you want to be because it is yourself who you will spend the most time with. 

Listening to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri


"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Confessions of a Backslider

 "For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet, God freely and graciously declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." Romans 3:23-24

I've been on a journey the last few months...Undedicated to the things I once was on fire for. But I asked for it.

There are no regrets that I have, and honestly, while I've found myself looking through the lens of shame, I've realized it is not a lens that God wants us to see life through. 

I say that I "asked for it" because as a new Christian, I've only known the goodness of God. I've only known the mercy that He gives and the blessings that He provides from an obedient heart. However, as we start to walk deeper into a relationship with him... things that were once simple and clear can easily become muddled and overcomplicated.

 I used to say "I don't understand how ANYONE can be depressed when they know God. I don't understand why ANYONE would turn away from him." I believe God wants us to have understanding...

When my relationship with Christ is no longer about Him and I... it turns into a relationship that relies on me being with Him for other people.

 It is no longer a relationship that is going to be healthy or solid. In fact, it is no longer a relationship that has any passion or drive, but begins to burn on the fire that other people feed with their words, their actions, and their view of my  words and actions.

Eventually, the flame is fed the wrong words, poisoning what was once thriving. Because the flame is being fed by people and not the Holy Spirit, inside it starts to be put out.

It's not all at once though. The first lie comes slyly... first asking us to Walk away from the Body.

The enemy attacks in a very "subtle" way saying, "It's okay if you miss church this week. They want so much out of you. They expect a perfect person. You can't give them that right now. It's okay, go back again when you get your life together."

Since that flame inside of you is reliant on other people, this makes sense. Church is no longer about me wanting to go or about me enjoying praising with other people, but about other people judging you...waiting for you to mess up...

There's a jealousy. A sickness in the Church... when someone seemingly walks closer to Jesus than someone else. We become targets instead of saints. Instead of being encouraged we get torn down. When the relationship is already dwindling, this is the last motivation that the enemy needs to keep you out of the doors that were once a refuge.

The second lie comes in stronger than the first. 

"You don't need to read your word. It just makes you feel bad. God can't be close to someone who sins so much. Remember the bricks that get built up. Remember that He turns his back on sin. So how can he look at you? Don't read your Word. Don't you want to be happy? He can't talk to you right now. He's ashamed of you."

The judgement you felt from other people is now shifted from just other people to the very God you found your sanity in. Not only did you turn from the body, but now you are turning away from the Head.  There is no more dangerous place to find oneself...

Once the Head is completely detached, you are no longer living. There is nothing left of you. You have been isolated. People reach out, but through the lens of defeat, everyone looks like the enemy. 

When the third lie hits, it hits the hardest. 

"See, you don't go to church, you don't read your bible. You don't even listen to worship music anymore. YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON THAT YOU USED TO BE." 

Nothing. Nothing in the world. Nothing on Heaven or on Earth will make you feel any smaller than believing the lie that you are the same person that you used to be.

All the progress. All the mistakes it took to get where you are. All the victories. All the Wins and Here we sit.... LOST.

LOST.

LOST.

Seemingly, just like before.

 You know what.... God never stops pursuing you. He never stops crying out. He never stops reaching.


"Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach. 2 This made the Pharisees and teachers of religious law complain that he was associating with such sinful people—even eating with them!

3 So Jesus told them this story: 4 “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? 5 And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. 6 When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" Luke 15

There is nothing that will ever separate you from the love of Christ. No sin. No mistake. No person. 

Even if we have turned away from God, He will never turn his back on us. 

Let your relationship be for HIM and watch as He changes your heart back to HIM. Don't do it for other people, do it for you & realize that He uses everything for GOOD. 

There is no such thing as "backsliding" because we are never moving backward. Time does NOT move backward...

God is providing to you an understanding that not everyone will receive if they live their whole life thinking they are perfect.

You are the sheep that He will Find & you are the Sheep that He rejoices over!

Inspired.

Mornings are my favorite.

I love waking up to see the sun rise & I love even more what it means...

It means it's a day that has new possibilities.

New opportunities.

New Moments.

There is never a day that is the same.

Every morning that the sun comes up, you have a chance to make the best of it.

Don't waste a breath thinking about what you could've, should've, would've done.

Live in the now. Expect great things.

Tomorrow is gone, today is all that matters.

Change Won't Come

There is no escaping controversial issues.  

 They are literally overwhelming. While the bigger issues create a larger media pool, I find that they should never have been put on a pedestal in the first place. 

I get it. We want change. There are things in the world that have to change... But it won't come the way we are doing it.... and if it does, and it comes from hate.... it won't be how we wanted it. 

Honestly, after seeing the movie Selma it made me realize how change comes. It doesn't come from a place of fear, and it certainly doesn't come from a place of selfishness or ulterior motives. He stood on truth and the power of it. He did it so that the WORLD could be in harmony. 

Everyone wants to feel like they are a part of something and everyone wants to make a difference. However, in trying to do so, it's turned into hate vs hate. 

Religion Vs the World.   

God never intended for Religion to be against the world, just not OF the world. We got it twisted. As  believers we try to force our judgements onto those who don't think the same. We push and they push back. 

I'm sick of seeing it. It's the defensive attitude that creates chaos. At this point, I don't think it's really about people being gay, weed being legalized, or church being hateful... I think it's that we all are trying to PROVE A POINT that our way is the right way. 

Defending something the way that all of us are trying to do it... is erratic. We don't just try to defend our stance, but we take a jab at something that seems like it will prove our point further. But who are we trying to convince? 

Just stop. No one is going to win this way, it won't create change. It will only create division. All people want to do is be loved. So where is the reconciliation when the church cuts down it's brothers and sisters? Where is the change going to come when the rest of the world tells the church that they are being hateful? 

The world will spin on and if we want to truly change something while we are here on this earth. Stop  talking. Stop trying to defend something to the world when you are just trying to make yourself believe it. 

The truth always wins out. If we know that we are living right,  we don't have to talk about it-- just have to be it. Let the way that you live your life be all the defense you need and let your actions bring people together, not tear them apart. 

Not Good Enough

What makes us individuals? What truly makes us unique? 

The small things. Yeah, the small things. 

It amazes me how something can so quickly attach itself to our minds at just a glance. 

In highschool--and even in Junior high--I remember my friends and I writing notes back and forth to each other. When I would get a note that had great handwriting, I would try to mimic it. I got pretty good at taking other peoples handwriting and making it my own. 

I changed my writing style probably about a hundred times, trying to figure out which one I was meant to write like. But I could never do it as good at the original and I certainly couldn't take notes fast like the ones who truly owned the ability to write like themselves. 

It seems silly now, and every time I write, I think about it. I think about all the different people and the places I first saw their handwriting. 

That's just what people do. We watch other people. We are influenced by the way they dress, to the way they wear their hair, the way someone laughs, to the way they treat other people... down to even the little things.... like the way they write.

But, just like in handwriting, we are not them. We can never be them. We can never be as good as them at who they are. If we try, we may imitate it for a while, but then we will... get burnt out.

Why do we try so hard? Is it because we see all the compliments people get? Is it because we want to impress? And if we get that compliment that we have been working so hard for after copying someone else, is it truly worth it? 

Today, when I sat down to write a note to myself... I realized how important it is to just be CONFIDENT in who you are as a person. We can be so critical of ourselves.  My handwriting that I have now, I love it. It's me. It's funny how even your handwriting can change after you meet Jesus. 

So, here is my challenge for you:

I encourage you today to just sit down and write... write on paper. write with your favorite pen. Let your writing be an EXPRESSION of who you are.... Don't think about other people or their styles. Just let it flow from your hand gracefully. Because You will find that your handwriting is a gift... MEANT to be only YOURS. Realize that it's you who influences others, that YOU will help them to find who THEY are. 

Handwriting is more than just words on paper, it's your soul in ink. 

Confessions of a Harlot

 What can I say... the Word 'Slut' seems a bit inappropriate to put in a title...  But the reality is that four years ago... it was a seemingly permanent stamp on my soul.

While a lot of us can say we were promiscuous in high school and college, it's truly an understatement for the road I was traveling. Although, I don't want to bring to light details, I believe it's important to recognize the part of our self that we try to forget.

When you have multiple partners in life, thoughts of these people will always creep in. Thoughts you want to forget--especially once you have moved on...

 When I became a Christian and was baptized, I knew that all the dirt was gone--All the guilt, all the shame, all the filth that came with it.

However, when you go from living a life of no conviction into a long term relationship.... That blossoms into a marriage... how do you protect yourself from making mistakes? How do you protect yourself from something you want to forget?

The reason I bring this to your attention is because I believe that the enemy is trying so desperately to find himself in the middle of relationships. He wants to dig into the parts of our hearts that we try to cover up. The parts of our hearts that became new... but that we never truly faced.

Even though my story is radical. Even though I was saved from a drug addiction. Even though I was brought to freedom... there is a very deep root. A root that in the silent moments reminds me of what I once was.

When I look in the mirror I see it.

I can see it in my lips--lips burnt from meth, I can see it in my eyes--eyes that will sometimes appear lost, I can see it in my body--a body who had a baby boy out of wedlock. And unless I am consistently saturating myself in the Word, the root that I want more than anything to die, begins to grow.

I say all this to say that no MAN will ever satisfy the desires of your heart. We were never made for it to.

People always say that "women get married to change a man, and men get married to women that will remain the same person." I find flaws in this. I believe it opens the door for the enemy to  try to limit the power that God has in a relationship.

If the enemy can keep you from praying for change in your relationship, than he knows that he can get you to try to find change somewhere else.  Oh, you are bored with your marriage? The enemy says, "Here is another man that will feed your emotional need." Oh, that's not enough? The enemy says, "Here is a man that will feed your sexual needs."

Again, no one man is meant to fulfill you. The enemy knows this. That's why marriages fall apart from cheating spouses--emotionally and physically.

If we had one man that fulfilled all our needs, we wouldn't have the need to seek out the one who truly will. JESUS is the only thing that will meet every desire.

How can we truly believe the lie that our partners will never change, when Christ constantly changes things in our own hearts?

Even though the root is deep, the blood of Christ runs deeper.

Send it back

It's been a little while since I have sat down to write. In fact, I feel like I have lost touch with what it is exactly I'm even supposed to share anymore.  

In all honesty I've been keeping myself busy with business, trying to keep myself from getting stagnant. I'm afraid that I've kept myself out of my Word and my focus has been on all the wrong things. Until yesterday. 

Isn't it funny how God can use the seemingly "small details" of life to get your attention back? 

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I was desperate for a coffee. I just could not.wake.up!!!  It's been three days since I had a coffee as I've been trying to shake the 'Addiction'.  But I just needed it. I needed it bad. 

So, I asked austin to take me to starbucks (where he currently works) and to get me an iced coffee with caramel in it! Yummy!  I mean, if I was going to break my no coffee fast, I needed it to be well worth it. 

We go through the drive through and the lady hands us our order.  But... It wasn't right. It was bitter, milkless, and had some sort of funky flavor. I've never in my life had an iced coffee that tasted the way this coffee did. 

Not only was it the wrong coffee, but it was the wrong size. So austin asked the lady if she wouldn't mind making it the right size, thinking she would realize her mistake in making the wrong drink as well. Instead, she politely handed us two of the same drink. One large, one small. And said to keep them both. 

Austin drove away and we parked. I felt so bad! As much as I wanted to just be thankful for these coffees (1 free), my heart was anything but. I was CRAVING a good starbucks coffee and I always go for the consistency! They never fail me. 

I looked at austin and said, "can you please just go in there and tell her that this is the wrong drink?" 

He looked back at me, agreed with me that they were terrible, but disagreed that he should go ask for another one. 

While I understand why he didn't want to, I felt that the girl should know that the drink she made wasn't correct and that we appreciated the ones she gave us and just to politely correct our order. Heck, even throw in a five $ tip 👍! she was super nice and I knew she wouldn't mind. 

Austin refused to go in and said "let's just drink these." Soooo we drove off... Had to unfortunately dump the coffees (trust me, they were terrible) And I eventually got my coffee fix from mcd's, of all places. :/ 

While this seems ridiculous, so many of us will go to restaurants, diners, and coffee shops, make an order, and if it's wrong, we just say thank you and suck it up. 

While this may seem humble, it's truly not. No one wins in this situation. Sure, if it's something as easy as "scraping the ketchup or onions" off a burger, great! No biggie, but if it's entirely wrong? 

Now, don't get me WRONG, it's not about being PETTY. In fact, it's completely opposite. 

I believe that if we can't be courageous enough to ask for the small things that we don't think we deserve, we won't courageously come to Gods throne and ask for the big stuff...

See, It was never about the wrong drink, it's about being courageous enough to ask for the right one without losing the greatfulness behind the wrong one.

 

Always be thankful... and full of gratitude for what he has already given us, while asking fearlessly for what your heart desires..

If we can do it in the small things, we can do it in the big things. It takes bravery. And it takes remembering that:

 It has nothing to do with what we deserve but everything to do with what we are worth. 

And God thinks we are worth it. 

Sneak Peak Chapter: RECKLESS

   There's this homeless man I drive by everyday. He holds his sign and displays his change cup, hoping for someone to roll down their window and hold out their hand. Everyday, I do the same thing. Stop at the stop sign. Keep my eyes straight ahead. Tap my foot eagerly. And hit the gas as soon as traffic moves.

     I would like to say that I felt moved to give this man some change, but in my heart, I could hear God asking for more than just my money. I would like to say I listened to HIS voice. I would like to say that I changed this mans life, but the truth is that the opportunity passed me by.

      What God asked of me made me feel foolish. "Go, tell this man that Jesus loves him."

I wrestled with the cliche statement, feeling my cheeks burn like fire. "God, you know how silly I would sound telling this man that 'Jesus loves Him,' when I don't even have spare change. Why would he listen when I'm not even giving?"

     See, I always had a problem with Christians who tell needy people about God, yet do nothing to help them with their burdens. However, this moment, changed my opinion on how I secretly judged so many others. My heart opened to the fact that I was withholding the greatest gift we can give: hope.

Honestly, I would love to say I stopped and said these words, but I was tested and failed. This Created in me a new sense of what helping someone truly means, but it first required me to lay down my own agenda and give up how foolish I may look. It inspired in me, that I should be completely reckless for Jesus.

We all live reckless lives. We go day in and day out, making decisions without even thinking about what it might bring tomorrow. Without Jesus, a reckless life is just that. It brings with it unwanted drama, heartaches, and pain. When we don't think our decisions through, we aren't preparing for our tomorrow's, we are living in the pleasures of today. Yet, being reckless is a quality that can be used by God.

Reckless is a word that carries so many negative connotations--even the definition--shows why people are offended when called it. But this isn't the first time God has redefined something that the world took and tried to make nasty.  I want to be reckless for Jesus. In fact, I hope we all do.

     When he spoke to me, I overthought it. I tried to tell myself it would push this man away from Christianity, not closer to it. I remember a time I used to be zealous for God, I would speak about him no matter where I went or who it was to. I would go into a pack of wolves and get them to follow the Shepherd. That was when I was reckless.

     Unfortunately, We start caring too much about what people think. We recognize that we aren't any longer trying to fit a world mold, yet we try to fit a Christian mold. We were never meant to fit either, we were meant to fit into the mold of Jesus. The man who kicked it with the outcast. The man who healed on the Holy Day. The man who taught scripture in the streets. The man who recklessly gave his life for all of us. He wasn't thinking about the consequences, instead, he was immediately reacting in faith, thinking about us.

     We should want to be reckless for Jesus, because he was reckless when he died on the cross for you and I.

I never knew you.

I never knew you. But I hear about you.

Stories. 

I hear stories that are so beautiful.

Stories that are heart gripping.
Stories that are inspiring.

My mom knows one of your fathers. 

He speaks of You lovingly and rawly... 

So proud. 

Proud of how you have touched so many lives around you.  

My mom listens closely. 

Loving how passionate and how deep a father loves a young man. 

And even though you are gone.

Your memories go deeper than your families.

The thoughts of you still reach out. 

Still changes lives.

And isn't that... What we all are living for? 

I never knew you. But I hear stories. 

Stories that will change my life as I live it more intently. 

I never knew you. But... people will change how they use their time all
because of the time you were never given to use. 

This is in honor of you. 

Aftermath

When there is a tragedy, there is aftermath. Once the dust has settled, things are never the same. 

While Romans 8:28 has been my POWER verse this last week, last night I was having a hard time accepting the AfterMath. 

This car accident is a blessing. No doubt.  But I struggle having Austin wait on me hand and foot, I struggle taking medicine daily, I struggle knowing that this could be a lifelong pain in my lower back. It's hard... It's even harder when my heart feels heavy. 

I know these emotions are going to come and go. There's days I feel on top of the mountain and days I feel like I've been left in the deepest valley. The worst part is... Feeling like I'm dragging people down with me...people that rely on me. So I push myself. I don't have TIME to let go of life. I don't have TIME to just heal. 

But JESUS..... 

Yes... He reminds me... 

Yesterday, I got a free consult from an attorney. The attorney said he wanted to make sure we didn't get the bare minimum, because the bare minimum will  not cover future medical, and future lost wages. He said "I will get all the medical records, I will talk on behalf for you, I will do all I can and then at the end of it, help you walk away with EXACTLY what you need." 

I've never had to have my own attorney, fighting a battle that I hardly understand, yet he does. It's put a new spin on when people say JESUS is like our attorney. 

He doesn't only go to bat for us-for free- but he also understands why he has to defend us... Even when we don't. There's darkness and principalities that we fight, that we don't see. Jesus takes the enemy for all he has... Because what he had ... Was our soul. 

Jesus gets it. He does all the hard work. All we are asked to do, is trust him. And He will fight for us. Rely on him, and he will provide exactly what we need. 

Don't worry about tomorrow, even if it seems like it will never come. Let Jesus fight on your behalf... and look at your day with Eternity in mind. 

If you have Jesus, you have forever. 

Not an Accident

I keep replaying the accident in my mind. I try to just focus on the things ahead... But on bed rest... I feel so beat. 

It was Wednesday after work around 4:45 when I was stuck in stop and go traffic. At around 4:55, I had just hung up the phone with Austin and grabbed both hands onto my steering wheel, watching as all the cars in front of me came to a stop. 

That's when I heard it. The crunching of metal. The shattering of my back windshield, the guts of the inside of my car all now lay in the front seat and the smoke started to rise. While it was so fast... It was slow motion. 

My air bags never deployed. My body was flung forward... And I was at the mercy of God until the reaction would stop. 

A large Silverado truck had been going round 60 and slammed into the back of my car... Hard enough to total my car, and cause me to hit another car and another. It was a four car accident... And I was the one to get the direct hit.

I got out of my car - my mind racing- when a young man named Samuel, ran from the sidewalk to my car. He asked my name and instantly asked if he could pray for me. He prayed that my back would be healed. The pain started to pulse as the adrenaline was wearing off . I was honored that he prayed for me. 

A woman named Rebecca then came and asked if I was hurting. She told me to sit down and then she laid out a blanket and asked if I could lay down while we wait for the ambulance. She knew once the adrenaline wore off, anything that hurt, would be hurting much worse.

As much as I appreciated the help, my heart went out to the man who had hit all three of us. He looked so sad and broken. When he got out of his truck, everyone stared and judged him. Even though his appearance didn't help him, with no shirt, a beer belly, and long stringy hair... I hated that even if he wasn't intoxicated or on drugs, his appearance caused so many people to scowl in his direction.

I said a prayer under my breath for him and the other drivers while the fire truck pulled up.  

Austin, Nea, Chase and my cousin arrived to the scene, just as I was being loaded into the ambulance. I hated to complain about my back... But I am extremely glad... I went to the hospital. 

Once there, Tiffany Blansit was the first to arrive by my bedside. All I can say was I felt so much better with her there. Kansas City Mom to the RESCUE!  While the hospital was extremely busy, she kept having to get the attention of the nurses and dr's because it took over two hours for me to even be LOOKED AT. 

My pain had increased and my body was going through waves of shock. One minute I would be cold, shivering, and needing blankets. The next, I would be hot, sweaty, heart racing, pain would shoot from my lower back to my head, to my toes, I would get numb and sick, and my breathing would become short and intense. I would cry out and tiff would tell me to look at her and take deep breaths. She then told me when the dr's come in, not to minimize my pain. If something hurt, I needed to tell them. 

I had about 3 episodes until my nurse finally came in with a shot of morphine. It calmed me down, made my episodes almost stop, and helped my body to process my pain. 

We were in the hospital from 5:30pm-7:30am the next day. Austin and Jamie stuck by my side the ENTIRE night while I had cat scans, X-rays and An MRI.  

As sucky as it was to be in the hospital, I am so thankful I went. I don't know if I would have been able to handle the shock to my body if I would have just gone straight home. 

I have a bulging disc in my lower back, which was causing the numbness in my legs and arms. While the swelling has gone down quite a bit, my back is still extremely sore and tender to the touch. 

This weekend was a big weekend for me. I was going to go to DFL @ James River in Springfield! I was so excited for the spiritual revival and the chance to have. Mini vacation and see my family!!!

But God knew... And he was with me through the accident... And through the people he spoke to me... And if I wouldn't have had both hands on the wheel, I would have hit my head and been seriously hurt. God knew the exact moment the accident would happen. 

Although, I wanted badly to go to Springfield, Jamie and I were able to have one of the best, encouraging JESUS talks I have had in a long time. We had been shown some of the same things... And God is continually teaching us. 

As much as an accident effects everyone close, near and dear... It brought all of us together. Everything happens for a reason, and with God, there are no accidents. 

I praise you JESUS and I am thankful. 

Wrecked: A raw preview from VICTORIOUS

Get messy. I'm saying get very messy. Don't be afraid of a little dirt. Don't be afraid to really dive in. Don't be afraid to get "uncomfortable."

 I know a woman who got very messy. In fact, I know a woman who got very, very messy. She jumped in, deep, with both feet.

 Her friend came to her with pleading prayers for her daughter. She told this woman that her daughter was doing meth while she was pregnant. 

Stop for a minute. Hold up. Yeah, this is where most of us would say, "I'm so sorry to hear that. I'll be praying for you and your daughter." The mother would continue to grieve for her daughter, and her daughter would continue spiraling until God would choose someone to intervene. But what happens if the person He has chosen, is you?

 Continue, and we find that the story is being written. She didn’t just say, “I’ll pray…” Instead, she got involved. She asked if she could get the daughters number, invite her to lunch, and she formed a relationship. After that lunch date, she knew she was meant to do so much more. When she heard that the young woman was at a drug dealers home, she instantly sprang into action. 

After she got there, the daughter came out of the house still high from the night before and she placed her head on the side of the car window. She told the girl to get in the car that she was going to take her to her house. The girl screamed and threw a fit, but she got in the car anyway. Together, they drove away while she comforted the daughter who was inevitably wrecked. 

Fast forward 3 years, a toddler with a smile lights up the room. I now have the pleasure of knowing a courageous 3 year old. I was that little girl. I was that daughter. I was the one with the wrecked life and because someone wasn’t afraid to get messy… wasn’t afraid to get in my ‘personal space’…I can now say that I have been clean from drugs and there is a handsome little man in my life. 

Why are we so afraid to get yelled at? Why are we so afraid to get rejected? Why are we so afraid to get involved when we know someone is struggling? Do we believe the lie that we can’t do anything about it, or do we answer the call that God placed on our hearts? We weren’t created to be brooms. We weren’t created to just sweep things under the rug. Nope. We were created to be light. We aren’t afraid of darkness; we overcome it.

A Tale of Sister Wives (from memory)

I remember when I could barely tie my shoelaces. I remember when I used to eat off of a God-made Tv tray. I remember when I whispered to myself in hopes another would hear. I remember when I looked down and saw a pregnant belly. I remember being Pax's birth mom. 

Then, I remember a friendship. I remember sitting in a deli across from a smiling red head. I remember the laughter. I remember lap tops, phones, and journals open. I remember hearts being poured out and shared. I remember Pax's mom. 

I remember a facebook message. I remember the excitement when I met an enthusiastic blonde at Cheddars. I remember trying to eat lettuce and talk at the same time. I remember the tears in her eyes. I remember the concern. I remember the 'rutabega' baby that she had in her tummy. I remember Thatchers Birtmom. 

Now.. We share messages. Texts. Phone calls. Heart aches. Concerns. Laughter. Funny pictures. Mile stones. Tattoos (soon). But Most of all, we share hearts. 

There are no other women I would consider doing life with the way that I do with these two. We are a moden family....and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being able to share in this wonderful world of "motherhood." 

Because more than gaining two wonderful friends, I gained two beautiful family members... two beautiful sisters.

My Heart Cries Out

There's a path I know that I am walking on. A Path that is laid out just for me.
There are times I have stumbled along.. dragged myself along... or flat out sat down impatiently.

One thing, never changes. The direction in which I am going.

I know that there are hills, mountains, and valleys ahead of me. For what it's worth, I am honestly drained. I recognize that it's not about speed. It's about one foot in front of the other until I get there.

I want to reach my destination so bad... but my idea of my destination might not be exactly what God has for me.
My goal is to continue writing and reaching people....

I see myself on a beach somewhere.... living in a beach house with a view... writing my stories of encouragement... while I live a life of luxury.

EH. Is this what Jesus has in mind? I have no idea.

All I know is that my heart cries out to get closer to HIM. Wherever I go, I just want it to be with Him.

It's with this desire that I know My ultimate destination, isn't a place. It's a person.

Chosen.

One Word.

Chosen.

Simple. Yet, it will change your entire world.

What makes it special to me?

I'm not sure if it struck me the night of my car accident when I flipped my convertible three times after falling asleep at the wheel....

I'm not sure if I truly understood it when I threw away my family for the sake of chasing my own interests....

I'm not sure it hit me when I laid half dressed on the floor with my heart  beating so fast inside my chest after overdosing on meth that death stared me in the face...

No..

Chosen....

 It means so much more to me.. then just being picked out of a crowd. It means more to me than just mere coincidence.

It was that night...Three months after trying to get an abortion for the baby I never deserved to carry...

It was the night that I got on my knees...and prayed to a God I didn't even know existed.
He came down to me.. CALLED ME BY NAME...and in that moment I was redeemed. All of the bad... all of it... changed. My whole world.. wrecked.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

oI have called you by name, you are mine."  Isaiah 43:1

There are days I wonder why God sent Jesus to me... There are  days that I struggle knowing that He came into my room and opened my blind eyes. Why Me?

These past few months I have struggled... greatly.. with my calling. How am I going to live up to what He placed inside of me? Am I confident enough? Am I courageous enough? Or am I still that girl that HE found hiding away from the world... afraid to confront those that would put me down...

Aw, but now... a fire rages...

 I know I was saved from the fire below me and he put a fire inside of me.

I was chosen. Chosen to tell the world about Christ and the redemption that can be found. I was chosen. Chosen to give a message of hope... chosen to give a message of Change. Will I any longer hide and listen to the lies of the enemy? The lies that say... I am only telling people to glorify myself? After all, The enemy knows my greatest fear is being selfish again...

HAH. I laugh in his face. God CHOSE ME. HE CHOSE ALL OF US. Now I know, Nothing's going to hold me back. Here I go. Moving forward, my vulnerability, my emotions, my openness... is not hidden... because that's what reaches people. It touches hearts. It changes lives. I am unashamed of my story... because it is HIS STORY.

When I stand before others and declare a name greater than my own, I will not waiver. I will be confident. I will be bold. For on the Blood of Christ and My testimony, I will stand praising my Father and giving all the glory to the ONE who called me according to HIS PURPOSE.

Are you ready to be bold... because YOU ARE CHOSEN.


SORRY, POSTING THIS ENTIRE VERSE!!!! ITS TOO GOOD NOT TO!

The Lord’s Chosen Servant

42 eBehold fmy servant, whom I uphold,

my chosen, gin whom my soul delights;

hI have put my Spirit upon him;

 

2  He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,

or make it heard in the street;

3  ja bruised reed he will not break,

and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;

khe will faithfully bring forth justice.

4  He will not grow faint or be discouraged1

till he has established justice in the earth;

and lthe coastlands wait for his law.

5  Thus says God, the Lord,

who created the heavens mand stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and what comes from it,

nwho gives breath to the people on it

and spirit to those who walk in it:

6  “I am the Lord; oI have called you2 in righteousness;

I will take you by the hand and keep you;

I will give you pas a covenant for the people,

qa light for the nations,

7  rto open the eyes that are blind,

to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,

sfrom the prison those who sit in darkness.

8  I am the Lord; that is my name;

tmy glory I give to no other,

nor my praise to carved idols.

9  Behold, the former things have come to pass,

uand new things I now declare;

before they spring forth

I tell you of them.”